I remember this one time I had a vision while I was high on some weed that my cousin had brought over to smoke with me one day. This vision was intense and ice cold at the same time, as it felt like a Gaterode tube of water had been poured on me after a finals championship win in a sports game. It was on the same nerve racking level of the real scary movies. Meaning, it was dark and had a splash of reality mix in it as if a movie like that could actually come to life one day. Movies like “The Shining”, “The Exorcist”, or “Silence of the Lambs”.
The description of this vision could be in the same vein as “Plato’s cave”, yet with a much, much more dark ending towards it. A ending that yes sees them finally escaping the cave, yet at the same time once out all that was really left was another maze for them to solve. “The Maze Runner” movie ending could be seen as providing influence on my vision as well. Difference is though, once the trilogy ends there isn’t another book to explore. Its just “is what it is”. Repeat and read the book again.
While high, I felt as if me, along with the rest of the world was in a constant Vine video loop with the same purpose and beliefs as the crabs stuck inside of the barrel pulling the one down trying to climb out just to see what else is out there. Even if once he makes it there was humans there ready to pounce and boil him alive until he was cooked to perfection ready to be eaten, and swallowed down the throats of his killer showing no difference of every other food that has been in the stomach before. My vision wasn’t even MY vision.
The conversation was dead. The crumbs from a person with no face or name would have a stack of bread held in his hands as he waited on a bench in a park. Slowly he would unwrap the bread and proceeded to crumble it up into his hands by small pieces and toss it onto the ground like thick white and brown raindrops as if GOD’s dinner table was being wiped off by him. The pieces were scattered everywhere just waiting for its created purpose to be fulfilled as minute by minute the pigeons would come down and begin to eat the food given to them.
Crumb after crumb would be swallowed up as the pigeons fought and clawed their way to fill their empty stomachs up just to quiet the small thunderstorm inside of their small tummies for a day. Eventually, the nameless person with no face or name would leave and go on about their day unknown to the rest of the birds. Or, better yet, unknown to the rest of us.
The conversation was dead. Whether it was me talking to my cousin, family, “friends”, reading comments and subs online, etc all around I had seen that the conversation was dead. Round and round in a circle that seemed to never stop. A circle that moved beyond eating, fucking, shitting, pissing, birth, and survival. A circle that who’s end game was its creation. Picture a huge and dusty pitch black warehouse that was crowded with billions of people “trapped” inside of it. Their only source of light with a TV in the middle of the room. THIS, was their only view of what the outside world looked like. THIS, was where the conversation started as well as ended. The truth and the lie were one in the same from a commercial level perspective.
Plato’s cave was still in full effect in modern times as anything that was not from the “warehouse” was foreign and damn near devil talk as Christianity ‘s stronghold on the world from back in the day. Seeking an escape is like asking a dog what he feels about death. He has no understanding on words unless they are commands and orders. He is just there because all that is to him is JUST THERE. Nobody knows what is outside the warehouse, and furthermore, nobody thinks, cares, or is even aware there is anything outside of the warehouse expect death. Which leaves the person trying to wake up in a room full of bodies sleeping to follow right along with the rest. The conversation, was dead.
“WHERE IS THIS GOING?”
Influenced by the weed I just sat there and slowly started to zone out as if everything around me started to fade out and become background noise as my cousin kept talking. I started to find myself almost in Neo’s spot towards the end of the first Matrix movie as it stopped the bullets by just using his hand and touched one of them. Or better yet, when Professor Xavier uses his powers to freeze everyone around him except for a couple mutants like in the museum scene from the 2nd X-men movie. I heard him talk about life, his relationship, bills, women, people around him, etc and all I can do its wonder to myself as I stood there in a freeze like state: “Where is this going?”.
Like a warehouse employee having a smoke break talking about new gloves he was going to purchase for work with such investment and enthusiasm. Or like a husband and wife arguing about bills and how they were going to save money for their kids collage fund. Or a group of women talking about Bruce Jenner’s recent “trans-formation” with a deep lazor like focus discussing the topic as if it was such a life changing event that was deemed THAT important to speak on.
I found myself using words for the sake of using words. I found myself laughing just to laugh when it was needed. I pushed the conversation forward and backwards as I added facts and and emotions. I was on the outside looking in on myself like being a puppet master with my mind and body on a string as I played the role of K-PAX. If not from here, then everywhere and everyone to me was having the same conversation about life as if reading from the same script. The unknown person was no name or face tosses bread crumbs on the ground and we as the pigeons come flocking towards it to gobble it up. No awareness or of a understanding to seek awareness to try and go beyond what is given to us as mere table scraps. In a ironic way, the flaws in this prison like situation was the true definition of a beautiful perfection.
“DESTROYING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL”
The dark truth of the matter was that “perfection” it seems was all around me as I came to the conclusion that everybody was in on the game. From the Hollywood stars down to the McDonald’s employee ready and waiting to escape the 9-5 grind to to the club on Saturday to chase what he or she is conditioned to chase, and hopes the results pay off in achieving and finding happiness as if it was a lost puppy or kitten. Like finding out about the backstage politics of wrestling and realizing that both the good and bad guys were on the same team as Vince McMahon played the role of GOD and Triple H as the subject of Jesus.
It was all one in the same at a level of perfection flaws and all. Everything in its right place like the title of the Radiohead song from their “Kid A” album. Realizing the walls around me and the world as a whole would never be broken could drive a man or woman to want to take a sledgehammer to the concrete for no reason at all other than to JUST do it.
The extremes in which a skateboarder goes just to land a trick that can either kill him or his balls makes sense now. The limits a woman is willing to go just to chase of feeling of being alive by either cheating or drinking herself stupid makes sense now. Watching my own people argue and fight to prove who is the “hardest out here in these streets” makes sense now. Chaos for the sake of chaos for that moment of time kills the “perfection” around us and allows us a chase to let that animal inside of us leak out and live.
Dipping our toes in the pool of death as we balance ourselves with one foot near the slippery edge is the game we play to feel SOMETHING. This is the game I find myself now trying to reach beyond just for the sake of JUST PLAYING though. I don’t want to find the “correct” way of life and sale a dream to be sold and commercialized. I want to become the number PIE and influence others to realize they are in a maze and hope they seek out their own path. I felt like destroying something beautiful that night with my family years ago as he talked about the “script” of life. It was perfectly in its rightful place and it left me feeling trapped. The path towards nowhere is one I wish to take now and hopes I never reach the end. If I do, what happens after “the end”?
“IN CLOSING / THE SPECTATORS”
(Video will stop at the 39:49 mark don’t worry)
In closing like I have talked about with my first post as well as here, here, and even to some extent here as well, my point or, better yet a point that I have reached in life is one that goes beyond just focusing on myself and what I can gain from it. The message I am trying to send is always one of helping both men and women. Yes my posts from a outside perspective look as if I am out to bash women but that is very far from the truth. My reason for focusing on woman was one due to becoming aware of my condition, and also because women were IT. They were the one thing in life that we as men would sacrifice our time and life for just because we were raised to believe that was the “right” thing to do. My goal is to help men escape this thought and focus on themselves. By doing this, the worry about attracting or losing attraction from women will no longer be a issue. She seeks the qualities that a leader possesses.
She seeks perfection in men and society so she herself can be free to be as crazy and wild as she wants to without judgment. She wants a man as a amusement park. so she herself can play all day and night until she tires herself out and curls up in the bed shutting down like a little girl that finally crashed out from a sugar high. She is no longer mysterious. She is no longer something to “figure out”. She is no longer the end all be all. She herself can now be placed on the shelf and used to your advantage when you see fit in a positive manner. As a man seeking Mastery in life her wild ways will JUST be that. Merely wild ways that need no further time and attention to it unless you as man WANT TO.
The message therefor shifts to not one of focusing on the maze that not only women but the majority of men find themselves in, but now more so one of seeking a path with no end in sight. A path that only YOU as a person can reach. A path that in simple terms means to merely just live and define yourself. Don’t wait for someone to give you options on other ways of thinking like the ones you have been given that leaves you a trained, obedient, safe, and harmless robot like a beaten Circus animal taken from its natural habitat.
Find yourself in life early and much quicker before you lay awake on your death bed fighting for one more chance to do….what? Now start living? How do you NOW start living when your body is made of glass, your brain is melting playdoh, and your dick no longer could bob its head even with the help of the hardest 90’s Dr. Dre beat with Snoop dogg’s or Eminem’s vocals on it. Don’t wait for regret. Do everything you can to avoid that word and the trap doors around you. You are your own leader. Do not wake for one to give direction towards YOUR life. What then is your reason for being here if you are just going to follow the same foot steps and ending as the people here before you, as well as the ones here when you are dead and forgotten unless brought up in passing through conversations that start out like: “Oh yeah. I remember him”. Once they, as well as family and friends are gone though, who will bring you up then? Be what is not expected and already seen. Seek what can not be reached by others yet seen through your vision. Let the zombies be the zombies. Do not follow them
This, is the message.