It was in middle school around the morning time on Monday before the day or class would even begin before my class and section called Team Fortuna was called down to the auditorium to inform us of something. We had no idea what it was as we all joked and sat down waiting to hear what the suppose “big news” was. Some students were groggy, being loud, quiet, not caring what the news was going to be etc. The principal came to the stage and informed us to quiet down as well as the other teachers in my section. As we did, I can see something was off as he spoke. I watched and waited trying to figure it out as if I was watching the “Scream” movies from back in the day. Moments later, as I sat back ready to pretend to sleep or crack a joke just to get a cheap laugh as I have been known to do, he told us that our Teacher had died last night from a heart attack.
Gasps and confusion flowed through the auditorium as all my class mates that were laughing and joking once before were now staring at my Principal in shock as he even stood there unable to process it himself. He spoke about the details but I was listening. All I knew was that a teacher that I just spoke with last Friday was dead and gone just like that like the snap of a finger. Moments flew by as it seem to go in fast forward as we were told to go back to class. I heard and seen tears on the females ad even some of my guy friends as the popular kids huddled with each other hugging the popular Latina girl as they were crying from the shock. I seen all this in them as well as some teachers but, my emotions were elsewhere.
I was shocked that he was dead but after that I really couldn’t connect. I seen the hurt and sadness all around his homeroom as the girls and boys sat around still shocked and lost at how one of their favorite teachers were gone and never coming back to speak with them. Me though, I just wanted to get through the day and go home. A month later we planted a tree in front of the school. After we were done everybody clapped and hugged each other as I just stood there standing looking at the tree with no emotion not really giving a damn. I was in a stage of my life in which I was trying to be cool and understand growing up around kids were more money, more friends, better looks, etc. I had no time to experience life. I was trying to figure it out and beat it.
“IN REAL TIME”
Wondering if the Power Ranges were going to meet their faith by one of the villains of the week that day had me glued to the TV when I was kid back in the 90’s. Hoping my mother picked up the right Friendly’s Ice cream with chocolate sauce and nuts crammed together inside of that red and green box had me genuinely happy, and excited as I waited by the window for her to return home from Stop & Shop. Waiting for the night time to arrive caused some fear in me as I waited in my back yard for the fireflies to spring out so I can catch them inside of the glass jar for a few hours. And hating for Sunday to come as I knew after that day was done Monday would soon return and I would be back in school to restart the waiting game for Friday to come. The point for this trip down memory lane has no point. One was not needed then, and one was not needed now. Things simply just were.
I wasn’t trying to figure out why the Power Rangers were going into another season of TV and which actor in real life was sleeping with each other. I wasn’t concerned with if my mother had enough money for herself so she can have a little fun after she took care of the family. I didn’t try and be logical about how useless it was to wait for fireflies to come when I could of been doing homework and advancing my brain so I can keep up with the smart kids. And Sunday being a time to relax and chill to reflect on life before Monday came meant nada to be as anger ran through me about the fact that I had to wake up early for school the next day. Being a child meant nothing in a positive way. I was just living and enjoying the simplest of things like this Wu Tang hook from the 90’s showcases. My philosophy now at age 26 was already discovered back then without me even trying to think. But, as I got older thinking and learning became something I was forced to deal with. I was no longer in real time anymore once I got older as games like hide and seek, connect four, trouble, etc, were replaced with games of gaining friends, buying clothes, getting girls, and being popular.
“LOOKING FOR ANSWERS”
I wanted to find answers on how to figure how everybody and everything around me work because without me knowing, I had a analytical mind at a young age. I wanted to learn this game I was in as I felt deep inside me that something was now off. I felt like what was real had now been turned on its head as now game playing and always thinking 3 moves ahead was now becoming the norm. I noticed lies in my parents, friends, teachers, and even my family members all around me as nobody seem real to me. Its was as if the actors and actresses on the TV had now become the same people I talk and laugh with in my real life. I seen this and didn’t really become mad but, more so became obsessed with trying to “figure it out” as if everybody was handed a script to read in the mail but mine had gotten lost somehow.
Figuring out how life worked became my new mission without me really even knowing what exactly I was doing. I noticed that the girls I genuinely liked and wanted to talk to wouldn’t give me “that” kind of attention the same way they would a popular dude. They knew their status and judge theirs against mine as my whole life at the point had been judged and scanned within in 5 minutes and boiled down to numbers and imaginary barriers. My friends around me I once grew up with were ignored and looked down on by me as they were not “cool” enough in my eyes based off what I was taught was cool by other people, TV shows, and movies. My whole life became a hunt for knowledge as time was passing me by. I always had this small voice in my head wondering what was what and who was who. Former WWF Superstar’s Stone Cold Steve Austin’s “Don’t Trust Anyone” mantra now became my mantra as I looked at my own friends as people that can turn on me too. Claustrophobic and trapped in my own prison that I unintentionally locked myself in made me search for a key that never was. Once school was finished it only became worse. As I looked for invisible keys, others were just living life.
“ALREADY A WINNER”
“I think I spent 30 years of my life, first 30 trying to become something, I wanted to become good at things, I wanted to become good at tennis, I wanted to become good at school and grades and everything I kind of viewed in that perspective. I’m not okay the way I am, but if I got good at things. I realized I had the game wrong, because the game was to find out what I already was… (Zeitgeist movie)
Just like quote above from a unknown man had figured out, for 26 years of my life I had the game all wrong. From game to religion, science, women, government, society, philosophy, and of course this blog as well, my mission has always been to expose the flaws and inconsistencies of the systems of the world that plague our everyday lives. I was that guy in a smoking section of a party while the music is playing to talk about why this club song was made and why we enjoyed it as much. I was the one to bring up how we are living in a Matrix and being feed bullshit all around us as people tried to relax and have a drink after a tough work week. I didn’t want to pull the curtain back and show the world what was going on, I wanted to burn it to the ground with the stage as well as I pointed and yelled “SEE! LOOK ITS ALL A GAME. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?”. I now understood that deep down I didn’t do this to figure out life but, more so escape from my own villain in my life that seemed to never get beat and always return to challenge me again to see if he could win: Myself.
I already was a winner in life. The game was meant to be flawed so we as a whole can continue to figure it out as we search and reach for perfection, despite the fact that there has never been a standard or model for perfection. The game of life is never meant to be fixed by a answer or action, but more so just be a SEARCH, FOR a answer. Knowledge will always be apart of us due to our need to survival and figure out a way to navigate through this maze yet, the ending we seek will never be discovered here while we are alive, and maybe even after we are dead as no one has come back to tell us what is on the other side. All my life as I got older and older I was in search for the magic pill that will fix the “problem” that was always staring me in the face while everybody around me were unaware of what the next day will bring. We always focus on how ignorance is dangerous but, we rarely if ever try to see how ignorance at times can be good. Life is not meant to be read through a smartphone or book like kids that go to concerts to watch the LIVE EXPERIENCE of their favorite performer through a small screen. Life, like my little cousin’s and little brother’s childhood is meant to be JUST. For 26 years of my life I had the game all wrong. The game was not meant for me to win. I already was and just needed to realize it. Maybe in a weird way once you do, that is the answer and peace we seek at the end of the maze. Not success defined by others but success defined and found by YOU.
“THE EXPERIENCE / IN CLOSING”
When it comes to death like say going to a funeral, I can probably teach you the right and proper suit the wear before you go there. I can probably teach you the right books to read when you are going through grief and pain of losing a lost one. I can probably show you some people you can talk to o help you deal with the lost of a close friend or family member. I can even tell you some good music you can listen to that can help ease the pain of death. I can do all that but, what I can’t do in your life or even mine is teach you how to deal with the experience of no longer having that person you love laying in bed with you anymore. I can’t teach you how to feel when you realize that your Mother is no longer just a phone call away after passing on in life. I can’t teach you how to deal with the fact you will never hear the voice of a lost husband or wife anymore to help sooth over a long day you had at work. I can’t teach you experience.
I can probably teach you the right way how to speak to girls. I can probably teach you the right way on how to flirt and game her so she can genuinely want to sleep with you. I can even teach you how to gain a girlfriend that would truly want to be your one and only. I can do that but, what I can’t teach you is how to deal with the experience of seeing her with another man once or if you two ever break up. I can’t teach you how to deal with the experience of erasing her phone number from your cellphone if she were to ever pass on in life. I can’t teach you how to deal with the experience of your first fight, first time making love, first time dealing with something new sexual, etc. And I can’t teach you the experience of the first time you deal with the fact that she will forever stick to takeout as her cooking skills is severely lacking.
Point is, there are a lot of books for many different things in this world that can teach you step by step ways in DEALING with the experience of life but, they can never teach you on how to simply LIVE LIFE. Like the “Good Will Hunting” clip above shows, Robin Williams’s character became caught in a “Trap door” after Matt Damon’s character reduced his whole life down to a criticism of a painting he created. Robin Williams character let it sink in for a moment before he realized just how much of a child Matt Damon was. He knew nothing about his experience so why should he even take the time to listen to what Matt Damon said and vice versa. No one can rob you of truly the only thing we have in this world besides children and the body we came here with and that’s the experience of life as a whole.
My childhood and, in more simple terms me as a whole was the answer to life this whole time. Yeah, I can have a bunch of books, TV shows, facts, music, movies, etc around me when I am on my death bed ready to see what is on the other side or, to see if there is even a other side but, they could never take away the memories and experience I had while I, and you as well reading this while we were here.