I remember a few years ago there was this interesting conversation going on between my cousin and his long time friend. It was interesting more so because I never forgot it based on this one aspect of the conversation that my cousin’s friend told. To make a long story short, someone had owed him some money and he refused to pay him on time. So, my cousin decided to get revenge not in a physical sense or even a spiritual sense, but more so psychological. Somehow he had ended up inside of this person house and decided to take one of his expensive sneakers which I think were Jordans before leaving his house. Image that. Image being that guy and not be able to find his one shoe in his whole house. I remember my cousin’s friend telling that story and laughing my ass off at how absurd it that was. My friend’s cousin even said: “Image losing one shoe. Your whole day is fucked up”.

Another odd and still funny moment is when my cousin that I had worked with a few years back had a incident in the company bathroom. I had never really seen anything like it before which helps makes this post makes sense towards the end. Anyway, I guess my cousin must of either missed a few hours of sleep prior, or, maybe had a bit too much weed and decided to forget where he was at for at least a half hour to almost 45 minutes. Meaning, I had to cover his spot on the warehouse floor while he used the bathroom and, at first nothing seem out of the normal until I realized he was in the bathroom for a very long time. So, I tried to ignore it until the standard bathroom time went past its normal limits. I at first thought it was diarrhea so I didn’t want to be rude and knock when someone is, you know, “struggling” if you will. But, eventually I had to check to make sure he was okay. Me and another worker banged on the door and got no response. I was worrying the bosses would find out and tried to question this strange behavior until 5 minutes later I see him come stumbling out of the bathroom limping, headphone dangling off one ear, eyes tired, one sneaker untied, pants barely hanging off his ass, etc. It was so off beat and random I had no choice but to laugh for a good 2 minutes straight.

The last of these random stories involves me this time and, eh. Its hard to describe this without my stomach turning a bit due to more so the imagination that I wish to not think of. Its like my brain is a older brother and I am playing the younger brother being tortured kind of like how I do to my little brother. Universe I guess paying me back in a very karma way.  In any event, a long time back my mother had to use my charger since as usual she had lost her charger and needed to borrow mine. Fair enough but, that same night she had “company” over. Married company which again adds to this post. So, naturally, the “company’ wasn’t coming over to play scramble or bake cookies late at night. Mind you this is not the first time “company” came over so I understood when he came that it was about to GO DOWN (Immature moment. Don’t mind me) Yet, this time for some reason I didn’t assume that and figure he had left for the night. Well, my phone was in the red and I needed my charger so, yeah. You can see where this is going.

Me going upstairs as brainless as the zombies from “The Walking Dead” I opened her door as if she is sleeping or knitting a Bill Cosby sweater, but SHOCKINGLY she was laying down with the TV on while her company was, well, getting a snack if you will at the bottom of the bed. Yeah, stomach turning if you image your mother. Lucky though, I aimed straight towards the charger and unplugged it as I walked out as she whispered loudly “Why didn’t you knock!” as he stared at me and her with the lights off like a Deer in headlights. I remember leaving the room thinking two things. One was the reality ripped from under me feeling I had in my stomach as if Dragonflies were tearing my insides apart as many emotions flowed through me, and the other thought was either my mother was really interested in that show that was on the TV or, her “company” must of never found out how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootise pop when he was younger. 

The reason why I bring up these three stories which on the surface seem to not connect whatsoever is because….. is because honestly, idk. No bullshit.  Which, I truly do mean and not mean at the same time in the context of this post. Even right now to give you a small insight to my writing process I usually don’t have a idea on what to write about until the 12pm mark on the day I usually drop a post in a few hours. The pressure of whether I will be able to post a blog post in time always somehow fuels me to push myself harder. Like a comedian that goes onstage with no material and tries to play the crowd like the 2014 comedy special from Todd Berry called “The Crowd Work Tour”.

Which I also feel is the best time that I myself has ever made anyone laugh is when I didn’t think about a joke but instead just let it come to me freely almost like a freestyling from the Hip Hop culture. So when I say “idk” I truly do mean that as the stories above all came from random moments of my serious life which makes me see the wisdom in Ferris Bueller’s quote from the last scene in the 80’s classic movie and how nature has a great way of reminding me and the world around me how truly random, absurd, off beat, and unpredictable life can be. 

Comedy sets like this from Patrice O’neal and the most recent one I found yesterday from Dave Chappelle  really highlights what I mean and am trying to say in the most clear light as possible with this post. Moments in which both those comedians seem as if they are bombing are probably some of the best moments from their stand up careers. Mind you if you were to do a “Best of” of both these two men those stand up moments would not crack the top 10 due to other times of their genius outweighing those perceived bad sets, but, on a much deeper level these two particular moments I linked above show a more subtle part of life that I feel we gloss over.

Those moments in which we all are trying to walk around being serious and almost robotic like until a random moment comes crashing up against our bubble shows and reminds us of how silly or even real life can make us feel from he usual plastic feeling we deal with on default mood. The awkward moments that I have had in my life now that I look back on it helped me be able to see through the bullshit I was trying to avoid as I did my best to be as stiff and perfect as I can be with every interaction, conversation, photo I took, etc. That is where the real truth of life I feel like comes into play. Those moments when we are not cool. When we are not at our best. When life throws a curve ball and now we must really show our true colors. Those moments are really the times in which you can see truth. Truth can not be labeled or sold in a box. Anybody that tells you that is lying. Truth comes in flashes and disappears again until it finds you. Its the longest game of Hide and seek that we will play forever in this and many lifetimes in the future. 

There is a quote from the 1994 movie called “Fresh” in which Samuel L. Jackson’s character is having a conversation with his son over a game of chess. I actually again just watched this movie last night and really picked up on this quote as I seen it ties in with this post, and also just my view on how I see life. A view in which I wish I had when I was younger but, at the same time I am glad I didn’t, as I was more so enjoying “The Experience” of life whether than now in which I am trying to find the Master key to unlock all doors. Anyway, that is for another time my apologies for going off the trail. The quote is this: 

Now what kinda player am I? Am I an offensive man or a defensive man?

That’s right, I’m neither. I play my opponent
If he likes to attack, I force him to defend himself
If he’s a cautious man, I draw him into dangerous waters
See, you get so frustrated playing defensive positions
You make stupid moves you would never make if you were thinking
When you come here boy, check that shit at the door
 -“Fresh” (1994) 

There is many ways to see this quote and apply it to not just chess but life as a whole. When listening to it last night after going many years without viewing this movie I started to see the gem in it. The way I interpreted it is, when dealing with people you don’t deal with them on the offensive or defense stance. That is a system that is sure to fail. Every system has its limits. But, a man like say The Joker from the 2008 movie “The Dark Knight” which has no moves or plans to cause limits on him will never fail as he can play both sides and feel his opponent out.

Like the comedian points I made up above Todd Berry went into these shows with no material and decided to let the crowd decide where the wave of his performance would go. I catch myself doing that with people now more so recently as I have grown older and seen that people show you who they truly are in the moment. One moment they may appear to display something or someone else but, alone by themselves when its just me and them alone I get a better sense of who I am dealing with. I don’t see this as a issue or even a problem. If anything I view this as nature being nature. You can’t explain random moments in life because, well, they are random moments. The best moments when you truly think about it in the big picture sense of the world.

Even as I write this out as I explained above I really don’t have a concrete plan as to how these posts will come out. Its why I post in the mid-afternoon because I am truly writing these thoughts in the moment with a 5 hour deadline. I would go a whole week without a theory or thought and end up on the last day receiving information from up above somewhere and write it out at the last moment. I try my best to find the truth and capture it in a box so I don’t have to place pressure on myself every Sunday and make it easier on me but, once I feel like I do find some kind of truth I end up still searching for something deeper. Its a scary and liberating feeling as these quotes, links, and stories, have lead me to the dark knowledge of the truth of information. We can create it to do whatever we want it to do with it. People in power I believe have this knowledge and use it to their advantage to maintain control. Whether that is right or wrong is up to us and only us. 

This is why I chose the clip above from the Jim Carrey lead performance based on the life of Andy Kaufman called “Man on the moon”. This movie, along with also the movie “I’m Still Here” staring Joaquin Phoenix have helped me in life in ways at the time I couldn’t really understand it back then when I seen these two films but, now, I can see why I enjoyed these pieces of work so much. Andy Kaufman was so eccentric and goofy and really doing “in the moment” performances in which you couldn’t tell real from fiction the same way Joaquin faked out the world with his Rap career he was trying to peruse.These two works of entertainment showed me that there really is no truth to the reality that we live. We have the power to change out perceptions any time we feel by deprogramming the bad software that has been downloaded in our brain since we were a child. A program in which our parents followed and their parents followed and their parents parents followed etc.

All my life I have been trying to find the perfect answer to solve every problem I have ever had in life. Once I think I have found it and is able to operate at a normal pace from now on, a new monkey wrench is thrown in and demolishes every wall and fortress I have tried to build and hide myself in. I try to create a prison to block out any mistakes I could encounter in the world and yet always end up again forced outside my space and left to confront a place in which I tried to hide from.  A confrontation that looking back and looking ahead I am glad I will always have to deal with. When it seems I have no more answers nature will take its course and send me on the right path. 

We all make mistakes. We all do things behind closed doors we want nobody knowing but us. We all fart, shit, piss, get drunk, have had sex with people we regret, been embarrassed publicly, made a fool of in front of family, not been the coolest person in the room, etc, etc, etc. Their seems to be no real concrete reality to stand on. Knowledge holds us back from ever trying to go out and truly living a life in which makes us feel something inside that has been lost since we were a child. Why does that feeling have to be taken from us? How can you kill a feeling?

By definition truth and lie can not exist if their is no permanent guarantee in life. What can we find? That we will all die someday? Does anybody truly knows what happens to us after we are no longer able to use our bodies? That if you have use protection on a woman she will not get pregnant? That has been proven to not always work. What else is there? Being nice to a woman gets you no pussy while being a asshole does get you some. I have seen that on both cases sometimes being nice works and other times it doesn’t. There are so many examples that would have me here needing to write a whole post just to label them all. My point is that in all honesty there is no point. Once I find what I deem to be the truth I find myself in “A Moment of Chaos” and restarting the search again. Its a reminder that its not so much about trying to “win” and end the game so you won’t “lose” but, more so, just enjoying the game for what it is. What truly is a “winner” or a “loser” if we as humans are deciding the outcome? How can we create a ending for a game we invented. If you were a parent can you image creating a death for your own child? This is the reason why the search will always outweigh the find.  


Categories: Motivation, Personal, Writing, Zen

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