Writer’s block feels worse than having a dick and watching the movie “Teeth” on Netflix

I really don’t know what to write anymore sometimes. I am sitting here trying to brainstorm and come up with a idea that is thought provoking and brand new in which I never heard or seen from anybody else. I keep trying to force myself to create something cool and weird and at the same time to readable  for everybody to enjoy.  I keep trying so hard but coming up with nothing. My brain is empty and fog like. The ideas are playing a wicked game of hide and go seek and are winning each round. I want to just say fuck it and walk away from this laptop and drink a beer, smoke some weed, find a chick to fuck, or just watch Netflix all day and be lazy while other people do all the hard work trying to find the “truth”. 

The truth. Psssh. What is that anyway. Why am I trying so hard to dig in my brain and find out what that is. I really don’t care to be honest if I am “Keeping it real” as my skin tone share holders love to say. I could care less about it because when I do “find it” it will just change in a matter of seconds the next moment. I don’t care about ever truly finding something in which does not really exist. That’s why  stopped mid-way through writing a brand new post and gave up in a way. It sounded mechanical and bland. I sounded like someone who was above it all and knew exactly how others should live there life. But in truth I don’t. I never will. I will never be able to create a blueprint in which you should live your life. Honestly if I am being more “Real” I don’t care. In that moment if you share something with me sure I may care, but just know the next minute I will thinking about a job I hate, bills I have to pay, women I want to fuck, food I want to eat, and bullshit I want to buy and waste money on that I should be saving. I am full of monkey shit like the next person selling you a dream. If that is upsetting good. I hope it is. Not in a “OMG he just said that ” shocking way, but more so just a whatever way. Its how I feel right now. 

I rather watch bullshit videos all day of people falling down and doing stupid shit which serves no purpose other than to make me laugh all day like Worldstarhiphop.com. Yeah, the bad website I am not suppose to be watching. That site. That evil and bad site which shows all of the crazy shit in the world in which people claim to hate yet view everyday. THAT SITE. Oh my god what is going to happen to me now when I watch that. How am I ever going to be able to function after watching a video of a chick beating up another chick, or of a cop shooting another black kid in the chest or head. My brain will be dead forever after that. Right? Where have my morals gone oh my god. Psssh. Bullshit. Its all bullshit. You can watch that video but that wont stop you from thinking about buying dumb ass Xmas gifts for the family, making sure your light bill is paid off, taking care of that car note, or going to war with Comcast over their high ass internet and TV bill. Point is who gives a fuck. A video is a video and I like to watch it. I enjoy my bullshit with no direction as much as the next person and I am still a functioning asshole that does what needs to be done so I can come off as a good person. Whatever that means.

What does that mean anyway? A “good person”. No, I am not talking about some over the top shit like not wanting to touch kids or try and rape girls at night while they are jogging in the park (Who jogs at night? Nevermind keep reading) I am talking about why am I good? What then is bad? Why am I only allowed two boxes to explain who I am as a person? How can a person be explained with two boxes? I can’t be placed in two boxes. I have my good days and I have my days in which I feel like driving my car and running over a few stray cats and wide eyed squirrels. Some days I want to talk nicely to a woman, while other days I just want to get to the point and unload my dark hidden fantasies on her body and use her body as a blank canvas for my colorful mind and “paintbrush” to express itself. Am I still a good person? Why does that make me bad? Bad to me is the motherfucker that wont be that honest and tell you how he or she really feels. Give me a white person that has a deep seated reason why he wants to use the word “Nigger” or “Porch Monkey” over one that will smile in your face and joke behind your back while waving a watermelon when your not looking. Give me a slut that says she enjoys to be in dick sucking contests while her baby father or stable and nice boyfriend babysits her kids, over a woman who smiles in your face while pretending to listen to what you say, while holding and hiding the fact she has leftover cum inside of her teeth from another man that her toothbrush couldn’t manage to get out of her mouth from a couple hours ago.  Give me the liberty or give me death. 

Give me something to feel. I’ll do my best to do the same. I don’t have a answer. I don’t even have a plan on how I write my posts out. I just wait to the last minute on Sunday and just spit out whatever I can in 4 hours. I am lazy some days and hard working the next. Its why I probably gave up halfway with a post I was working on a few moments ago. I just didn’t feel it because it sounded like I was full of shit. Maybe I might release it maybe I wont. Point is, who gives a damn. I tried to explain truth but I ended up failing because I tried to explain truth. I tried to explain reality. I tried to explain how to live your life. I can’t do that shit. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong. Not even the the society rules in which we live by can. How can something be wrong yet already done at the same time? We tell ourselves we know everything until a crazed person shifts the conversation and gives us more questions to answer. Its why I am starting not to care about what another person’s credentials are. Fuck those pieces of paper to uplift and strengthen the inner smugness that lives deep within you. What can that do when someone breaks into your house? When someone tries to kidnap your kids? When the Government creates new rules to follow and snatch away your privacy? What can you do in a country in which is run by a system and not a democracy. There is a family out there with a Trillion dollars in the bank that runs the world and makes decisions a year in advance before we even get to hear them. Tell me why your pieces of paper in which SOMEONE else says you are worthy to be considered a “good” person in life is something I just give a rats ass about. Go ahead, I’ll wait. 

Look, if you want to buy enough drugs to pour it on a stripper’s ass and sniff up like a recreation of the infamous Scarface scene with a table full of power, go ahead. If you want to drive by overweight kids while they stand in front of a ice cream truck and yell “Haven’t you had enough!?” by all means do your thing. If you feel like walking pass your bosses car before you walk into work and pulling your pants down to take a slow and deadly piss on the side of it, you get two thumbs up from me. Point is, if that is your truth in that moment and you feel like running towards it then knock yourself out and do as you please. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong no better than the next man with more “perceived power” than I do. I can only live mine truth as you can only live yours. This is why this post comes off as having a tone of anger to it. I wanted to write out exactly this feeling but couldn’t find the words because I wasn’t being truthful with myself or you the reader. Hell, if there is even still a reader after this post. If not, cool. I rather have 7 people read and enjoy y work then someone who supports “Trigger warnings” and “Fingersnaps” to avoid the bullshit that life can be sometimes. 

I suppose this can be seen as lazy writing. I wouldn’t blame you. I have all week to come up with a post and instead I get pissed off at being stuck on a idea and decided to push out whatever I can at the last second. That is my fault and I take blame. Or, is it really a fault? I think I got mad at not being able to write because it was a disconnect. Right now though there isn’t. In this moment I am writing exactly what is on my mind. My post I was going to release wasn’t that. It was far from it. This though is what I should be reaching towards. What everybody should be reaching towards. Hell, if I were to ever hit the lotto or come into a large sum of money within the next few days I may say fuck this blog and go start buying the most useless shit I can think of. Its honest and truthful. Its how I am thinking NOW. That is my main point. I could say in the MOMENT that money is everything but, what will then happen in that next flash when I do have enough money to piss on my own bosses car and never worry about having to live paycheck to paycheck again? Reality and truth can not be sold to you like those stupid ads on a YouTube video you are trying to watch. Its how you feel now. Its not about what you are suppose to feel and think about based on what is popular on social media. The only reason there are still people in power in the information age is because we have yet to realize information is free and boundless for everyone. The word and concept of a leader should of been dead a long time ago. Who else can lead YOU down YOUR own path in life other than YOURSELF?

I wanted to change and save the world one day. But then, my cousin came over with some weed and I decided to laugh and joke about old times in the past with him. Guess I am wrong for that. Good. Maybe someone else can save the world from whatever danger that WE OURSELVES are causing. I would say we should all hold hands and hug one another until we understand the concept of love but, sooner or later that would get boring and someone will want to fight another person for whatever dumb reason they can think of. That’s not bad that is just life. Some women are going to want to fuck you, others are going to think you are ugly and avoid you like the plague. Some guys will want you as their girlfriend, while others are waiting for your 17 year old sister to turn 18 and try her first beer and blunt with her. There is no middle ground no matter how hard you try and seek it. Once you do someone “find it”, reality will laugh and change the rules of the game that you think you have won or think you can win at. This is not to depress or cause stress in the brain as if there is no hope. This is probably one of the most upbeat posts you will read today. I am freeing you from the system you find yourself in daily. One of the most honest quotes I ever read was from the website “The Truth Contest”. The quote was:  “It is impossible to be conscious of being unconscious.”.

That quote could mean something else but what I took from it was no one can tell you about death and still be alive today. So how on earth can they tell you the time limit of life? What does a priest know? What does a scientist know? What does anybody with a degree really knows when it comes to the big questions of life? We are all pattern watchers but have no idea how and why the game was made because there may be no answer for it. Even if we did find the big answers as to why all of this was made, how would that effect the next moment? And the next moment. The other moment. Etc. The fact that I had writer’s block today and said “Fuck it” and wrote out this post is the best thing that could of happen to me. It was how I felt at the time in the present NOW moment. That is all we can do while we are here. That is what I stressed about with this post, this one, here,here, and here too. The fact that I am even calling this a “#NOFILTER” post discredits the message I am driving home today. I never had this planed out I just wrote it from a place of frustration in the present moment which ended up being the best thing I can do. Whatever though. I am just stalling now to fill up my post because I ran out of things to say at this point. If you are still reading this sentence more power to you. This is not a “Indignation dollar” moment like Bill Hicks once joked about once. This is really how I felt. If more brutal and honest questions aren’t asked to push the conversation forward then what really are we here for? What then becomes the difference between having a job and having a life if we never evolve to the next level for others to explore and keep going?  


Categories: #NOFILTER, Writing, Zen

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