Trying to find the right words to express myself has always been a issue when writing this blog, or, trying to exercise my brain to express with any creative outlet I can find that can be used to express myself. Its a uphill battle I face trying to reach upwards and aim for the sky as my thoughts fall trapped inside a locked box that at one time I had the combo for but, every time I leave it to go and do some mundane work I end up losing it and have to start all over again. I feel myself shrinking and becoming smaller and smaller while everyone else around me gets bigger and moves on to better things. Its a struggle I deal with daily to say and do the right things while at the same time gasping for breathe hoping for a sign that I am still human. Still a person that has some type of feelings inside of it. I feel myself clawing and fighting to spill some type of real blood out of me instead of just saying and doing the right things 24/7. Its like I am at odds with a robot that is trying to consume and erase my past self so it can become advanced and enlightenment about issues, worries, problems, and the everyday chaos that the world deals with each and every hour, day, year, decade, etc. The problem with all that though is, quite frankly as I get older, I am really, really starting to not give a fuck.
“Your just plain dumb, foolish, ignorant, and lack the understanding needed in order to help the world grow”. Grow into what? You see, that is the instant reaction you will get from people when you say something to that extent. People just think your clueless and aloof and have no meaning or value to this world and should just be cast away like a animal or something more barbaric. They want you far away from them as possible because they think your brain is a year away from becoming a toxic waste dump that had a chance but surely was disregarded. Me expressing what I expressed in that first paragraph would have people look down on me as it would seem like I have just given up on life and had no business being the sperm that shot out of my father penis and floated towards the egg to win the race. If younger, I can already see myself trying to hide in my shell away from the criticisms after shedding my honest feelings about a particular subject that involved something past the inner beat that lies in all of us but, once again, I find myself really and truly not giving a flying horses ass about none of it.
The bottom line is, I rather not do a god damn thing at this point in my life and quite frankly, that is one of the most honest things I have said in while. I would rather just sit around and watch some bullshit movies on Netflix while wearing underwear from 2009 despite the fact its fucking 2015. NO Netflix, I don’t want to play the movie from the beginning or stop. I want to continue watching a whole season of a show in 5 hours because I’m THAT GUY with enough time to waste more minutes than Porn companies that make movies longer than 5 minutes. Some days, I just want to rent a car, find out where my ex-girlfriend lives at, pray to god her ugly ass baby isn’t around, and proceed to run her over repeatedly with the car back and fourth like a horizontal version of the Cha Cha slide with a Nicki Minaj bumper sticker of her ass on the back of the car while “Back that azz up” plays on the radio on a 10 minute loop from my iPod. When I was younger, one my friends dog had bit my thumb harshly and left me with a bruise that lasted months. What did I do? Nothing but held back tears and stared at the dog as he was petted and sent in the house. Now in the future, I wish I would of snatched that lil tan devil by its neck and duct tape it to the side of the house while I proceed to beat the dog snot out of it with razor bladfed gloves. If it had died, I would of kidnap Bill Murray and called on the Ghostbusters, snatch the soul of that Taco Bell bitch, place it back inside the dog, and continue to show it my deep seated love for the P24 FIFA game while wearing some 90’s (Stereotypical for my skin color) Timberland mountain boots.
The point of that mini psychopathic rant is this: Why? Why cant I be that honest and truly say how I feel without being seen as “Dumb” or “Stupid”. Who says I HAVE to go and chase the American Dream? Do people even understand what they are saying or doing? Are we suppose to just go through this world living out someone else’s dreams like trained robots instead of JUST LIVING and doing whatever you please, as well as, saying whatever you please? Why did Donald Sternling have to lose his team for something he FELT and said in HIS OWN house? Why? Why was it wrong for Don Imus to call that female basketball team nappy headed hoes? Maybe he just felt that them broads were a bunch of nappy headed hoes. Yes sweetheart, you caught me staring at your ass when you was walking down the street. YOU KNOW damn well that was your point of wearing that outfit. You just want CERTAIN MEN looking at your ass poked out with a mini thong flashing inside of your skin tight yoga pants. Well excuse the flying monkey dick out of me. I had no idea your stripper outfit wasn’t suppose to attract my wallet and penis. MY BAD. And no, I don’t care about what happen with Trayvon Martin and Mike Brown. Two black kids shot and killed by white people without a reasonable reason? WHAT A SHOCKER. I guess Google search must down. When it gets back up, take a look at how they used to use us as human pinatas and have dogs attack us while a water hose was blasted in our faces. This shit is nothing new. People are gong to march, scream, care, cry, and pout for a couple months then, simply keep it moving until the next food for squirrels comes along and have them ragging mad. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you REALLY thought about 9/11, the Boston bombing, Sandy Hook, etc. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Look, I understand that if everyone had that same mindset we would of never survived and have been wiped out long ago but, the point I am trying to make is, is to simply have a honest opinion period. It doesn’t have to make sense just as long as your being honest within yourself about how you feel. No, I am not advocating that I am about to dress up in a Uncle Sam mask while wearing all black and begin to rape and a fuck a bitch in the ass while she wears a american flag T-shirt on her no. I am simply saying this new world that we are heading towards is completely killing the freedom of thought and words and expects you to play by certain rules instead of exploring just how deep the rabbit hole goes. It wants us in this constant loop instead of breaking free and saying and doing as we please. Hell, by me saying this I am taking a risk in even posting this on my blog but you know what, in this moment, this is just whats on my mind. Hell, when I do start making some money from here I wont lie, more than likely, I am going to just spend your money on some bullshit that honestly could of been used for something else with more substance. I might buy a iPad then get bored with it later. I might buy a hat from a Sports team I don’t even like JUST because it matches with a certain outfit. Hell, I might pay off my Comcast bill just to watch more constant fuckery on TV because if I were to send a bomb towards that company due to their outrageous and down right applauding prices, I would end up in jail for doing the RIGHT thing.
Having a alternative view on how to look at the world seems to be lost. Its seems as if we are getting closer and closer to a world like the movie “The Giver”. Problem is, there will be no color in our world. Black and white would remain and no one will be able to express how they feel. Even if it makes no sense, again, so what. That animal has to come out and play sometimes. The lyrics “I hurt myself today to see if I still feel” from Johnny Cash now make more sense today than they did many years back when I first heard it and thought he was weird or out of his mind for not loving life. It wasn’t about him not loving life I believe. I just think he wanted to feel something I guess. Anything. Sometimes you just have to let that alternative out and do something that is not the same. You just have to bring that beast from the cage that the world every year is forcing you to keep locked away and slowly inch by inch clipping another piece of its balls off until they are no more. Who are we living tfor in the end? For us or a system that will not care if we drop dead today due to there being someone ready to take our place and keep the lights on in this pale blue dot.
TLDR: Live your own truth after you find out how this world works. Let that inner voice be a guide and motivation to keep you on a path when everyone wants you to confirm to a ideology that deep down they are not even 100% supportive of. Why are you here is not important. Who you are here for I believe is something we should be reaching towards that is a lot more important than we realize.