“Cold and sometimes I think heartless”
This is one of many descriptions about myself that I have heard from several different people in my family. I have heard this also from women I have dated in the past and present. They say, at times, I can come off as a emotional detached robot with ice water polar bear chill blood running through my body in the middle of a ice storm more cold than the “dead bedroom” reddit . My eyes almost space cadet like as I take people’s feelings the same way I use furniture or treat children. My mind, as they say is only focused on one person, and that person is myself. Even at work, my cousin says he just laughs at the way I treat others around me. Some people get upset and cause arguments if they feel slighted but me, as he says, I just walk right through people and simply ignore them. I give them the “cold shoulder” and don’t even give them the time of day to respond with emotions nor words. If I don’t want to listen to them, I just walk away and continue my work. He says he always gets a kick out of that when watching me. All in all, it seems that has been the same record I have been hearing about me lately. Cold blooded son of a bitch.
To them I’ll say, I agree. At times, it can seem like I am caught up in my own world with me as the star and everybody else as mere co-stars or extras. I can seem as if I take people’s opinions as secondary and at worse not even worth a rank. I don’t do this in a overt manner that can cause a fight or to purposely make others feel bad but, I do this due to the fact that I truly feel like I am able to see things in a more objective light and not place much emotion into it as most due numerous times in certain situations. Whether its family, women, “friends”, co-workers, etc I can see that a lot of emotion is placed into what they do. They have a emotional attachment to their work, conversations, items, beliefs, etc. Even slighted in the wrong way they can become very argumentative and angry at any anyone trying to challenge them. I see this and have learn early in life how to turn this type of behavior on and off. Meaning, as I pointed out in this post a while back, I know how to work people and blend in with the crowd (sometimes). I can become “just like them” in order to hide and get things done correctly. I say this not from a sense of ego or thinking I am the smartest person in the room, but, more so I really see no point in placing all my eggs in one basket like I use to do before early in my life.
Women, items, feelings, etc. These things had a deep, deep connection with me that I loved and now that I look back on it with a more mature view, hated at the same time. I was leased to these things and they owned me. I was their bitch and dependent on these things to keep me happy. Risky of course since all of the things I mention can break and leave you hanging at any given moment I would be so in rage if my controller for my Playstation would break and I would need a new one. Money was not something that just came to me and my family. We were not broke per say but, money was tight. Mostly due to my mother’s Casio habits but, overall things weren’t as bad as others have it. Nowhere close. I grew up spoiled and that would be something that caused me much pain further in life as I expected things to be handed to me, and also, grew attachment to items as well as very possessive of them. Any time one of these things would be taken away from me I would be crushed and feel like a piece of me would be gone. Materialistic to the T I guess. I am still like this in a way but, more so from a sense of understanding the value of a dollar and hard work. Silly as this sounds, I had the mentally of a suburban rich white girl up until high school. Once there, I started to see how much money I had compared to other kids and seen that I would need more to compete. Those were the beginning stages of my road towards understanding hard work without me even knowing.
Apologies for making myself the complete focus for this long in this post but, my main objective I am trying to speak on is simply having the will and strength when it comes to now being the one holding the leash when it comes to emotions. Yes, yes I am cold and heartless. I wear that now with a sense of pride yet never to the point I make it seem like I am being a character. I have this understanding internalized like a lock in belief system that can not be shaken. I used to hate being seen this way. I wanted to be liked so bad by everyone. I wanted to be the guy that everyone says “Yeah, he is real cool. I like hanging with him”. I wanted to be “that guy” for once in my life. I would do anything to make people happy. Doormat for hire I was. Now, being more aware and sharping my social skills as far as reading people, I now see how much BS that causes in one life to try and be everyone’s friend. Fuck that. I see people get hurt and played countless times when they want to please everyone and become a tool to be used. Some chalk it up to GOD, “that’s just how I am. Its in my soul”, “I was raised different”, etc. Whatever the case it ends up leaving them fucked over in the end. Period. I feel like I have two people with me at all times. One person is watching others, and the other person is watching me while I keep my ears and eyes just as open as well. I am in the moment but at the same time not in the moment. I don’t trust a soul yet not make it seem like I am paranoid. Its more of a default safe that ironically has helped me gained more respect that I ever could of imagined.
Placing attachment in anything in life will leave you fucked over in the end. I am not saying be a robot and walk around like nothing can ever harm you no. That is impossible to do. You will get mad and sad in this life. There is never going to be a 100% way to avoid this. People you know will die and pain to your body will happen. You can not avoid that as if you were in a video game. Plus, even if I could I would not want to be a emotionless person. What is the point if you can feel shit? Life would be a waste. You have to be able to let some pressure out of your body. I am sure even monks have their moments of slight anger. They just know how to shut it off quicker than most. What I am saying is you have to be more aware and understand why you are getting mad, who you are getting mad at, and at what point in your life two months, 6 months, 10 years, etc is this going to matter to you? Placing everything you have into a person, place, or thing will shatter you in the end. You have to be able to look at the situation from a business like perspective. Those people that drop their body and soul into a particular project or person, from a blunt observation, are foolish. They are the ones if you are involved with them will drown you down to a deep ocean where creatures of the unknown and ships go to be buried. Screw that noise. Sink or swim is the motto no matter if you are black or not.
Anything can be cancelled if it is not offering you with its correct service and you took the proper precautions before dealing with it. You are the star of your own movie. How in the hell is a outside source besides CERTAIN family members going to tell you how to feel, live, and act as if you are a puppet on a long string? Fuck that. And no silly, I am not saying you should go around and do whatever you like because you felt like doing it. You can’t run over your ex with a car because it will feel good while you drive back and fourth all over their body. Reaaaaal good. Real DAMN good actually. No, what I am saying is YOU are who comes first. No outside element is going to completely fill you up. Liquor, drugs, sex, food, music, etc are momentarily and have no long lasting staying power. Its why people always chase that same high. Its always going to be a marathon that never stops until you realize its YOU that is the one cheering, running, and organizing the event. Nobody is watching you but YOU. Deadly deep emotional attachment to people and items while trying to prove your worth to them will leave you walking in circles in the same woods the “Blair Witch Project” movie was film. You know, the movie that wasn’t real remember.
The bitch can be anything in life. If it is not acting right, cancel and buy another one. Let the “captains” go down with their boats while you live to see another day. Who is your master? You or them?