The painting that is a woman. 

This is where I at first thought was the closes thing to a “perfect answer” that a man can ever come close to consuming and indulging in. A perfect answer which on its surface level is a one wo-man spectacle to marvel and gawk at. By painting of course, I mean the beauty that a women presents to the world in the form of her outfit, makeup, unique color combinations, heels, personality, etc. That, along with the hope and faith towards men at chance to obtain this beauty in the form of pleasure, and a bit of pain can lead even the strongest of men to believe this right here on earth was the perfect answer he has sought out since he became self aware and knowledgeable in abstract concepts.  

Of course, this was merely a placebo effect that require my participation in order for its “perceived power” to take its course. The painting that I sought out to take away the natural chaotic indifference that plagues every person born on this earth was only a thin layer of armor against the sharpest samurai sword that can tear through skin, bone, and course spirit called life. A robin to my Batman. Fangs to wolf. A glove to a baseball player. Or more so, a shield to my Captain America was how this first mistake as my perfect answer came to a end. She was there merely as an assist to a life that still was mine. Not a finish line for which I can stop and collapse to find permanent rest as if I no longer had to race in life. 

A perfect answer it seems was still to be found. A perfect answer that would free me from ever feeling out of control like when I was young and felt like ant trapped inside of a warehouse. A breadcrumb lost in a Grocery store. A piece of lint floating around a clothing store. A old man free from a long term prison sentence who was now alone in the world by himself. I wanted to escape and hide in a prison from which can give me a infinite order to follow for 24/7. For a brief time I encountered moments of illusion in which maybe the perfect answer was found.

Once it was in music until I seen just how the business of music grew into a virus that effects artists from the big to the small. Then it was money in which as I grew older I started to see what I could obtain with it. But as I traveled deep down the rabbit hole all I could see was that money was like buying a row of empty houses without being allowed to put furniture inside. Outside the houses look great but, inside there was nothing there but a lot of space that can never be filled. Women, money, and music are no more than rims, a speaker system, and a tint windows on my vehicle of life for which I still had to drive and create my own path. My search continued. 

Then, currently I find myself in a place not so much seeking a end but, more so, seeking more deleted scenes to add to a already long movie called life. What I mean is, all my life I have been on a continuous journey to, metaphorically speaking, find a place to replace the womb that ironically once left me in a limitless space in which gave me room to never worry. To never doubt. To never become upset or feel hopeless. The womb for everybody is the spot for which the word and concept of freedom is even too small to use to help describe the feeling we all used to feel. Yet, the humor in trying to find a place of restriction always left me sooner or later seeking its destruction.  I wanted to marry a barbie doll but still have it show emotions towards me as a real person. I wanted my porn star and to be able to fuck it too. 

The irony of my zodiac sign which is all about structure and order would find this revelation funny but, in recent years of my path of self discovery I now see myself more so enjoying mistakes and failures. I enjoy moments in which I in conversations I am wrong about something and now forced to readjust my thoughts. I now see the the message in Michael Jordan being cut from his high school team as it only pushed him to try harder in life. I now see the reason and enjoy the moments in which I was rejected by woman or even the “perceived” popular kids in my high school years. It only lead me to go harder in life and do my best to conquer it. Its almost as if I have been doing my best to build the greatest building in the world with my bare hands to then only do my best to set gasoline over it and burn it to the ground. 

Of course, this is all from a philosophy perspective. I don’t want this to come off more chaotic than I am sure it already is for anybody reading now. Sometimes my “style of no style” can have my writing come off as a man who is confused about his place in the world and as a result has him struggling to find something to write about it. I am not advocating to go around in life trying to destroy every path you or I myself set on. More so, I am saying there may never be a perfect answer that will solve all of my or your problems. Ego aside, I am sure I am not the only one which feels this way. I remember recently getting into a debate with a super hardcore 22 year old feminist. I found it funny how she tried so hard to paint this picture on me. A picture of a man trying to “bring down her self-esteem” just to make myself feel better than her. Years ago this would of worked on me but now, I have a better grasp on myself and know its not her fault for she knows not what she does. 

Most people as I have spoke on here , here, and here as well towards the end are merely reacting to the world the same way you would react to a TV show. Their opinions, fears, stresses, and worries are all stem from bad software that someone else has downloaded into their programming. So from that POV I can’t be too upset at people that try and box me or, try and box the world in, inside of this box that is easy to figure out. The title “Watching movies with the sound off” from rapper Mac Miller’s album could be the best way to describe this idea I have in my head. If you were to watch a movie with the sound off all you would see is people walking around doing things with no words or sounds. Just people living for the sake of living if you will. This is where I find myself out now in life from a philosophical  POV like I talked about here , here, and even to some extent here as well. We have created our own toys and sold it back to ourselves at a higher price without realizing and forgetting that it was us that created the product. We are the hero and the villain. The face and the heel. Batman and the Joker. The buyer and the seller. 

In closing, life is just indifferent. Once you manage to find some kind of philosophy to which has a purpose to it you’ll then find a obstacle in life which will do its best to knock you off your trail. When you do, just remember the simple quote “Time heals all wounds”. At first this quote may seem bland and have no meat to its bones but trust me (I’m a cult leader) it does. For time shows us that what was once something forbidden to deal with now seems easier to digest with years gone forward. Making 9/11 jokes seem like something to gasp and be truly shocked at if you heard someone even dare to attempt one a year or two removed after the tragic events. But now as I spoke on here, we can look back and breathe some sort of relief and find the humor in such a horrible unexplained event. Humor and time I should say are really the closes things we have in life to a perfect answer we may ever come close to actually being able to obtain. For these two things show permanent answers for temporary success and failures we deal with in life during the present. 

Enjoy the ride as Bill Hicks said. For even in success there will be the backlash of doing what others can not. For even in obtaining a “Dime piece” there will be set backs in dealing with her natural chaos that every woman brings to the table. For every failure there will be a GPS change of course to show you there is a new route that can be taken. It may be longer or it may be shorter but all in all, there is still another way. Nothing lasts forever in life. As Apple and Best Buy seem to be some of the most dominant brands around now, in the future long after we are gone, someone may take their place and then become the transition king until their reign on the throne is over. All you can do in life is to stop placing labels on everything and just accept the fact that everything is everything, and everything is also nothing. Like the lyrics/quote above from the Jay Z and Kanye West song entitled “No Church in the wild” shows what is a Mob, King, and God to a non believer? Life to a person which believes in nothing can be hell or heaven. The choice you make in deciding which one you chose is up to you. That, I believe its truly the scariest is. For if you as a person is the only original copy, what then is the purpose of believing in something higher? What can be more better than the original? 


Categories: Motivation, Writing, Zen

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