There are some nights that I end staring up at the ceiling thinking about something that scares me more than any horror movie can ever do. A thought that, leaves me wondering if I can actually have a chance at beating this fear away from my mind and soul. I wonder sometimes if this thought is not so much something that can be beat and, actually end up being the reality I am running away from. Running as fast as I can away from it hoping that one day I can lose it in the fog and dust. Yet, as much and as hard as I run away from it, this thought is still there chasing me. Still behind me no matter how many obstacles I pass to get away from it more. I fear that, one day it will catch up to me and lock a hold to the point that I embrace it as my destiny. This thought that I am running away from is not death. I know that towards the end of this journey that will be what is not only waiting for me, but everybody running at my side in this long road of life. No, the thought that I feel chasing me is something that I see everywhere I look. From people I don’t know to people I do know. This thought and fear has had me shook and question “Whats the point” when it comes to getting out of the bed. This thought and fear is simply, regular. Meaning, am I just another crab in a bucket? Am I the fan forever doomed to watch instead of being out there playing?. Was I born to be just…. mediocre?
I have seen people go through much worse pain than I can ever imagine. I have seen and heard about people having to cry themselves to sleep to the point their pillow sheets need a change. They cry at thoughts and past pains that forever haunt them no matter how hard they try and run away from it. I have seen people curse at GOD for taking something or worse someone away from them. That pain in their eyes and voices shows someone that is actually going through true pain. True pain that makes mine seem like a bread crumb in comparison. I can never feel what they feel unless when it comes to death of a family member that I am real close with. What they experience though, is something much more deadly and painful. Past experiences of being raped, abused, molested, bullied, etc. Humiliation of not only going through that but, having others know about it, and the people that caused the pain to never have to face up to their actions of what they did. It just happen and that was it. No good guy victory music or speeches. No cheers for saving the day. No bad guys either dead or in jail. It just, happen.
I bring this up because I know the feeling, fear, and thoughts that I am going through are worthless in the end. I know that what I actually shiver about are goals that in the end wont matter to no one. I am just there for everyone to feel a void and escape from their life. A empty, dark, painful, chaotic, and just plain and simple darkness that is hard to get away from once you get older and understand the true ending to not only yours but every life on this earth I understand all this yet, I still fear. I still run. I still worry that my life all this time has been for nothing. I see people around me becoming comfortable in just what is expected of them. I see people happy with just getting a place to live, something to eat, a girlfriend or boyfriend to have, a baby, etc. What is expected of us is all there is it seems. The other side of that coin is people on the TV and internet. They seem to have it all yet still go through problems as well. They deal with failures at a much more higher level. If they mess up the world is there to laugh and point. I only had the people around me to criticize. They, have the world. They are just seen as walking ATMs to some of their family and friends. Some of their family and friends treat them as strangers and stay away from them due to their own problems and insecurities. The bond they once shared with that person is now gone due to green pieces of paper with dead people on it.
Where is the ending? Where is the end of all of this for me? One side you lose and the other side that is suppose to be the fun, rich, lavish, and overall just simply perceived happy life has a much more cold and shallow victory to it. This fear gets worse and runs faster towards me as I keep going and going. Was I born just to be a shoulder to cry on? A object just to make some people at top more money? A object that is there just to give someone else pleasure? Whether its by humiliation, power, money, distraction, laughter, etc? Is what I am seeking just bullshit to keep me going as a human machine for the benefit of those at the top, and those that haven’t been born yet? Once I reach a certain point in life, I as a man and overall human just become invisible. Sooner or later, I will be the old person that just either “doesn’t get it” anymore when it comes to the kids, or, simply “in the way” when it comes to the mid 20’s to 30 something people that are chasing the same dragon I once was and not realize they will be in my same spot sooner or later.
The conversations I hear now from people sound like background noise. I hear nothing but people just looking for someone to listen to them. Someone just to let them vent all of their vomit out somewhere without being judged or given “Just be happy in the moment” bullshit. I see balloons. Colorful on the outside but overall empty on the inside full of hot air. They don’t have the answer either it seems. They are just running with me looking for the finish line, but at the same time not because they know their name in stone is what is really waiting at the end. Along with grass, dirt, and memories from family and friends that will fade away once they move on with their life or simply die along with them.
Running and running I continue on I guess. Running to find a meaning that was never there to begin with. I am just suppose to walk this earth and exit without anything to leave behind. All of my worries, stress, pain, victories, accomplishments, etc only matter if someone was there to see them and give approval that they were/are real. If no one was ever around will it be worse due to me not knowing what is right or wrong? Or, better because I wouldn’t know what is right or wrong? I think at times as much as I complain about the bullshit in my life, as least there is something there to feel. Something that brings colors to this never ending darkness. No matter how much emptiness is inside of the balloon, at least there is something to look at.