The face twisting, taste bud invading, smile increasing, momentarily memory erasing last small drops of liquid manipulation of the pink matter at the bottom of my berry Ciroc bottle, slowly twirled around in its clear see through jail cell as I sat at the kitchen table with eyes of a Vampire, and enthusiasm of the brain dead youth. Clearly, I was gone as my body was on a boat, while my mind floated in space fading with each passing minute and moment towards the darkness once accompanied by the souls of now AA members, and “that girl” at the club last night. The feeling was needed and welcomed as I leaned back in a chair with my eyes resembling a space cadet as I watched the crumbling white cracked ceiling above me making a slow pace towards the end result of each living organism on this small blue planet. The sound of the chair creaking as I bobbed back and fourth like a fat person taking his or her time enjoying their favorite Sade track became my movement of choice for the next 10 minutes. The joker smile and laugh of a annoying kid trying too hard to gain attention took over the room, before I manage to rise from my comfortable wooden grave and zombie walk towards the pillows and warm covers as I fought the urge to turn my mouth into a water slide for the colorful crayola box of vomit.
The quick witted dialogue of “Californication” became background noise on my laptop before my eyes won the battle and caused me to fade into a world favorited by a man with claws for a hand, and a sweater made for Christmas gatherings with the family while watching the old but timeless classics of “Charlie Brown”. Like most dreams I ended up in random places that would never connect with each other in real life. Places once seen in reality now bunched together in my mini movie theater of constant child like vibes of stories that ran rampant until I came to a final scene. A final scene in which I really can’t explain. My hand could only do but so much as I found myself hanging off a cliff fighting for dear life to hold on. Like dead weight in a relationship or marriage, the struggle to keep things a float was increasing each second as time seem to sped up in the dream world. I tried with all my might but simply couldn’t maintain my body mass. Foods of poison but sweet like a river of chocolate ice cream mixed with nuts, vanilla, and whip cream jolted a rage inside of me as the many bad choices of choosing them over a apple or grapes had finally caught up. Dirty fingernails became worse as the cliff I held onto became stuffed with more dirt before I simply fell. Fell fast feeling as if I was on a roller coaster ride from hell deep within the banned part of Hades that not even the Devil himself would visit. Death was approaching me in a dream that felt real. Yet, in all honesty it felt…. good.
The dream that felt like 4 hours only lasted for one as I woke up in covered in sweat feeling shocked, nervous, and damn near scared . The complete opposite feeling I just had seconds ago in a dream that felt real. In that moment of awaking I felt the need to fight back from going to a place that may not even be a place at all when it came to death. I could of just ended as a person that would completely shut off and go blank as if my batteries were drained out from energy. Which would be a better result for me than to actually be conscience of being dead and gone and watching the world around me like the movie “Enter The Void”. This nervous and hard to shake feeling of letting the fall just be while dreaming hasn’t been embraced since I was child. That feeling of just letting go and loving the moment. A feeling of dare I say, happiness. Being free without any worry or doubt about what the future may hold. Living in the present was a feeling I hadn’t felt in quite some time. Maybe the last time before that dream was that of a woman. Girl then and, better yet the concept of HER. The concept of what she could be and not really the reality of her. Youth, when looking back at my life and seeing others during my increasing age, you really start to see how lucky and unlucky the kids are. They are not trying to place their ideas and character into a well placed box. They are just being themselves without trying to cause harm or even good. They just are. My childhood is blurry but any time I watch a old TV show, hear a certain song, going to a certain place, watch a old video on Youtube, etc. I get that feeling racing back in my body of what it felt like back then. Its as if no matter how old I get, that nostigla vibe will forever remain trapped within me. I can hear the yelling of my inner child but never again be able to bring him out for a long time without being seen as a immature little boy that hasn’t grown up enough to wear his big boy pants.
Yet, when you really look deep within the world around us or, more so, the system around us, its not hard to see that even when older in age, this feeling of wanting to “fall in” is all around us when we consume the entertaining factors in the world. TV, music, internet, drugs, electronics, food, drama, movies, etc. All of these things in life rock us to sleep because that is how it is designed now. Sure, maybe way back when these forms of entertainment had a genuine purpose, but now its not hard to see that it lacks it true meaning towards greatness of the mind and body. Even great shows like “Breaking Bad” and “The Wire”, as good as they are just rock you to sleep mentally as you fall right in within the black hole of no thought. I believe this is the deep purpose of the system of the world and also life as a whole in the end. People want to just live and have fun before they check out, yet, that too like every form of life turns into a pattern of prison. In the video above that I used here from my first post ever, I get the feeling that Agent Smith is telling Neo “Why? Why fight back? Why not just be brain dead for the rest of your life? You as a human can’t win alone. Nor, can you win as a group big enough that will topple the system that was build before you were even born”. Let go of hope and fall into the world already build for you. It makes you think also did Neo make the right choice from the beginning of the movie? Should he have taken the blue pill over the red pill? How about you knowing what you know now about the world if you were in The Matrix? Not everyone would of ended up being Neo. You might be just a regular dude that is now trapped with nasty food and surrounded by the threat of Octopus like machines forever. Being dumb and ignorant to the world with the blue pill sounds more pleasing. Learning about women and life as a whole in recent years makes me wish I never tried to search for a answer as to explain what I was doing wrong. I want to fall again like in my dream and never stop.
Because its easier. Its easier to just let go and let the world decide for you what to do with your mind and body. Its easier to just let the world let you know what path to take with your life. How many of us are really going to be able to live out our dreams that we dreamt about when younger. Sure, some people wanted to be Firemen, Police officers, Doctors, etc. More power to them but, I am talking about the unrealistic dreams. Dreams of being a famous writer, painter, Rapper, Singer, Rockstar, etc. I say unrealistic because, for most of us only a hand few make it to the top of the mountain. Sure, you can still make it and make a living off it but, who really tries to become a entertainer or artist overall just to be average at it. Its the cool thing to say “I just love it no matter what”: but, in my opinion, I believe we all want to be at the top of our fields. But as I said, how many of us would really reach that top and actually be able to make a living that will feed us and our family? That is why letting life decide for you what is right and wrong is much easier. Its much easier to just fall in and never have to think again. Its why Religion is as popular as it is. It gives us a meaning when deep down there may be no meaning expect the one you as a person choose. Its much more relaxing to just go with the flow and shut your brain down for a couple of hours. What else is there right? You wake up, go to a job you can’t stand, come home, eat, talk with your man or woman, then sleep and wait for it to begin again. Boring but hey, at least you made money that can feed you and your family right? Isn’t that what matters at the end of the day? Being able to provide shelter and food at the end of the night. It comes back to just survival in the end. Great but boring. Its why we become leeches to the internet, drugs, alcohol, etc. Its a way to escape a life that offers nothing in return but a pat on the back and green pieces of paper for being a good worker bee.
Apologies if it seems like I am rambling but, my overall message is addressing how much better it is to let life decide for you what is the proper way to approach it. And that, I believe is the greatest test for us as humans. To fight that urge to just let our brains be leashed and guided around for 60 years until we retire, and die slow towards a grave that will become abandon once the rest of your family and friends die with you. You then, along with me will vanish into oblivion and never be thought of again. The video above featuring actor George Clooney and Sandra Bullock lays this test out perfect. In it, George Clooney’s character is telling Sandra’s Bullock’s character to just go ahead. Let it go and don’t try. Why bother right? To give some quick info if you haven’t scene the movie “Gravity”, these two astronauts are both stranded in space after a hail of derby destroyed their way of transportation. There seems to be no hope for her and him to survive. They are deep within space where no one can hear you scream. Corny but, very true. He tells her as they are both trapped floating towards a black hole of nothingness to just give in. “I get it” he says. Its much more eaiser to let life take its course and beat you down. You are not going to win. You will one day die and never be remembered again. You will not be that “God” like figure to free the world of the system and change it forever. Hell, there are some people that will be garbage men for the rest of their life and never make a impact in this world. It all means nothing in the end. Why bother trying to fight just, let go and die already. Why wait when you can just check out now. Just, fall right in and never try to grab anything that can stop you from crashing.
That test right there is one the world wants you to fail at. Its much more easier if you just go with the flow and be a good worker bee for the system of those that really control the world. But in reality, its not about fighting back, falling in, trying to find a answer, be ignorant, etc. Its about none of those things. Its about the journey alone. That is it. Negative and positive situations happen ye but, even those are still systems of the mind that have been conditioned in us as humans. Trying to make the most money, get as many women as you can, buy as many items as your hands can touch, looking for peace, etc will eventually become patterns if you invest too much time in it. Trying to latch on and look for peace or, seek out money will become your prison sooner or later if that is all you focus on. The videos above are all right. From the James Blake song to the last video from the movie “Gravity”. It is about falling in. Falling in to just letting the world move is the point but also not the point. You can’t win. You can’t beat the game of the world no matter what you do. And that is okay. That is how its suppose to be. We weren’t mean to find a answer. Its already been here. We are at this point because we needed to survive. In that survival though, we created a prison within ourselves that has no meaning to it. There is no meaning to it in my opinion. Its just simply about the ride as Bill Hicks would say. I have posted that quote a lot but, now I truly understand what the legendary comedian meant more so than ever. Stop looking for a answer and just start living. Nothing will make you avoid death. That is the point. There never as and never will. Living for the sake of living is true freedom. Because what happens when you catch that so called goal or find that meaning? Now what? Just find another one right? Okay, then what after that?