I might owe Childish Gambino some money after this. What is this video 3? 4? Anyway.
I don’t know. Truly I don’t. That post last week in which my brain went frozen and decided to keep all of its thoughts locked inside was the best thing that happened to me. It was like my mind wasn’t necessarily holding back but more so asking me in a subtle way “What the fuck are you doing? You don’t get it yet?”. Its like a Comedian is on stage. A very, “Ahead of the curve” Bill Hicks esque style comedian who’s third eye is wide open and causing everybody in attendance to laugh in tears except me. I am just sitting there wondering what is going on as he spits his rapid “over my head” hidden truths wrapped up in a egg roll style form of jokes and my mouth refuses to open up to take even a small micro size bite.
I said that more than likely it was another case of writer’s block which for me doesn’t last a long time. I can’t really speak for other bloggers or writers (Ha. Look at me calling myself a writer. Its like musicians or actors giving each other awards without the say of the critics. By the way, what is the difference between a kid receiving Christmas gifts not from their Xmas list but instead their Grandma and a critic anyway? Oh nevermind. I digress)
This wasn’t writer’s block in which lasts a couple days no. The “truth” I had in which I thought was just a momentary truth was more than that. It wasn’t a moment captured in time in which I thought would just POOF and fade away eventually. Because I still feel that way as I write this next post out today. My brain is empty and not in tune with a spoon fed truth.
The truth in which I thought was the truth was no more than just a word. A sound I use to make with my voice. A word a rapper uses in their songs. A \singer uses in their songs. Author’s uses in his book. People use in a conversation. And so on and so on and so on.
I have no fight to fight. I have no battle to try and win. I have nothing I want to inform you about. I have no say on race issues. On gender issues. On Government issues. On Entertainment issues. On nothing. I have no use in walking inside the cold and “Blair Witch Project” like style of woods to grab more wood for the fire we all crowd around to burn higher in flames as we all stand zoned out with the face of a Zombie, when I should go my own way and create a place of my own to live and warm my mind up mentally.
I say this not to sound cool and put words together in a fancy way to make you go “Ooo” and “Ahhh”. I have no magic tricks in which I am using to dazzle the crowd as I try to get you on my side and see “my” POV for this blog. I truly don’t. There is no “my” anyway. I want you to read this post and think I am crazy. Think I am weird. Stop reading in fact. Hell, I want you to start laughing and move on to another website to be honest. Whatever you feel NOW is what I care about. Now. Right now. Great business move huh? Bill gates watch out. I am almost there buddy.
I keep stopping trying to assemble the right words together for this blank canvas. I keep pausing and thinking hoping the words will spill out and find me but they don’t. How can they? How can words capture a feeling? They can’t that’s way. And no this is not a post in which I am calling out for a “cry for help” because I am feeling “sad”, “depressed”, “suicidal”, or whatever word you can use that has been stored in your brain like files of pictures, music, and Oscar worthy acting Porn. Don’t slip into that easy trap of thinking. Never fall into anyway traps of thought. EVER my friend.
Freddy Kruger couldn’t of dreamed up a better nightmare I which am faced with. In which we all are faced with. The horrible realization that we each can live out our own way of life has been kept from us by OUR OWN prison that WE have created. We are staring at are own shadows and going one on one with them in a boxing match. I have been fighting my shadow and other’s all my life and feel its time to cut the lights on and end this mindless game of non-sexual masturbation. Jeeze. That sounded extremely Disney PG-13 and corny. Someone cue the dramatic music please.
For you see, even I as I scribble type this mess out on a empty page I am too waiting for my own big revel. That point in the post in which everything connects and makes sense. The dramatic shift in the movie if you will. When is this big long post going to turn around and show my point I am trying to make. When is the brain going to shit out another fast food truth value meal for me and you to snack on for a week. When? Eh. Cue the fart and piss sound here. There is nothing to cram down your throat this week. Nothing to blame it on and slap a title to it just so it can seem like I had this all planned out. Nope.
There is no big revel because in order for me to do that, I would have to slip in your mind and show you what you already know. I would have to show you what you have always had since you were born into this place. I would have to raise a mirror and show you yourself. Sorry but, I can’t do that and never will be able to. My truth last week was not writer’s block. My truth this week is not a announcement that I have reached a new level of thought in which you too can get, or, not get unless you read and watch the videos I and other “smart” people view. There is nothing to buy or sell. No easy to fix drink. No product to market. Nothing. The fact that there is even a phrase for the idea of nothing is absurd. Just like the fact there are words and concepts for things such as “Freedom”, “Rich”, and “Poor”.
If you are still someone able to read this thank you. Or, I should say not thank you to continue this “theme” of “no theme” post. I feel nervous about posting this. I feel like this is lazy writing as if I am jipping you off two weeks in a row. Like I have hit my Eminem “Encore” era stage and just deiced to release whatever. Whatever I feel and wrap it up in shit and serve it to you like its something special and “too abstract” for you to understand. Its not. Its really not. Even though all BS aside f I am “keeping it real” I say that sure but, I know deep down in my stomach I kind of want it to be. I say or sound like “I am too cool to care about your opinions” but, I do. I do and I can’t bullshit that no matter how hard I try because right now in this moment this is how I feel. In THIS TIME.
Yet, when I compare it to other people’s work I feel like its still shitty and not good. Others have more likes and views on their posts and that makes me feel weird to release posts like this. I should copy them and see what they are doing “right” so I can stay in the “game” but, I never could and never will. That is my MY voice. That is A VOICE but not MY voice. And yes, I realized I just use praised for the word “My” despite me shitting on the use of it a few paragraphs back. You caught me in a contradiction. Cool. I hope you can spot more. Call them all out.
I even again had a post I wanted to write out but couldn’t. I changed my mind mid way and again grabbed what was in my brain and wrote that out. IN THE MOMENT. I again waited and just, Idk, let my “pen” (Pen? Okay crazy) move on its own and just jot down whatever came out of me. I am calling this post “A Scary Movie About Nothing”. I just thought of that title a few minutes ago. I use the genre “Scary movie” because a scary movie shows the ugly, raw, nasty, brutal, heartless, and devil like animal like side of nature and places it on a film. A film in which the good guy doesn’t always win like say the movie “Hostel”, “Saw 1”, “Blair Witch Project”, etc. Its truth in a way, but a truth captured in photo. A photograph of a horror movie.
Yet, at the same time in the title I use the word “Movie”. Meaning, after you read this post it will stand out like a “movie”. Something to view and be entertained by but, as Childish Gambino points out about High School in a way, after you stop reading this life will go on and you will watch another “movie”. A movie about “Family”. A movie about “Hating your job”. A movie about “Arguments with your boyfriend/girlfriend”. A movie about “Being worried about your future”. And so on and so on. Finally I use the word “Nothing” to describe the “movie” but I am far from trying to create a story for you. This is not a story. This is not a book with chapters that follow a journey of a person or group. This word “Nothing” to me is both scary and liberating. I just found that video of Childish Gambino because I remember those last 5 minutes sticking out to me and decided to paste on JUST NOW. Those last 5 minutes say everything. To put it as bluntly as I can, I am just another dude rambling about life. I am taking a shot in the dark just like everyone else.
I mean, even the suppose Government who are suppose to be the Elite and know this “Big secret” like a 1,000 Illuminati videos on YouTube speak about have guns that they will use on you. A Army, and also computers they use to monitor and keep track on people. If they had this “Big secret” that can controls us all, why do they need guns, computers, and laws to restrain us? It shows to me that even THEY don’t know what is going on and are just using this concept of “perceived power” to hold on to while they force themselves to believe in this imaginary story we ALL tell ourselves everyday based on us forgetting it was at once used for survival reasons to combat the CHAOTIC INDIFFERENT nature of LIFE. I am no different than them or you. I can only be me and see what I come up with. Self is the answer. Self of, idk, what you like. Self in which like I talked about here and here and how others are afraid of dealing with original choices. We I believe are making progress yet at the same time still going back 4 steps each time we fight with each other over ideas, philosophies, science, education, religion, family, “power”, money, etc, etc, etc.
In closing of this ramble like style post all I could say is we are like a calculator trapped inside of a bowl of jello. (Stay with me you made it this far) Meaning, as Bill Hicks (I brought him up again? Jeeze I need to material) said we are all experiencing itself subjectively. That is where the calculator part comes in. When we are born into this world each of us has his or her own number that is there’s forever. I may be one while you ate 2. Your Mother is 67. Dad is 9,067, girlfriend is 333, and so on. That is our own number forever. That is us viewing life through are own lens. The jello part minus the colorful sweaters and wordy abuse about black people plays the part of our collective conscience. A one world conscience. No matter what we are all on this journey together yet at the same time, we are alone living life for our selves.
Good energy and bad energy are meant to do this forever. They play off each other to keep this game of “Climbing the ladder” to nowhere going. Ying and Yang. Just like this post is trying (Or not trying) to speak about. I am saying nothing yet something at the same time. Such as life. Once you find “A truth” experience hits you in the face with a taste of reality and now you have to deal with that moment IN THE MOMENT and find a new “truth” to wrestle with. But, like I said, this is just another “Movie” for you to watch. Reality will hit you in 5 seconds and a new “Movie” to watch will be waiting for you. What do I know? What do you know? What did people before us know?. If God was truly here as The Bible claims, who gave him the powers first? More questions than answers. Today has been cancelled. Go back to bed and dream instead. And yes, I know you have bills to pay and can’t REALLY do that but, philosophical wise I mean dream instead. You damn “Logically Literal Police” . Anyway, until next time next friends.