Personal

THE BALLOONS II

(Don’t worry. Video will stop at the 7:28 mark)

 

“Running and running I continue on I guess. Running to find a meaning that was never there to begin with. I am just suppose to walk this earth and exit without anything to leave behind. All of my worries, stress, pain, victories, accomplishments, etc only matter if someone was there to see them and give approval that they were/are real. If no one was ever around will it be worse due to me not knowing what is right or wrong? Or, better because I wouldn’t know what is right or wrong? I think at times as much as I complain about the bullshit in my life, as least there is something there to feel. Something that brings colors to this never ending darkness. No matter how much emptiness is inside of the balloon, at least there is something to look at.”

-Modern Day Pricus (The Balloons)  

The scene with his friend at the campfire starts with his friends talking about owning a gun. Then Bino goes on to talk about when he was 5 and kissed a boy. The point of this whole conversation is that, even though they went through completely different situations, we’re all just trying to figure it out. We are all trying to figure out why things happened, figure out what they mean, how they shaped us today. Sometimes it means nothing, sometimes it means everything. This symbolizes that even in our differences, we are all just trying to figure out what life means.

-YouTube comment (Chance the Wrapper)

Your going to die someday. There is a good chance that when you do, the people that followed you on Twitter, SnapChat, Periscope, and Facebook will not be at your funeral. They will retweet it once they hear the news but, after a few days, “Fuck it”. Money is great but its not going to save the day. Having a lot of dick or/and pussy won’t cause the “Escape feeling” to last forever. Weed is great but the feeling lasts but only so long. Alcohol gives liquid courage, fills a toilet bowl, and may cause another dead body to become roadkill on the highway but even in prison as you reflect about your actions, it still won’t save you. Kids die some days. Animals die too. Men obviously and women as well. 

Your not suppose to laugh at a mentally challenged person but, some will. Women are to be respected when looking for a boyfriend or husband. Any other time treating them as “Sluts” and “Thots” is more fun and makes us feel good. Donald Trump says a lot of crazy shit and people respond. Nothing else, nothing more. White people run shit and black people feel this is a problem. They invented the game and want to remain on top for survival reasons. Shocking. Some will call you “Nigger”, others will smile in your face and call you “N-word”, others will wait until they are alone with close friends and call you a “Monkey” or “Coon”, and the rest are just trying to live. Rape is wrong because we say it is but, it happens. Why? I wish I could tell you but I can’t. Some women get raped and some men get raped. We can say its a “Power thing” and try are best to use a lot of definitions to cover it up but, the action has already been done. After you bust a nut on a bitch’s face you can’t pour in back in the dick. 

Gay bashing is cool for some. Gay killings is a sport and cheered for even more. Some say they should be left alone and do as they please in life but, nah. Nah because, nobody is safe. You want peace and others want war. You want to be comfortable and others want to watch you suffer? Why? Again, your looking for a answer to a question which does not exist unless WE say it exists. The girl that cheated on you is going to the same place as you are when you die and you were the faithful one. Yeah, I could of wrote that to include both sexes but, sometimes I enjoy objectifying women and it feels good. Its wrong yet is feels right. I enjoyed when I use to see someone get embarrassed at school in front of everyone yet hated it when it happened to me. Looking back I can see it from different angles and make myself seem more extinguished but, the moment already has passed and I felt what I felt. 

When I seen black teens being killed left and right by cops I get on Twitter and say my thoughts or, having conversations about it with people I speak with though, after a while I rather watch Netflix or try and get some pussy. Had that have happened to one of my family members (That I am cool with) or my son, I would be more engaged with the cops and racism issue and hope others would drop what they were doing to give me as much support and attention as I needed. I stole from my friend and cousin once. I took a toy from the friend and 20 dollars from my cousin. I no longer have the toy and the 20 dollars wasn’t used wisely to anything important. That was probably his favorite toy and my cousin needed that money I am sure yet, I am my most important person at the end of the day. Hm. Funny I wrote that sentence. Am I speaking now or am I  just describing the feeling and thought I had at that time? I’m “Older” so I am more “Mature” and “Evolved” now right? That is what they tell me. “9/11” wasn’t a inside either they said. 

I try my best to be perfect. Not because I have something to prove but, more so, as a shield to hide my flaws better. Its like a balance of two energies. I use the good vibes of the world, and the bad vibes of the world as one. Like a controller and a game console. Peanut butter and jelly. Steering wheel & car. And immediate laughter when you see older people doing awkward versions of popular dances created by the kids. I am not trapped to just one word yet, I treat words as hearing cars pass by in the street. I don’t control it but, I hear it. Therefore it is apart of my journey. This post may seem as if I am angry and depressed when you read it and I’m glad. Your reactions will help guide you on your own path reader. Me and your difference is none. What is cheating when you are drowning in a ocean? Do you let a boat pass by so you can prove your a Real man? Strong independent woman? A God? Why is her flaws bad and yours better ALL THE TIME? Same for her as well. Why is our lazer like logical focus deemed “Too masculine” yet, when  TRUE danger is nearby the NATURAL instinct in you to live, survive, and protect the children you love kicks in all of that “Man vs woman” bullshit goes out the window?  For you and himself, this applies both ways. 

I now have appreciation for bad memories. Meaning, in kind of  a way, they bring me back to a embarrassing place in my life without question but that painfully bare naked energy I felt then could now be used as motivation for the place I find myself in today. Its both my life, my truth, my vision, and my, Religion of the world. Its almost like having a mini energy drink called “Back to the Future”. Funny. That title now makes a lot more sense now as I read it.  I live with these memories in a time in which I now have come to realize this life we live is but a mere computer meant to do one thing and one thing only: Upgrade and ask no questions. My flaws are your flaws. Its like a movie. Your movie may be a Horror film while mine is a Drama an yet, that doesn’t negate the fact that it is still but just a movie. Its apart of my journey. Had Eve and Adam not ate from the Tree of knowledge there would of been no Jesus. Had there been no systematic racism we as the world would of never see men like MLK, Malcolm X, Richard Pyor, etc. Nor movements like the Hip Hop culture which has created jobs, artists, and help add music that will live on forever in time. 

There was this girl in high school I used to really like and vibe with heavy. We were real cool and hit it off well. She was one of the first girls I ever dominated now that I think about it. Mentally of course. It felt weirdly good to have control over her. I never experience that before at the time with a chick. But yeah everything clicked right expect for one thing: She wasn’t ugly. Any time she would be near me in class I would act like I didn’t know her. On the bus I would wait until everybody left before I talked to her. I would tell her I didn’t see her but, in reality I did. I just didn’t want others to see me with her. She would of been great to have around if she wasn’t unattractive. I remember when a mutual friend of mine called and asked if I ever would make her my girl. I said “Eh, idk not right now”. Little did I know the girl was listening on the other end. After that day, she stopped talking with me and moved on. I still have a Jim Jones CD she burned for me in my CD case. I remember her standing right next to me and was afraid to interrupt my conversation as she held the bootleg CD in her hand. It was inside a lime green case. I could of talked to her and took it but, I didn’t. I was around my boys and didn’t want them seeing me talk to a, you know, ugly chick. After I rejected her, she became more aggressive with a “Fuck it” attitude towards guys and life in general. I don’t think I am the soul reason she turned out that way but, I know I had a small piece in her changing. Which then begs the question: Is what I did wrong if in the end it made her a tougher person? Or, am I just using excuses to hide the fact that then, and still now, I care about what people think more than what I feel. Which, as I talked about here is crazy due to the fact that the world acts as a computer, or, more so a fiend that looks for the latest drug: They just go to whoever, and wherever has the most popular product. How then can I ever care what the world thinks when all they, and me too as well, just  follow the upgrade? 

The internet wasn’t predicted in the Bible. Just as your life and my life weren’t either. I can’t tell if this latest post will have any benefit on your life. I can’t bullshit and tell you this post is meant to help all. Yeah, in a way it is but, at the same time, this post was really about me and my need to let some venting be executed. I don’t have the answers. I have mo idea what “The answers” even are in a world in which everybody is a original copy. I am here and I am just living. Its all I really can offer. Its all anybody can offer. Sometimes I ignore calls as I stare at my phone until the call passes so they don’t know I hit the ignore button. I once stole money from my cousin. I have stolen from work and, one of the items was a sliver necklace a man had custom made for his wife. It was lost in the trash but found by me. I turn the channel any time they show a commercial about starving kids and abused animals. I care about this blog but, not as much as I should. I get embarrassed to be around my brother in public sometimes. Love him of course but, still. There it is. I once wished my father would die a slow death after her kicked me while I was laying on the floor in his room. I never forgot certain shit my mother did and probably never will forget. Forgive to an extent yeah no doubt its my mother but, I can never forget which made me view her different. And so on, and so on. What does any of this mean? I don’t know. It happened though. My stories are different but at the same time not different from yours. We all have pain and memories. If anything, the best meaning I can ascribe this is comes from this scene in the movie “Watchmen”. To quote: “Everyday, the future looks a little bit darker. But the past, even the grimy parts of it keep getting brighter”. Some of our worse, sad, and painful times in that moment of experiencing them are hard to deal with. Yet, in the future when looking back on them, at least there is something to see. Its like a politically correct version of a Spank Bank. 

To wrap this up, I want to end it with (Yes, ANOTHER) Childish Gambino video. Below is from the 2013 mini movie called “Clapping from the wrong reasons”. I picked this scene for two reasons. One, it flows well with the theme as the quote above in the beginning of this post explains perfectly from a comment I found on YouTube. And two, the woman in the white T-shirt that Childish Gambino passes on his way to his room for me represents something…..I don’t know, deeper.  Something that Gambino spoke about here at the Breakfast Club Interview from the 7:19-7:40 mark and what David Deida speaks about when it comes to the chaotic “Feminine energy” and the structured “Masculine energy” from his book “The Way of the Superior Man”. Whatever THIS moment is to me can be seen as the “Feminine energy” as the rest of the world that stands still and firm represents the “Masculine”. Movement, as Alan Watts speaks on here is Karma which can be seen also as the Feminine energy. The street can be the Masculine while the car itself represents the Feminine. Its THIS moment that I spoke about trying to trap from my “Leatherface/Snake 97” post. Its what I have been speaking on ever since I found Zen. The woman below, and the woman he speaks about in the first video above for me represent this “Spirit”, “God”, or “One consciousnesses” that everybody since the beginning of wonderment has been trying to figure out while living on this pale blue dot. But as I said here, once you place a label on it changes to something else. The moment is gone and no longer is a experience as it becomes part of the archives of life.  This is what I feel like the girl below, and the girl above in both videos  represents when it comes to this world. If anything, they are the mascots of The Design. As far as the rest of the video goes below, well, it really doesn’t add up to anything I am speaking on here. It adds nothing to this post nor has any meaning to it. Despite that though, its here and at least something to look at. Until next time world. Thank you for your time. 

 

 

 

 

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