(Don’t worry. Video will stop at the 20:46 mark) 



Public Intellectual masturbation paradigm fetish….  


Weird saying huh? I actually just came up with it a hour before I began to write whatever this post is going to end up becoming. I honestly have no idea where it will end up in a few hours. I really don’t know where the words will take me but, I do know that the saying I just came up with above is where I find myself. Its like I just realized or, more so, figured out here with this post towards the end under “Death and the Neo Prison” section that I am on a constant need to “figure it all out”. In my kid years I was more concerned with Saturday morning cartoons and teeth killing cereal in the form of Captain Crunch, Peanut Butter Crunch, and that god awful Oreo cereal. In my teens, it was sex, wrestling, Rap music, introduction to weed, etc. And now, in my 20’s I am out for the blood from the books of “knowledge” like a vampire from any of the 1,000 movies about them that have come out in the past 8 years. I actually liked some of the movies but, you get what I mean.  

Every post that I look back on that I have created or even read myself can be summed up into finding “it”. You know that “it” too. That one “It” that will solve every fault inside each and everyone one of our thoughts, emotions, ideas, philosophies, ideologies, etc. That one “thing” or “word” which will make every puzzle piece away from the grand picture suddenly have a place to fit in and complete the picture. That “It” or more so the search for it is addicting. Its addicting not just for the journey but, more so because other people get to watch you trying to find “it”. I’ll admit it. I love conversations in which I can display some of the knowledge I have found. That knowledge which by the “rules of the system” make me as a man stand out as “Smart” or “Enlightened”. I am now part of the cool club I chased around just like everybody else did in high school to be apart of. Its funny. The best way I can describe the irony of that when I think back on my High school days is a quote/lyric from rapper Tyler, The Creator:

I was defiant, always said, “Fuck shit”
Hated the popular ones, now I’m the popular one -“Rusty”  

This search to be right and come closer to finding the grand “truth” while others remained in the dark brings me or, brought me some sort of enjoyment. Like being the first kid on the block to have a PS2 or Xbox back in that day. This need to rub this “knowledge” in everyone’s face while at the same time feed my brain to have ammo to shit out in regular Senflied-esque conversations with others was my high in a way. It feels great in the moment when your high too. When your high off whatever stimulant of your choosing it is one of the best feelings besides sex or eating a hot and soft cheddar garlic cheese biscuit from Red Lobster (Or, maybe that is just me) It brings a chance to just run away and escape from all the headaches that plagues our everyday lives. Being high to me is like a reality pause button. Think “Click” from that SOMEwhat underrated movie. But, like one of my favorite Pink songs “Sober” explains out in the chorus, sooner or later reality comes crawling right back in our lives and brings the high to a slow burning and frustrating halt. This is where I find myself now when it comes to the chase of “being right”. 

I just, idk. I guess it can start with this book I read recently called “Hardcore Zen, Punk Rock, Monster Movies, and the Truth about Reality”. It was basically a Zen book for modern times. Like a Hipster looking back on Hip Hop music and finding the faults (which made it cool) and criticizing it for not being modern. Despite the fact that its impossible from something in the 90’s to be modern in 2015 but, that’s for another time to discuss. This book is a great read and I recommend it for anyone who just needs a simple restart in their lives. This book just simply asks the question “Who are you?”. I mean, of course I answered I am me but, as the book and overall the theme of Zen goes what exactly is “Me”? What is a “I”? What is my “past” and “future”? Question after question after question. The book before you even open says “Question everything” on the back of it and, I started to do so which each page I turned and excellent chapter I read (With the assist of a few joints I’ll admit) and, I caught myself coming to another buzz killer moment in which I had to stop and question my whole path to be “right” and find “truth”. Whose truth, path, and IDEA of what is right am I really going after? What exactly do I HAVE to chase? Why do I have to chase anything? 

My most recent posts named “Staring at the Colors of a Movie Poster”, “The Perfect Answer for the Non-Believer”, “Interruption in Reality”, “Food from Thought”, and “The Box” in my view have cracked the codes of something I never really thought I was going towards. I mean, I am not a Zen master all of a sudden because I read a book and watched a dozen Alan Watts videos on YouTube but, at the same time without knowing it I was leaning towards coming to a real truth about the world and most importantly the real truth about myself. As I type this out even now, I am trying to THINK of what the RIGHT thing to say instead of just letting the words come out of me. Here I am thinking of the RIGHT combination of words to say in order to make my point and have it make sense to the reader yet honestly, I have no point to share for you to follow nor do I have the answer to help your life out. Not for this blog not for you or anyone else to grasp a hold of. My answer whatever I come up with can change today. The next hour. The next minute. Hell even the next second.

See. I told you I really don’t have any clue as to how or where these words will take me. I still don’t as I come to a ending with this current sentence you are reading this very second. Honestly, how can anyone one of us? Why would we even want to. Like the Childish Gambino video points out above, in my own interpretation of what he is saying, we have been raised to stare at wall all our lives inside of a house while the world outside continues its routine of no routine. Yeah, the sun comes up and the sun comes down, leaves fall in the Fall, snow in the winter, booty shorts on women come out to play in the Summer, and so on and so on yet, that is no different than knowing how a car works. Yeah, we know how a car works but, what is the point if you never use it to drive where ever you want to? Its like all our lives we have been trapped inside of this mall. The mall of Propaganda if you will. One store is for Religion. The other store is for Media. Others can be Conspiracy theories, Racism, Feminism, Relationships, Male Privilege, White Privilege, Politics, War, Self hate, Words, Ideas, Concepts, Family, How to be Happy, etc, etc ,etc. We have been shopping in each and every one of these stores searching for the truth all our lives and, in the process forgetting the fact that we are the consumer, builder, and promoter of the products WE have helped created based on a need to survive back then. When will it come to a point in which we move out of “survival mode” and enter into the realm of the unknown or, to word it better, the path of the self. 

Its as if we are kids that were given “toys” to play with while the perceived “Adults” went to the dinner table to discuss our future. “Look see! Look at the Illuminati”. “Oh look see! Politics are corrupt its obvious”. “Feminism is bad for women see! Pay attention it makes sense!”. Its all distractions. Whether its the recent news of Charlie Sheen, Paris Attacks, The presidential coverage and the rise of “Black Lives Matter, Ronda Rousey losing, etc. Its toys for us to play with and research while more “important” plans are mapped out. In a way, you can compare it to Halloween. We go from door to door with our scripts in our Halloween costumes (“Modern” or “trendy” fashion) When its time, we all shout out the lines “Its all a lie. Its a trick to confuse you” Trick or treat! Then we are handed our candy and move on. However, the next day the costumes go back in the box and we go back to work to chase….what? The American Dream? Like the video up above again depicts, no matter how much Childish Gambino says to just be free and enjoy life most can’t because they have to make money and feed their family. Its in the same vein as the Bill Hicks quote about money and, I can’t disagree. Sure, I know what I write here sounds great and motivational an all but, I know damn well we all have jobs we have to wake up to tomorrow and deal with just so we can get a paycheck that will be gone within the next 3 days. The system was meant to have it be our Gods yet couldn’t stand on its own without our help. How can “God” need help when he is the ruler of all? Its perceived power to fool our eyes into believing what we see, hear, taste, smell, and feel is real. Its not. It never was. It was meant to only go forward. Machines don’t ask questions remember? 

Yet, as terrible as this all sounds it doesn’t mean a damn thing. Want to know why? Because if I don’t want to listen to a genre of music I am not in the mood for you know what I do? Don’t pay attention to it. Meaning, nobody on this planet has my fingerprint. Just like nobody has yours, your mother, father, sister, brother, etc. We are all collaborators on the longest song that will never be finished. The game is to make us keep playing no matter what. Its not about wins and loses its about numbers in the seats watching and participating. We all have a chance to really help push forward and move from the “right path” we are/are SUPPOSE to take and instead do whatever it is we please. This is the information age after all and once we realize the power in that fact, no amount of manipulation for us to focus on the system will work. How can we ever pay attention to it when we are busy enjoying the lives we TRULY want to? Will it come in my or your lifetime? Probably not but, why we are here, why act like 80’s Rockstars and leave Hotel rooms trashed? Why not leave it like we found it so the next person to use it can benefit and take it further than we ever can. (That was a bit twisty with the analogy but, hopefully you get it) Or else, we are no different than the parents that came before us who followed the program and did nothing to change it for the kids not yet born. Just trapped in being spectators instead of grounder breakers for the future. 

In any event, to sum up this free association like rant, I am just simply saying the truth you or I seek is not “out” there. You’ll never find it if you keep looking out there. It will never show up no matter how much sex, drugs, alcohol, media, etc you consume. The answer may not even be in you. Hell, in  my view I don’t think there is a “answer”. Yet, you shouldn’t even listen to me on whether there is a answer or not. How the fuck am I suppose to find what YOUR answer is anyway? Point is, I feel like the search is a waste. The search for me was for a show to prove something to others that I was in the game and know the “truth”. That wasn’t “my” truth. There is no “my truth”. There are stories and memories sure but, MY truth is not real. Reality comes in goes like the wind or a finger snap. That is all that matters. My name is no different than the illusion of money. Reality just IS. It hurts, its fun, its weird, its odd, its offbeat, its the times in which you were not cool, not smooth, not a character, not a true person in the moment, etc. If you are looking for happiness you find it here or on any other blog, book, song, or movie. You find it when you are not looking for it. I’ll leave it here the same way I started with Childish Gambino. Here are lyrics from a song that fits perfectly with the theme of this latest post called “Life The Biggest Troll” from one of my favorite albums of all time from him called “Because The Internet”. I also wrote a post on him here  about another song from the album while back.  Thank you all for your time. More posts to come soon…

Eventually all my followers realize they don’t need a leader
Stay on your own shit, fuck what these clones think
Just remember that you the shit, but act like it don’t stink
We were childish but had to grow up
When you spitting real shit eventually you throw up
Realities like allergies, I’m afraid to go nuts
Life’s the biggest troll but the joke is on us – Life: The Biggest Troll

Categories: Motivation, Writing, Zen

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