Personal

LEATHERFACE / SNAKE 97

(Don’t worry. Video will end at the 15:51 mark)

“If I was frozen inside of a moment
If I could capture time inside a capsule
An hourglass full of sand in the palm of my hand, it passes through it
If I can grasp it, and just control what happens to it
Then I can trap it, so no more time elapses through it
If raps could do it, maybe I could tap into it
Then I could try to channel it through Cadillacs and Buicks
To transmit through ’em, to make you put your ass into it
And that’s when you hit the roof because you can’t sit through it
Your passions too much for you to not to be dancing to it
And as you do it, your movements become fast and fluent
You’re mashin’ to it, moshing until you’re black and blue
And shit you’re acting foolish, this music it has influenced you to be rowdy but in an orderly fashion
True it’s chaotic, but it’s got your body moving as a unit
Uniting together tonight, so make it last and you better just Lose yourself”

-Eminem (Lose Yourself “Demo version”)

 

You know, I think I’m starting to realize that I am just a, “Pretend Fan” of some things I like when I’m by myself. Meaning, its no secret to people I know that I am a La Lakers fan. Ever since middle school when someone asked me who my favorite NBA team was and I randomly picked the LA Lakers, I have always stuck with them simply because that was MY team. In conversation about sports that was sort of “My cue” to speak. Almost like the team was my piece on the Monopoly board and the dice represented my turn to speak in the current debate. Same with my favorite artist, wrestlers, apps, etc. Granted, I do enjoy the music from the rappers Eminem, Childish Gambino, Kid Cudi, and Joe Budden but, when I am by myself with their music, interviews, DVDs, or whatever, the enthusiasm is…less. When I am rewatching a old 90’s-Mid 2000s PPV from WWE, I still enjoy the show and get a couple of laughs and “Oh shit I forgot about that” moments but, still. Its not really a upbeat interest when alone viewing the events from the past. Apps I recently downloaded like Snapchat and Periscope are cool and I see their purpose as far as the future goes but beyond that, eh. Look, to cut around the bullshit to the point of what I am saying is: I only care MORE about these things when other people are around to, enjoy them with.

This right here is my favorite crowd reaction from a WWE event. It was everything man. The reaction when The Rock won after being fucked over out of the title many times prior to that moment finally came to a end. It added to the crowd’s reaction as they followed him through the journey of dealing with the McMahon family. Scripted of course but, for me when I see the crowd explode in pure joy and excitement I see it as them living through The Rock in a way. Being beat down told you are not good enough. Being passed over for a position you know you deserved. Or just finally being able to release some pent up rage you had to hold in from a wife, boyfriend, kids, boss, family, bill collector, etc. I enjoy seeing the emotions in the crowds. I enjoy going online and seeing live reactions whenever a new album drops from the top artist at that current moment and people use SnapChat, Periscope, Facebook, whatever to capture themselves reacting to a album, buying a CD, downloading it, etc. Even with movies like the Superhero trend of our time. Yeah, going on the second day or third day is cool and alright and all but man. The first day of a release is really where is truly shines. Seeing all races, genders, and ages packed in to enjoy the first time experience of watching something in real time (Which is not real time in that moment) is where the fun is more so than sometimes the actual movie itself. 

Being in that classroom while in middle school when 9/11 happened was, weird. Finding out Michael Jackson had died and opening the door to tell my mother, the first person I saw the news was even more strange and odd. Hearing about the Sandy Hook shootings with a close female friend and several others on a online forum site was just as bizarre if not more bugged out than words can describe. These moments in life along with many others I remember the shared information with others and the feeling it gave more so than hearing about the main subject we where responding to. Seeing how people reacted from all cultures, professions, religious, non-religious, etc is what counts. Some where sad. Others where confused. Most were of course shocked. The rest where just lost trying to figure out how many more lines have to be drawn in the sand. Where does the limit stop? Is there even a limit to begin with or, are we just afraid to admit positively, no one gives a fuck. Basically, seeing all different kinds of people together for these several moments in time as I look back is intriguing. For me, the movie “Crash” finally makes sense. When dealing with death and the fact that BOOM. The lights can be out and its over, all boarders between ideologies about what gender you are and, what backgrounds came from or whatever all go out of the window. Only thing that matters is for a couple minutes we see we are all connected. In a way, the people from 9/11, Columbine shooting, Sandy Hook, Boston Marathon, Slavery, Holocaust,Civil rights movements, First wave Feminism, Gay right marches, the story of Jesus, etc are sacrifices for us to simply cut the bullshit and wake up to see we are all one race. 

I wanted to capture this moment all of my life. I have spoken about it here , here, and most importantly here with the same video above. Zen has made me see what all my life I couldn’t. This, moment that I have been chasing this, need for perfection in the form of others and events so I can slip into a trance like state has been my drug. Hell, its all of our drug if you ask me. I wanted to figure out how to lock a moment in time and use it whenever I want. Shit, I should call this section of the post the “Pocket pussy” section. Point with this post I wanted to explore for a bit why I am so addicted in trying to reduce life down to a simple equation. Why I am so adamant and persistent in wanting to tame the elephant in the room by placing it inside of a cat cage . I see the way a crowd comes together for certain moments in our lifetime at times due to people who are the Gods and Goddessess of our time and, deep down I felt in my heart they had a secret I just couldn’t figure out. Something was making them unique some sort of, code if you will. I needed that code not just to be successful but, more so, so I can escape and be free from thought. Find a place in which Zen says does not exist when speaking on Nirvanna. I wanted to be the first to find it. In my heart, I knew there was some skill I had not yet mastered. A little crazy at first I know this must sound like to you the reader reading this and, well, as I write this it does even to me to  a bit but, work with me. Let me explain. 

 

“CONNECTION ISSUES” 

(Don’t worry. Video will end at the 26:05 mark)

Drake. Not only the most popular rapper currently but, the most popular star period at this moment recently dropped a album this month entitled “Views”. He was the main inspiration for this latest post you are reading now. Or, more so his new latest album is. Basically, after listening to this album on the first night it was released 4 hours before I had to go to work, I sat back at my PC and listen to it through my iTunes menu and just let it vibe it until it ended. After it was done I sat there and was just left with a “Eh” feeling.

To backtrack a bit, being more aware of who I am as a person, I started to connect some dots and see why I like certain artists or, more so on a technical level like I talked about here and especially here  why I like any form of entertainment period, I seen that the reason why I couldn’t connect with this latest Drake project was because as he spoke about here, this album was more so about how he was feeling instead of connecting as to what I was feeling. Let me explain, again.

Lines like “I told my story, and made his story” or, “Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time” and, “The men are jealous and all the women are in competition” also “I might be here as a vessel to teach people the lesson” and a line like “Fuck that nigga that you love so bad, I know you still think about the times we had” etc, etc, etc. Lines like these and many more from different artists were yes speaking from their perspective yet, as Stan level crazy as this sounds, I felt like for me, it was also speaking about the journey in  my life.

No. There is a good chance I will not even see a ounce of the life these stars see in their lifetime but, when I listen to their songs for 3 minutes 5 minutes whatever, I feel myself transported to a place in which I am invincible. A place I am a star or, feeling like a Superhero that can’t be touch or even for a second, allowed to let my feelings have a vessel to be poured into for a bit. With this album from him though and also latest projects from my favorites such as Jay Z (Magna Carter Holy Grail) and Eminem (The Marshal Mathers Lp2) I felt the same distance like I spoke about here in “Genuine Advertising” a few years back. Like the video above shows, he did this album this time for himself. I am not a fan like say I am for Eminem but, nonetheless after I finished with this album the idea for this post was sparked as well as me dealing with asking the same question I did a few years back on this blog: Who am I?  

 

 

“BUZZ SO BIG I CAN PROBABLY SELL A BLANK DISC” 

Drake, is now a brand. No longer is he just a rapper. If anything, he has reached Apple and social media apps level as far as modern day cults go. His latest album has sold a million in a week reaching Eminem, Lil Wayne, and 50 cent level as far as the “Million First Week” clubs go. He, I am sure has brought in a audience to SNL twice that he has been on it that the show I am sure hasn’t seen since its golden years. He has a a large following on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. Commercials, clothes, popular singles, Sprite deal, Jordan brand deal, etc, etc, etc.

Granted, it has been like this since I would say, 2012 when he released his “Soon to be a classic one day” to me album “Take care” but, last year when he released his “Mixtape” “If you are reading this its too late”, one of his biggest singles to date “Hotling Bling”, and, beefed with another rapper named Meek Mill which caught mainstream attention, nothing was the same (Pun intended). I knew this. Hell, I wrote about what was coming next yet, like I have said numerous times on this blog before, I fail to take my own advice. I still seen this movement as something that would never reach mainstream brand level. I thought I had Drake figured out and assumed this movement was more than just another product that was being sold to me. To us. Oh well, being wrong brings growth I guess  

I am not a die hard fan of his but I understand what its like to be a fan of something. I understand the feeling of wanting to make sure I buy whatever the product is being sold first. I know what its like to have a album in your hand and looking through the small booklet and reading the title tracks on the back of the case. I get the movement and what its like to be apart of something greater than even yourself and your life. Yet, I also know there is a business side to everything as well. More so as I get older which, is part of the basis of this whole post today. With this album “Views” I felt like it was the Teacher turning away from the student to now let him be on his own way. I now was forced to have no mask to hide behind as the “Moment of chaos” was over and rebuild to last and produce profit.Even more honest this really has nothing to do with Drake or his album. More so, this has to do with me. Us even when it comes to the crutches we use in life to avoid the random reality. Essentially, I wanted a subscription to the blue pill. Modern Day Pricus Cypher. 

From the beginning video above with Childish Gambino to the lyrics bellow of Eminem right down to the 4 opening paragraphs to start this blog, to sum up my whole point which I am sure may seem like rambling so far, I wanted or, honestly still am running from myself. I see us as a world running from ourselves and trying to find something to transport our fears, worries, problems, hopes, dreams, whatever into. THIS moment as I said above was something I was trying to find the codes in and capture in a bottle not so much for only financial gains but more so, personal. Spiritual. And definitely, mental. As weird and odd of a comparison as this is about to sound, Its like the last scene in the movie “The Road” . I was the role of the kid and now again was left to deal with the naked in the moment truth. Again, weird I know but, you get my point. If not, point is as drug addicts used their addiction to avoid the messy, unpredictable, random, and hectic ride that life could be, I was or, was doing the same in the form of music, social media, wrestling, entertaiment, etc. I wanted a answer for my life. 

 

“DEATH AND LAPTOPS” 

My laptop recently became damaged due to my, well, due to my, “Anger” issues and slow internet connection. As a result, I was left with no access to what was going on in the world. Granted, I still had my phone and PC but, for blog purposes this incident too was another inspiration for this post. Meaning, to continue on with the theme, by not having access to the internet for a few moments I started to see just how much I depended on it. This breaking was the only thing I cared about it. I no longer has access to my favorite sites which spoke about topics that I write about on this blog. I was heated at myself for being dumb but, on a deeper level, I was mad my drug was snatched away from me temporarily. Staring at a black screen, I was left sitting in my chair in silence as I had to now deal with just, me. I couldn’t hide on the internet. I had to deal with the death of my buzz and face reality in that small moment. Little did I know when it came to death, this was just the beginning. 

I don’t use “Click bait” articles to attract attention to my blog. Though, I should or you would think I should if you seen my recent numbers. Besides that though, I just don’t. Nor do I feel like my content is “Click Bait-ish” unless we are talking about my “No Filter” series. Point is I say that because, when I talk about these next few incidents that occurred in my life I do so with a point and reason. Something Patrice O’neal breaks down brilliantly when speaking on Tracy Morgan’s situation many years ago.  Anyway recently, someone I work with had to deal with the fact that his baby mother had passed away due to complications with her body. Two of my bosses at work suffered a lost as their sister had passed away in her sleep. My mother soon will have to have surgery on her leg due to suffering a fall two years ago. My cousins young and older are facing jail time, Aunts are suffering depression, Domestic issues, Money issues, etc. These moments are not found in a book I can read and find a “Answer” for it to be solved. There wasn’t a warning like say watching the weather channel around 11pm at night before you went to sleep. Point is, these moments were random and came out of left field. You can make a case for the jail and domestic issues sure but, overall when it comes to death and facing injuries, we know to be safe but still some kind of bullshit still occurs no matter how much protection we go into battle with everyday when we wake up.

My laptop being broken and the issues involving my co-workers  connection is this: I, am afraid to deal with the fact that when it comes to reality and describing it as a person, ironically, its being the husband of a hot wife who has no issues sleeping with your cousins, brothers, fathers, sisters, mothers, whatever, and doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel because of it. At, ALL. Colorful analogies to the side, the whole entire point of this post in “TlDR” fashion which connects the Childish Gambino Video, the Eminem lyrics, Drake, etc is, I thought I knew who Childish Gambino was and had him in a box until his “Because The Internet” era. I thought I knew who Drake was until he released “Views”. From a selfish standpoint as we all do, I needed something to believe in for my sake because I was, and still am afraid to deal with the chaotic,  factory setting, concrete, dirty, and disgusting “Be a shark or become its food” reality that life can be. I’m, full of shit basically. I claim to want to live a life a Zen yet, on a survival level like I spoke on here in the “Hopes and Threats” section, I am still clinging to a system so I don’t have to face any problems. I feel like we all do. The internet comment section and Twitter is the equivalent of being able to go inside of a movie theater and JUST be in there just so you don’t have to be alone. 

 

“IN CLOSING / SNAKE 97 / NO ESCAPE” 

In closing. the best visual way I can describe what this post is about (AGAIN? I must really think y’all need to be spoon fed. Anyway) is with the album “Relapse” and the song “Beautiful” by Eminem. Again like I spoke about Drake’s lyrics, when I listen to a song like “Beautiful” I KNOW its Eminem rapping about his life but, I feel like its also mine as well. I “Walk a mile in his shoes” like one of the lines from the song says. With the album “Relapse” this song and its content was pushed towards the end after the majority of the album was about murder, rape, violence, death, drugs, gay sex, incest, crossing dressing, celebrity bashing, etc. When I see these words for me, yes they have a negative association with them but, underneath what I feel that these words, the album’s content, and placing “Beautiful” towards the end represent is the human spirit. Like I spoke on here, Imperfection is the real perfection. Eminem to me, in its most “ABC” simplicity when it comes to this album and overall his style of rap is admitting to the fact that at the end of the day, we all are pieces of shit. Positively of course. But that, along with our pains, struggles, wins, loses, etc are what both keeps us connecting and at the same time what imprisons us forever.

The picture up above titled “Where the white man went wrong” has to deal more so with race but what I wanted to do was focus more on the technical part of it in context form. If we has one race, the human race, all followed the concept that the man above spoke on we wouldn’t have created all of the things we have today. Yet at the same time by not listening to that method, we have the internet and a myraid of other wonderful things humans have invented but, in terms of progression its never going to stop. Its going to keep going and going. If you have 1 million dollars what would you want next? Two million. And so on and so on. Do I just accept my life, name, present, and its past as it is and don’t move, or, do I keep chasing THIS random chaotic moment and try my best to “Trap air in a bottle”? This is why I called this post “Leatherface / Snake 97”. The leatherface part for obvious reasons but, when it comes to the Snake 97 part I feel like as a human race we all represent the snake and the ball that we are chasing is a event we react to. Like The Baltimore riots, JFK being shot, Micheal Jackson passing, MLK assassination, Magic Johnson announcing he has HIV, etc, etc, etc. 

Our mothers will die one day. Our fathers will pass on as well. The pets we love will too face death. We will have our good days and our bad days. Money will be gain and it will also be lost. Some days it will be hot, other days it will rain all day. Our friends will become distance while some will become too close. The celebrities we worship will do something human every now and then while the others stick to the script becoming slaves to their big budget contracts. Through out this post I made I wanted to live separate from this mess and find a answer for my life. Think about that. “Find a answer for MY life”. As I write this out I realize how silly this sounds and understand as Zen teaches me there is no Nirvanna to go to. There is no one that can watch the universe from a third person view and live as a separate entity. Just as I can’t escape the fact that there will always be a system or brand in this world that will be created and, despite our many, many different quirks and viewpoints, we all shit, eat, sleep, and bleed red in the same house called Earth.  The “Oldest computer” as Childish Gambino brilliantly points out.  Anyway, apologies if this latest post is very self centered and eccentrically all over the place. If anything, this can be seen as a prequal to my “Having Conversations with our own Shadows” and “Fashion Slaves of the Carousel” posts. To sum this up: “Existence exists so therefore there is no reason to question it”. That’s a great quote someone told me this week. Until next time world. Thank you.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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