“The South Bronx, believed by the city to be the worst fire area in the country. There were 12,300 fires here last year. It is as if there is a war going on. Many parts of the South Bronx looks like a city under siege, with entire blocks wiped out, buildings decimated, debris everywhere -South Bronx reporter

“South Bronx where we live at, people were struggling man. You had, single parents they were on welfare, you know, people wasn’t really working, there wasn’t really no jobs and stuff like that. You couldn’t go in certain areas man. You couldn’t go in that area, you can’t go in that area, you couldn’t go in that area. You had killings you had muggings. You had people getting killed by the police, people going to jail for the rest of their lives” -Grand Wizzard Theodore

“It was that boiling point to just give birth from something to nothing. And out of all that turbulence and upheaval, was the birth of Hip Hop” -Joe Conzo

-Netflix Original Hip Hop Evolution (Season 1)

“I got no friends in this momma
I don’t pretend with this momma
I’on joke with this momma
I pull the knife out my back and cut they throat with it momma
I’m “Game of Thrones” with it momma
I’m “Home Alone” with it momma
I’m t-
I really hate using this tone with you momma
I really hate getting aggressive on this phone with you momma
I really hate wasting your time to check a clone or two momma
It’s just they cloning me momma
Them niggas wannabes momma
Its like – I’m the one they wanna be momma
I just- I- I can’t be out here being vulnerable momma
I mean I kill em every time they do a song with me momma
I sing a hook they sing along with me momma
What more they want from me momma?” 

-Drake (You and the 6)

I think too much…

Way too much to be honest. Thoughts on top of thoughts on top of thoughts. Different ways in which something can happen, has happen, or,  possibly could happen and, just many other scenarios in which I wished I could of been somewhere different around that time. 

I get in conversations with people and I have this sort of, “Detached” feeling so to speak. It feels”plastic” and even “fake” to an certain extent. In my gut, when observing that, it seems as if I am just reading lines off a script to fit perfectly for that moment. Concepts I learned from my favorite books, YouTube videos, different style of quotes , music, and even movies even. Its like a Halloween candy bag of different ideas with me being the Halloween bag itself. 

“I know this music shit ain’t shit
And all these random niggas in my house make you anxious
And I ain’t never told you that our love would be painless
But I was so in love with you I thought we could make it
Damn, I wasn’t in it
Damn, we wasn’t finished
Damn, I got us tickets
Damn, we went to Venice
Prioritize on our lives and made you into a business
That’s why you wasn’t surprised when I had made my decision
Gotta make it, ’cause if not I’m a failure, my wallet Azalea
And my brother still movin’, ain’t no shit I can tell him
Try and keep him out of trouble, but the cops is wildin’
And it’s nice to have a fellah when the boys get violent
The Mexicans tried to jump me at the club
Funny thing was I thought they were stepping to show me love
Grandma’s couch, my biggest fear and fantasy
When I ain’t in her arms all I’m makin’ is enemies
Here I’m screamin’ obscenities at a nigga
Wanted to live bigger than Edenwald Projects
Was eatin’ all concept of anyone walkin’ out
What is you talkin’ ’bout?
Gun Hill Road made them summers feel cold
On the same train that my parents met on
Twenty years later and my thoughts still ghetto
High off of pressure, man, that’s a stiletto
Got your own couch now, but you don’t feel better

Childish Gambino (Centipede) 

People’s, unfiltered moments I believe is the reason for this. Moments in which you catch them off guard and their, not so much real selves come out but, more so, their, animal side comes out if that makes any sense. A combination of ego, animal, and our fear of addressing the fact that in the moment things are really just random and  and our reactions to the random. Background music for Earth that no one wants to dance to.

Avoidance of that randomness I believe is rooted in caveman beginnings. From a survival standpoint, humans at that time and still to this day had to make sure we protected ourselves from the harsh reality that was nature, other tribes of humans seeking the same comfort living, and, of course animals lurking around for the same outcomes as well. For a updated take on it, being not just a kid, but, a black kid who would eventually grow into a black young man living in America, its we call it “Vulnerability” but I seen it as weakness. I wanted nothing to do with it.

Which, is why the walls go up. Walls that, again, from a survival standpoint makes me automatically place people as the enemy due to unfortunately noticing things I wish I never did. I don’t necessarily see people as that but, my guard, by nature, just goes up. Guards that, are walls with tiny windows which only lets them see but oh so much. Walls that, represent information. Walls that, from a Alien POV above display both sides of the same coin. Yes, I have my defense up but from my perspective looking out, they also do too as well. Information connections us yet ironically at the same time separates us from what is, and creates what can be.

“Cause to this day we remain estranged and I hate it though
‘Cause you ain’t even get to witness your grand babies grow
But I’m sorry, Mama, for “Cleaning Out My Closet”, at the time I was angry
Rightfully maybe so, never meant that far to take it though,
’cause now I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not making jokes
That song I no longer play at shows and I cringe every time it’s on the radio
And I think of Nathan being placed in a home
And all the medicine you fed us
And how I just wanted you to taste your own,
But now the medications taken over
And your mental state’s deteriorating slow
And I’m way too old to cry, the shit is painful though
But, Ma, I forgive you, so does Nathan, yo
All you did, all you said, you did your best to raise us both” 

Eminem (Headlights) 

He can be a lover. She can be wife but is a slut. He can be a father but is a baby father. She can be a mother but is a baby mother. He can be a son but is just a child and she can be a daughter but, is just a child again. In caveman and pyramid time the man protected the woman and child. She physically was weaker while he physically was not. Her and the child’s weakness gave balance to his strength which then also gave him purpose has a man to even things out. Positive is only positive when it is in contrast with the negative. How funny then is it when you look at this from a updated version in modern times:

When we both meet (Men and women) we do our best to present ourselves in our best light in order to hide the darkness about ourselves. Both parties come across as all knowing and hip to the game based on roots stemed from weakness being seen as a issue in the past (Kids in contrast to adults) If progression is warranted yet in the relationship and he lacks Game and she lacks a feminine model to display onward, flaws start to perk up more which leads to couples wanting to roleplay, try couples therapy, other partners, or worse, divorce. Of course, those things except divorce can be added spices to put a “Umph” in the relationship but even then on the other side of the coin If everything is great with the food you ordered, you wouldn’t need to see the waiter again until it was time for the check, or, if something was wrong. Which, is why I love wrestling and Hip Hop

See, wrestling for me back then was amazing. I believed in the characters. They were my strength in contrast to my average. On the flip side with Hip Hop when I was younger, these rappers were like superheros to me also when I seen them on the big stage with TV, radio, and movies. I not only believed in them but acted like them. Hip Hop was born out of struggles faced in New York. Kids, specifically black kids and also black adults, needed something to believe in. They had no time to shed tears daily and show fear or weakness. At all. Had it not been for me seeing myself as average or New York not going through its drugs, financial, racism, and societal struggles (Wrongness) There is no wrestling for me, or Hip Hop for the world. I understand that balance of life, I do but, I also realize that, I live in gravity as well and, more and more as I get older: It scares the shit out of me. 

Tryin’ to weather the storm
I thought that black cloud was gone
It’s been beside me all along, not the song
I wanna sit in silence, don’t speak for a minute
Tired of being strong, please let me be weak for a minute
Kinda thought that my disease tried to kill your man first
It was easy to get my hands on 30 milligram Percs, worse
Can’t be depression, couldn’t have it this long
So many secrets I only told through a glass of Patron, my nigga
Speaking of secrets, that’s when I got the Kaylin text
Read it and cried, couldn’t believe what she was saying next
She said “you’re going through a lot
I’m hoping you ain’t in the grave and dead
Cause not too many people know your brain’s a mess”
Who knew that she was keeping track of it all?
I wrote back “lol” but wasn’t laughing at all
I ain’t tell her just the other day that that gun was in my lap
Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note
Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “mom” I just stopped
Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her
Couldn’t explain the “why” to her
Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her
And shortly after that my pastor called
Which at first I kinda thought it was weird
But that convo preserved me, ’bout God’s grace and mercy
He ain’t even say goodbye, he said “let us pray”
And then he went into a prayer, gripped the phone, closed my eyes
Just so happy he appeared nigga shed another tear
Maybe he could sense that something had the god devoured
Just thankful he shed some light upon my darkest hour
All my thoughts are corrupt, this shit is whack
If everybody calls you a duck, will you just quack?
Guess a part of me really gives a fuck, way in the back
Cause when I had that burner ready to bust, I didn’t clap
Joe” -Joe Budden (Only Human) 

Not scared in a sense that I never want to be near it like a bee hive or prison but more so, fear in a sense that, I am getting comfortable with that fact. Comfortable with the fact that, I am now realizing I am not a rapper. Comfortable with realizing that, I am a thug or a gangster like my favorite 90’s rappers. Comfortable with the fact that, I don’t have to put on front or be something I am not. That fear though troubles me because, at the end of the day yes, I am getting more comfortable with myself but besides that point: I still have to live. I am still a man, a black man in America at that. I can jump for the stars all I want but eventually gravity will bring me back down to the ground. My only peace of mind is in the awareness of this fact.

That fact of course being: Authenticity. As I spoke about here and also here as well, my struggles with self have been a ongoing thing. I never referred to it as “Weakness” because as you can see with this post and my many other mind bending posts that I conjure up as well, I try to delve deeper beyond the typical answers given to us. As I get older and am starting to adjust to my surroundings and life a bit more as a whole though, I am starting to see things in a new light that once was kept in the dark. Who I am, at my core, is only seen by my family, friends, my few blog followers, and the few girlfriends that stayed around long enough to deal with me and yet even still then, there was and still is some pull back.

I learned early in life what happened when I opened up too much vowed to never return to that scene of the crime again, that is, until today as you can see with this post I created for you to indulge in, what was once seen as weakness was now see as part of the balance. Balance in not just myself, but balance in all things. Authenticity in all things. My authenticity is no different or better than your authenticity. When I seen that my wrestling, rap, and even my family heroes had a human side to them it shook my core but at the same time freed me from a prison I wasn’t aware of. Not completely free of course but, still.  You get my point

In closing, I started a new job a few days ago and, well, I can no longer use my headphones which let me listen to, music, podcasts, Spotify, whatever. Only this new one though. My other job is mostly freestyle and not really a job. Point is though, I have a lot of time to just be in my thoughts. Not in a bad way either, but, more so as I dicussed with my “LeatherFace/Snake 97” post, I used music, other other artists, and my laptop to block out my thoughts and feelings from having to  deal with myself as a person. As a result, I realized in a few days I am not perfect (Shocker) None of us are.

And no, this isn’t leading towards a “We are all imperfect which makes us perfect” bs . When I say that, as I spoke about briefly awhile back in my “Untitled 149” post: I try my best to be perfect so I can hide my flaws. It used to work a lot, but, as I get older, I realize I can’t keep running from…me. The Eminem line  “It’s all caught up to me now, karma’s in the waters, Every line I ever said has got me in a corner, You might think it doesn’t creep upon ya, but it all does” from his 2009 song “Elevator makes more sense in 2017 than it did in 2009. Its why I wanted to end this post with him today from his 2002 movie 8 Mile”. Flaws being used as a strength, and vice verse seen as a weakness at the same time with the person he was battling. My favorite part always is the “You don’t know what the fuck I been through” part. Every time it gets to that part its hard for anyone not to relate. But, to really end this my main point about all this is:……….

We are all imperfect which makes us perfect anyway. Yay 

Until next people. Take care and thank you for your patience 



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