Personal

HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH OUR OWN SHADOWS

(Don’t worry. Video will stop at the 3:13 mark)

I want to have something to complain about. I do. I say and act like I don’t but, deep down, I do seek that need to be connected. I seek that need to be involve in some type of drama. It gives me a chance to be way from myself and not have to be in my own thoughts. It gives me a chance to be critical of someone. It gives me the chance to see not everyone is as “Superhero” like as they claim to be. I enjoy seeing the pain and pleasure of a group as if I was a spoiled kid who wanted both Burger King and McDonalds and was gladly granted my wish. 

Isolation is too much. It feels weird because, there is no energy to pull from. There is no food that can be given to me. There is no distraction that can detour me from having to deal with myself. There is only me, and me alone to be consumed by. Consumed by memories. Consumed by fear of “What am I suppose to be doing”, and by “What I shouldn’t be doing”. Isolation brings everything crashing down around me to its pieces.. To its breadcrumb level of the truth that they really represent. It gives me nothing to feed on and leaves me no choice but to deal with the dark reality of me having the true power to create my own path of life with the help of the system that only sees me as another shoe, hat, or piece of clothing to be worn, used, and tossed to the side like the rest. 

Which is fun to be honest. Its this weird fun too. Its like, I know what is coming next from everyone and just wants to keep this game going. I want to keep this long drawn out game since the beginning of survival mode took place in humans to never expire as if I was playing my favorite “PlayStation one” title on a constant loop. I enjoy watching others complain about shit that deep down at its root core truly has no real meaning or value other than its operation to make us doing SOMETHING over NOTHING. I just enjoy the the chaos over peace and quiet. Peace and quiet are the real world Scary movie villains like Jason or Michael Myers. Peace and quiet brings my dirty laundry from out of the darkest corners of my place of rest and lets it air out with 20 fans behind it breezing every nasty, shit stain, period blood splat, green and brown moist booger, vile smell flow out for the rest of the world to, enjoy. 

Which is hard to admit I won’t lie. I have never been this honest with anyone because, I know exactly, what words they will use when I start to speak about my frustrations with the “Script” I have been dealing since I was a kid. I know exactly the body movement they will use when they pretend to listen and, after they listen, as they respectfully tune me out in their own brains to go back to thinking of their own created problems they deal with in their world before they snap back just in time and insert the right word or concept in our TRAINED conversation to make me feel better for the moment, and then, make them feel good as if they just earned money from scratching a scratch ticket. Gained a new follower to add to their already extended list on their social media pages. Or, whoever the reader is at this moment for this blog post, whatever you reading this sentence can describe the feeling you get in the form of words that helps express how you feel when you “Do a good job” and earn a gold star.  

This awareness has made me see the “good” and “bad” and learn that there is no one greater than the other. Its all connected as one. “There is no bad”. Its only a opposite reaction of what is deemed “Right” based from the roots of our need to collaborate and build a safe safety away from the chaos that nature truly is. We created the idea of safe. Think about that sentence for a moment. We truly don’t know what is going on beyond our own worlds other than the fact that we can’t describe it so, we ran away based on the body’s unknown reason to keep living. Machines don’t ask questions. 

And, honestly they shouldn’t. Machines should just work as machines. This system that we have created from words, sounds, concepts, religions, society, money, etc has turned inwards on us. Its like we are boxing with our own shadows and have forgotten the use and power of turning the light switch on it. This system should work in the same way a TV does. The same way a bed works. The same way wearing a pair of shoes work. Because I feel like once we are able to shift it towards a more simplicity level we will begin to start the real fight we all are avoiding. That real fight in which has no easy to use medicine to help get rid of it. There is no book to be read, song to be listen to, conversation to have, or, drug to take (Hmm. Debatable) that can help change the direction of traveling down that dark road with no help of a map, road signs, cellphones or, GPS to help guide you back to the warm feeling of a safety net:… Ourselves

I was suppose to release this post two days on January 3rd 2016. Like I have noted before in previous posts in the past, I usually wait until Sunday to write and drop a post for you to read and hopefully enjoy and think about life in a new way. I was ready to write and got halfway through it but, if I am being honest, I was drinking, smoking on some “Well blessed” the night prior, and earlier that day so, by the time it came to finish I just honestly said “Fuck it” and decided to just relax and chill for the rest of the day. I didn’t feel like thinking about the world. I didn’t feel like creating a new blueprint for others to follow. I didn’t want to think about the world problems and trying to see if I can fit the ocean of truth inside of a water bottle. I felt like just being in my own zone comfortable behind the scenes of my private world with own thoughts. Which sucks and looks beyond not professional when it comes to “Blog standards” but, its honest. I really didn’t want to admit that. I wish I had a better reason as to why my post didn’t come out on its usual time for late Sunday evening but, I don’t. I just came to a realization (Maybe being too high. Who knows) that, what I am trying to “Preach” and “Teach” with my words are not even really MY words that I am using. If anything, I am no different than a show being played on rerun. I am Jack’s type recorder. 

Which, made me realize how truly full of shit I am really am. Meaning, these three posts here: “Freedom for Sale”, “#NOFILTER: Writer’s Block until I told the Truth”, and “A Scary Movie about Nothing” are probably some of the most important posts on my blog. Ego and promotion to the side (Somewhat) I say this because, I talk and preach to not only you the reader but me myself about this idea of Freedom and how much we all should strive to go out there and try to find it in life but, truthfully, deep down, what am I really even talking about? The “Freedom for Sale” and “NOFILTER” posts are all about me being free in that moment as I wrote down whatever was in my brain along with how I was feeling without holding back in because of fear or worry about how it would be received out there in the internet world.I just didn’t care and said what I wanted to be said. Those were not “just  posts” in a traditional sense . Those “posts” were, and is how I feel most of the time about everything without it being seen from a “Concept” of  Depression or Sadness. It was my freedom. It was my honest, dirt in mud expression in the form of liquor without a chaser to make the swallowing easier. Like women with empty bottles of Blowjob spray they brought online hidden away out of sight from the kid and of course their husbands. However, connect those two posts with “A Scary Movie” about nothing and, all I see now are truly JUST POSTS. Another system that has been created. A water bottle from the ocean of truth sold back to me as reality. This is why Zen books being sold in stores brings out a laugh……………………actually, no it doesn’t. It just sounds cooler for the blog to say that. Like, people who write “LOL” in a text but are very, very far from laughing at anything. 

Which is why the video clip up above of Alan Watts explains everything. Which, in according to the theme of this post is both simultaneously good and bad. Like a girlfriend or boyfriend who fucks you a certain way in the bedroom yet overall, they are full of shit and bad for your sanity and health long term relationship wise. It places a name to this moment. It has a word, concept, conversation, memory, and medicine for THIS moment in which I am speaking of right now. I mean, there is a definition for the “WORD” Freedom in the dictionary. How, truly madly insane that is when  you sit back and think about it. AS Kanye West says here, “If you say anything you lose everything”. I claim freedom but what really am I “Free” from? This blog is still a system I abide by. The idea of “Me” and my past is something I am still chained to as a slave. The need for finding “Truth” is me still on a hunt for something I was already born with but forgot. Or, more so, never told I had because the people that came before me drank from the same Koolaid pitcher. How can I blame the blind for not being able to describe MY own vision? In fact, I hate saying this but, if the Illuminati is real, I hope they have a plan. I mean, what I am saying is, I hope there is SOMETHING they are striving towards. I hope they do have some sort of master plan that has a end game to all this. Because, if they were just doing this JUST to do it JUST BECAUSE. Ouch. No reason? Just, cosplaying roles of “power” for the fun of it? The realization that, we as humans play both the role of the hero and villain is both a funny, and extremely frighting idea. How do you kill what can’t be erased in a mirror without death? 

All my life I have been having conversations with my shadow that was not in the image of my own. It was fun too. I enjoyed the illusion because it gave me (Me??) meaning and order. It created this nest to lay my head in and rest as the Mother shadow took care of my food an safety so I would never have to use my wings and float away on my own. I have come to understand that what I considered “Life” was no more than a page out of someone else’s notebook. I boxed it in to having money, getting married, raising kids, being successful, playing the game of Simon says and then, BOOM. That’s it, that’s all folks. That is what I shrunk life down to. LIFE. I only listened to a 5 songs playlist from someone else’s iPOD of infinite music and, well, excuse me as I take out the earplugs and listen to what I want for a change. Since, I am starting to learn what it is I WANT. That’s all I can do is try and see what it is I want. I can’t offer anyone anything of substance. I have no answers. I have no hidden knowledge. I have nothing to teach. None of us do. All we have is the understanding of self and our own experience. Life, when it comes to us coming together should be treated the same way a checkpoint is when driving on the highway. We come together for a while and converse or display action and then, we move on and continue on our own path. You may say “You mean, just like going to sporting events, parties, and family dinners  dumbass?” No. I mean that on a much, much, much higher scale. 

We came together because of a need to survive and help each other. I see nothing wrong with that as it helps keeps things in tact and places some structure on the world but, I feel awe have been so used to that model for so long that the idea of being alone and exploring our own paths in life have been demonized and cast off as a mental disorder. There is a name for everything. I will never be able to explain. Perfection I guess does exist.  “I guess”. Again, as you can see, when I say “Perfection I guess does exist”  it is based on a worldly definition and not really one of my own thoughts and dreams. We are like kids that have been left home alone and have yet to realize the parents are not coming back. Parents give birth to new creations like Truth and Reality before the kid becomes another system and brand like Pepsi or Coke. Truth and Reality work the same way as giving birth to kids does. It creates something new before it becomes a adult (System) and brand like Mountain Dew or Sprite. That goes for all of us.

I laughed at the man that became a little girl. I joked about men who dress up as “My little Pony”. And, I cried out loud when I heard about the woman that married the Eiffel Tower. But, what was funny about it? Was it really funny or, was it just deemed as “bad” when placed up against what is deemed “Right”? What exactly are these people doing wrong in a world in which no one knows what is going on.  I am merely just another participant in the longest game of Hot potato. I am helping someone else in the future play the same game with no winners or losers except the ones WE on OUR OWN choose. This thought can not be proven wrong. Can it? And, if that is the case then, well, I chose not to play the game anymore. I chose not to play any game. Hell, I chose not to associate “MY” time with the word “Play” anymore. None of us should. None of us should live by someone else’s definition. All I have is my experience the same way you have yours. I am both right, wrong, and neither. We all are the word “And” between “Ying” & “Yang”….. And, that’s it. I’m out of words. If I was unable to clearly explain myself with this post to you then, I apologize. If you understood this post and need to never read anything else again in life then, I again apologize for causing that illusion. I’ll leave it here with a Joe Rogan clip from his 2006  stand up special which sums up everything perfectly…… Unfortunately 

 

 

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Categories: Personal, Writing, Zen

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