I had no desire to write another blog post

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I can’t believe I just wrote that. Or, well, not really. I guess I am just saying that to make it look shocking but in reality, that’s kind of been my energy for everything these past few months. Not just with this blog but mostly anything I have had my hands or attention on. Even now as I attempt to write this my mind is just, elsewhere. Not on anything important either but just, not here. I’m staring at this screen for 5 minutes before I decide to then eat, pick up my phone, look outside, or finish washing clothes that are needed for tomorrow. To repeat myself again: I just, didn’t want to write another blog post again.

That sentence right there has been stuck in my head and feelings for the past few weeks. I came up with new theories or ideas. I still have great posts locked in my notes or twirling around in my head that I will release soon. I’m not done with this blog despite the tone already seeming as if I was. Its just, that sentence of not wanting to write again was something I wanted to stay attached to. Why did I feel this way? Why wasn’t I so eager to write out these new concepts I have been working on since my last post in March? Why did I avoid this blog like the plague each time and decide to do something else? I stuck with this feeling. I wanted to explore it more. And as I did, the results were simply, the same.

I would think of a few things in a my head, create a few key points, remember it or write it down in the notes section of my iPhone, let it linger in my brain for the rest of the day as I repeat it over and over again, and then, once I find time to actually write something out I, avoid it. Its like when a radio plays a hit song over and over again to the point that song can longer be good again until years down the road when nobody is thinking about it. Every time I would try and use a different angle the worse it made me push away from this blog. The more distance I wanted to take. The more I just, didn’t want to be apart of it. I soon started to realize that, in a nutshell, I was simply tired of politicizing my feelings. In laymans terms: I was tired of coming up with a new script for not only myself to help numb the randomness of my life but, just all life in general.


With that said, as I sit here, with a fresh new haircut and a empty stomach, as I wait for the NBA Finals to start, while dressed like a starving artist as my dog barks loudly at things he sees outside as my family downstairs conversates about a past they can no longer change, while that goes on, the only thing I have been able to come up with in terms of a theory, idea, or concept that I truly believe will stick without sounding repetitive and outdated is, well, in the grand scheme of not only my life but life as a whole, on a universal level, the only thing I am truly certain about that I’m sure no one else can deny deep down is: I, don’t know anything

That concept slash not really a concept of, “I don’t know anything” has just really stuck with me for the last month and a half. The last paragraph above will be dated by the time you read this and, in a way, I am glad it is. As I type this out in real time I wanted to explore this “Idk” idea and not have anything to write about. As you read this, I had no concept, idea, or goal to accomplish with this post moving forward. These were my feelings in the moment without any planning. I have done this before with posts like this, this, and of course this  but, I feel like this is something more empty than those past posts I created.

This is a blank canvas as I am now just doing my best to stretch the words out in this paragraph to make it longer as you read. Seat filler words so it doesn’t seem as short. I shouldn’t write that but, why not? Because I am suppose to have a plan? I am suppose to follow the rules? I should know better? My inspiration for this stems from that very problem I see within the world. Currently in 2018, we all, when engaged in a discussion about anything that is topic or opinion heavy, come off as know it alls and egotistical as if we invented the universe. As if we are bigger than the world around us.

We went from kids with parental supervision, to now young inmates that run the asylum. Its the Jamie Lee Curtis movie “House Arrest” in real time with us as the role of the kids. Difference is, the parents aren’t locked in the basement. They were never there to begin with. Humans are oprans who grow up to become motherless and fatherless forever. Meaning, we control are own narrative. If so and there is no higher power, what exactly have we done with this power. Is it good as we think or, can it actually be bad?

(Don’t worry. Video will stop at the 33:50 mark)

“The “Metoo Movement”, “The Black Panther” movie review controversy, Donald Trump’s antics, Comedian Monique’s troubles with Netflix, Race issues, Transgender issues, Men vs women, and so on and so on. I would just sit back and watch these things take place not only online but in real life and felt forced to have to care and comment about it. It was like being two people at once. One having the conversation while my other self stayed in the background wondering why anybody gives a damn about this. My sense of freedom I had before was gone as I now had to get back to my “job” of writing, and, get back to being a “Normal” person in society to speak on current issues. That is, until I tried to have my Cypher moment and force myself back into a state of ignorance again. 

No thought. I wanted to go back to these last two months of less thinking. I wanted things to be genuine again. I didn’t want to have to explain concepts or live by old methods of thinking. I didn’t want to be so focused away from this moment that I end up missing to smell the flowers. Of course, its not like this blog is my source of income which means I have to invest so much time into its importance.

But, when I got back into blogging mode and noticed how it interrupted my flow of things of just in life in general, I seen it did have a effect. A effect I wanted to escape from. The thing is though, while I wanted to avoid current issues and get back to a state of no mind to quote Alan Watts, I didn’t see that all I was doing was stepping away from one trap and entering into a whole new (But still the same) trap than the previous one I had left before. My journey of improvement just simply lead me down a path of failure in my several attempts. Several attempts that had in fact help me reach a realization I wished I had never discovered.”

“Integrity, of a ceiling fan” 

As the Alan Watts video above points out along with my quote as well, we don’t know that what we are doing is truly right, or, is truly wrong. We could have this whole system operating completely backwards and yet have no clue because there isn’t a map on how to control it.  The “map” we are using now only causes us to be in constant states of patterns over and over again. All I see is fighting on topics from man vs women, political, sexuality, government, race, gender, etc. Every discussion online or in public people are ready with a question and answer to pounce and see who has the best opinion or argument to go on

Its like agenda robots going at each other constantly trying to mentally disarm one another at every turn to gain some kind of intelligent or moral victory. Hell, even on lesser topics beyond the political one, just in general on the conversations we have on family, life, character, culture, people, etc, everybody claims to know something and have this game all figured out at every turn. We fight with each other as if every single one of us is carrying around the “Book of answers” ready to chop down anybody that dares to be ignorant and not in the know

From a universal perspective, we have guests over our house and they are asking us questions while there. Things like “Where is the bathroom?” or “How do you turn your grill on?” or, “How many rooms do you have?”. Once we answer this and point out where, what, and how these items work, we start patting ourselves on the back and give ourselves a ego boost like we are the smartest person in the house. But, its like yeah, no shit. Its YOUR house. Of course you’re suppose to know this. Its YOUR house. What do we know outside of it like I spoke on it here a long time ago.

Or if you’re in a debate with someone about the law and either one of you starts feeling arrogant and cocky as your able to speak out on “facts” and paragraphs from a couple of books and think your brain is above everyone else’s. We humans from the past invented that. Its another story we are living that is not our own. It isn’t special and gives us a false sense of knowing something and just creates more problems for us in the long run

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I had a interesting encounter a few weeks ago at work with one of the loading dock drivers in the morning. I could tell her energy was off the moment she walked through the door and I wondered why. Come to find out, her best friend of 10+ years was found dead in her bathtub during the week by her daughter as she was visiting home from collage. We ended up having a conversation about her deceased friend and I found out she lived a unique life working for the government and was rewarded graciously for her efforts which made her friend question why she would end her life when she was doing so well. It left not only her but me listening to the story confused as well.

The conversation, despite being only 20 minutes, seemed to last for hours but in a good way. During the talk we just simply…..talked. we wasn’t concerned about being on the clock while working, I was thinking about something else while she was talking like I usually do with others, I wasn’t judging her based on appearances, gender, age, race, etc and I’m sure she wasn’t either due to the nature of the conversation. We were just, there. In the moment, live living through this confusion together and sharing stories of pain from the past that we still carrying with us in the present, and in the future. Nothing was to gain but a moment in time to kill the silenceYou see, I look at that conversation in the same way I look at life’s greatest questions that may be never be answered. And, despite how crazy it may sound, I look at her deceased friend, momentarily, as even a God like figure in the process.

We both were lost on the story but neither of us were trying to gain a direction. As I said before, we were just there, together. Traveling on this same road but with no fear of the unsure. More so, just traveling just to travel. In the same way questions like: “Why are we here” or “Is there a purpose for humans” and “Does life have meaning”, instead of being eager for answer we more so just became locked into the conversation for the sake of conversation. I called her friend God like because with questions like: “Is God real?” or “Does God care about us?” or, “Will we burn for our sins?” we will never be able to answer them. But, we are  able to speak on them and embrace the fact we may forever deal in the unknown of those deep questions and be okay with that fact. 

This is the main point I am illustrating. I didn’t have a answer and neither did she. Her friend despite (Appearing) to live a good life on the outside still committed suicide and left behind her riches and family. We had no real answer that can solve it and put a stamp on this mystery. We in this conversation were not man and woman, democrat and republican, white woman and black man, older and younger, collage and no collage. We weren’t anything but just walking through this life. To quote Alan watts: “Man suffers only because he takes seriously what  the gods made for fun”.

People of all groups and races scream revolution daily when dealing with power structures but, what if the real revolution is to do nothing at all like Morgan Freeman spoke about here with Black History Month and race. Why are we afraid to just, let go and now deal with “What now?”. Even now, I have to question myself I after this post I did awhile back on this same issue. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t but, damn. Not even try? Why are we so afraid of dealing with “Now what?” or more so, there being no “Now what” and instead for us to JUST BE.  How long must the power wants to stay in power, and the powerless want a prize at the end of the cereal? 

“In Stalingrad, to put the question of God’s existence means to deny it. I must tell you this, Father, and I feel doubly sorry for it. You have raised me, because I had no mother, and always kept God before my eyes and soul. And I regret my words doubly, because they will be my last, and I won’t be able to speak any other words afterwards which might reconcile you and make up for these.

You are a pastor, Father, and in one’s last letter one says only what is true or what one believes might be true. I have searched for God in every crater, in every destroyed house, on every comer, in every friend, in my fox hole, and in the sky. God did not show Himself, even though my heart cried for Him.

The houses were destroyed, the men as brave or as cowardly as myself, on earth there was hunger and murder, from the sky came bombs and fire, only God was not there. No, Father, there is no God. Again I write it and know that this is terrible and that I cannot make up for it ever. And if there should be a God, He is only with you in the hymnals and the prayers, in the pious sayings of the priests and pastors, in the ringing of the bells and the fragrance of incense, but not in Stalingrad.”

“Last Letters in Stalingrad”

Look, in closing, this blog is based on ideas, theories, concepts,philosophies, and just overall future thinking that may come to light or may be completely crazy and forgotten about in the years to come. This post specifically fits in perfect with this. Meaning in terms of the “I don’t know” theme I have here today, I understand we need doctors, lawyers, veterinarians, judges, mechanics, and so on to know what they are doing. I would hate to be flying on a plane and all of a sudden the pilot annonces: “Hey umm, I don’t know what I am doing. I am just going to wing it and be free with my life. Buckle up tight folks. Your life is in the 50/50 ballpark right now”. I get that. I know on a logical standpoint people need to know things in order for the ones that don’t to help them get through not only their day but life in general. 

Still, on some level, I remain firm in my stance on just a humanity level with us as people who I feel like are becoming more robotic and stoic in our approach to life. We aren’t machines despite what I said here. in my post from years back. This isn’t “Minority report” where we are able to predict each and every single move we do before it happens. Life doesn’t work that way. We aren’t drones control by remotes who are programmed to move characters in a video game. As crazy as this sounds, on a philosophical level we need more ignorance instead of intelligence. More unknown than knowing. More of just being instead of trying to figure out and solve. 

This idea is nothing new. I am not reinventing the wheel here. Its obviously a idea from Socrates. If anything, this post is more so for my sake and sanity. Its why I chose to use a quote from a book called “Last Letters from Stalingrad” which is about soldiers who took part in the WWII battle for Stalingrad. They were asked to write their experiences in the form of a letter about the war and send them out which would then become a book. This quote above I feel like represents my views on not just social media for others, but, social media for myself and my use of it. It can trick you into marginalizing life in the shape of our phones or computers. That soldier seen nothing but death and chaos and became conditioned to believe that’s all life was about. His reality no longer had any room to transcend to think of something as high as God. His imagination had been dipped in bleach. How long before our unique colors are gone as well?

“Everybody does this”, “Everybody eats this”, “Everybody believes in this”, “Everybody hates this”. That word “Everybody” kills the individual and makes everybody become part of a hive and not allowed to think for themselves. We need to be more concerned with ourselves and stop being influence by others and what we are “Suppose” to believe in. I am speaking for myself and so should you. This post as I said is more so me speaking to myself but I also encourage you the reader to do so ourselves. The world’s problems are forever. From a political and financial standpoint it makes sense to keep people confused and fighting against each other like a universal game of “Simon says”. They aren’t going anywhere but also, and more importantly, your problems aren’t either. Mine aren’t as well. Like I spoke about here, we are all on this pale blue dot together, but, at the same time, we need space from each other. We need to do our thing and live our life away from what we are programmed to do. Why did this man make it his mission to buy every VHS copy of the movie “Speed”? What was the purpose, reason, or logic to it? Well, why does there need to be a “Why”, “Reason”, or “Purpose”? Why do you care? Or, to use a old and classic saying: “Mind your business”. In closing, here is Donald Trump’s favorite rapper to explain more in detail about this post.

Thank you for time. 

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