I could probably pretend. 


I could probably pretend to like you for you despite the fact you don’t have the type of body I desire. I could probably pretend to not be afraid to hold your hand in public, even though you are not the kind of woman that falls into “my type” category. Your sweet, kind, warm, and at times funny personality should be enough to look pass your flaws. So what you don’t have a well shaped ass, cute face, or even cute feet. I am not Eddie Murphy. I am sure I can look pass that and not try and fling you out of my life like a Boomerang. I could have the balls to “Man up” and let my family see who you are. I shouldn’t be ashamed to be around them with you on my arm kissing all over me as my older cousins look on with a expression as if they are trying to figure out how to solve a rubik’s cube.  Your strong and independent spirit is more sexy right? So what you as a person doesn’t always turn me on sexually. No matter how many drinks and excuses to puff on the green dragon I need just to get worked up enough to let my Beer goggles guide me towards your vagina. I shouldn’t need all that. Who you are as a person is more important and sexy. The shallow nature of my male self should be ashamed for even taking the time to always focus on the surface level of a person. As you always say, I should be lucky to have a woman like you in my life that does everything except make my penis resemble rap fans at a concert by throwing there hands in the air. Its not just about sex. I could pretend you are not what I want and just focus on a future. Being a good mother is more important than sex. Sex is not all that matters, you are right. But when you do give me some and dress in those clothes to try and turn me on, your inner beauty should be the focus. I could pretend you are someone else because is just sex. I could pretend. 





The simple fact of the matter is, I am not going to fucking pretend. I am not going to pretend that when your younger, and more fit cousin comes around that I am not secretly wishing for the bathroom to be vacant sooner during family events, so I can go in there and let my hand and penis come together with more impact than Ray Rice in a slap boxing contest. I am not going to pretend that, if it was legal, I would pounce on your more sexier sister in a dark alley and show her why I became a LA Lakers fan in 2005. The tears of her pain and mine from the sheer happiness of fucking something that doesn’t fill like a human waterbed will make the anal assault more smoother to deal with like 90’s R&B. I am not going to act like every time you try and throw on some fucking sexy clothes, my penis looks like its choking to death with a lifeless body and leaning over more worse than a black man hiding the fact he is eating some fried chicken inside of his car as some white people pass him. Fuck the bullshit. I have certain shit that I like. Why on earth should I be subjected to letting life just control the flow and do as it pleases. No. I am a grown ass man with hair on my balls, arms, back, and both of my god damn nipples.

I am not going to be in a situation again, like the time I went to school not realizing I wore see through windbreaker like pants my mother had brought me in 6th grade. Imagine my fucking surprise when I went up in front of the class and everybody knew red and white colored draws with triangles on them were in my collection. I am not going to be subjected to having to be forced to give away my dog I had since I was a young lad, back when I had not realized I could make happy faces come to life more quickly by playing push ups with my little penis. The reason being, we lived next to our landlords and they didn’t like dogs around. EVEN THOUGH, just a couple months later, this fat jelly roll having, ugh mug looking, crooked teeth, donkey would only fuck in the ass, Shrek before there was a Shrek looking short bitch of a landlord had a dog running around in their backyard. I came crashing into the bathroom as my mother was taking a bath and told her about this. She had a “shocked” look on her face but, looking back at it now, I realized that not only was something really fucking wrong with me for being that comfortable to barge in on my mother to see her squeaky clean a area no boy should EVER have to see, but also realizing that she was lying and knew about their dog before I did. She was Lying dead to my face without a care in the world 


Basically, I am not going to be forced in a situation just to make someone else happy if I don’t have to. I control my own damn life. If pretending that I am about to split Rihanna’s lips apart in a good way as if my last name was Brown just to act like we are on good terms, fuck that. There is this show on MTV called “Catfish” and, to summarize real quickly, it is basically about a show in which two white guys go around exposing people for using fake profiles on the internet just to get attention from the opposite sex. These people always lock onto someone that falls for them and needs help to see if the person on the other end of the screen is real or not. The end result, more likely than not always ends in the person looking like a human grizzly bear wildebeest of a animal. And no, before you say the show is fake let me just inform you this does happen because it has happen to me.

I thought I was in a relationship with a sexy ass Puertorican chick that lives in Miami but, come to find out this bitch looked like something that could of been a guest monster on the god damn Scooby Doo show. I was hurt then and, looking back on it now I find it funny and also enlightening. These people know they are not attractive. They know they would never get attention like more pretty people can without trying. So what is the best plan? Just be someone else. What that says to me is, if they could be granted a couple of  wishes in life, one of the wishes would be to become beautiful. Because deep down they know nobodys penis or vagina wants to have to deal with a product that requires excessive amounts of pills, weed, and liquor just to fuck. Why should those people on the other end of this lie have their hearts and heads played with just because you got the shortened of the stick when it comes to life. It is not their fault your father fucked the lost cast member from the Adams Family, or vice versa your mother fell in love with the same  black man that was seen in the “Captain Philips” Tom Hanks movie, who had yellow teeth sticking out so bad it looked like Chinese people trying to escape Godzilla.  

My cousin was telling me this story about a chick that had came to his job. She was friends with another female that works there and, by his eyes this woman was bad as fuck. (In black people’s terms, that means she was very pretty and easy on the eyes to look at) Anyway, she was cute and had a body that would make a Canniable reconsider to much on. She, that night had came into the job drunk as fuck. I mean, wasted drunk. Drunk to the point that she would of caused someone to end up on a “Don’t drink and drive and end up killing someone like my son was killed” type of commercial from the way she was slurring her words and staggering around. But yet, my cousin maintained that despite all that, she was still looking good enough to fuck. No problem and obvious right but, then something happen. This broad had apparently passed out and was damn near dead on the floor as he said. While her friend was looking on screaming “Oh my god” like Becky from the Sir-Mix-Alot video once she understood what “Anaconda” meant from the rapper after she seen interracial porn for the first time, my cousin and another male there was helping her up to the bathroom and, as my cousin was telling this story to me he paused and started laughing. Laughing in a way that was more hysterical than disgusted. He said that, as he was helping this drunken bitch up from the floor, she began to SHIT on herself. 

And no, I don’t mean in a “Ha ha she is so drunk and shitty” NO. I mean, LITERALLY SHIT on herself. My cousin said shit was on all his hands as he helped her to the bathroom to puke up that mess. My cousin was still laughing at this now in a more “Aww, that is too cute” kind of way. I just shook my head and laughed as I listened. Then, after he was done I asked him “So, even though she did all that, would you still fuck her?”. Again, I remind you she was drop dead gorgeous apparently. This was not the same looking type of broad from the video up above. He paused for a split second at first I think because he was about to lie, but then, his soul was fighting with him and he just confessed that “Yes. Yeah I would still fuck her still”. Now, you can chalked that up to him low standards or not getting enough pussy from his wife or, blah blah blah blah blah. The fact of the matter is we men are fucking animals. ALL OF US. Just because that one guy that gets no pussy is sweet, and kind doesn’t mean that if you give him a chance at ALL and ANY KIND of pussy HE LIKES that he wouldn’t jump at the chance to get it. There is and shouldn’t be nothing wrong that. Just like the drunk girl knows there is nothing wrong with that happening because deep down, she knows that there will be someone there to fuck her. Why, because she is cute and men have dicks. 

Beautiful people have a easier time in life because that is just how we are as a society. We folks love beauty in all forms from TV, cars, clothes, art, shoes, etc. What makes you any different? Nobody gives a fuck about the creator of a hottest car out today. They only care about how it looks NOW. Just like no man cares about personality when it comes to women. We can’t see and aim our GPS engraved in our penis at a personality when it comes to first glance of seeing or meeting a female. And look, I am not saying I am Mr. Drop dead handsome because I am not. I have had women look at me and wonder why I am staring at them as if I had a chance to climb Pink Pussy mountain. They walk pass me like Ferguson police when they are on iTunes and go pass the rap section.  But at the same time I shouldn’t have to be forced to do something that is against my nature as a man just like it wouldn’t be right to force a woman to be with a man with no dick, game, money, and pussy eating skills that would have Jeffrey Dahmer rolling in his grave laughing. What this means is, if you are like me and other people with regular looks, you are just going to have to do more strange shit than the next.

If you are a ugly women, sucking your man’s cock from the back while you play “Mrs. check for Prostate cancer” with his hidden secret spot only tissue paper is allowed to see then, you had better toughen up and be prepared to have some soap and shotgun on hand to shoot your pride and ego once it tries to rear his head back up. If you have to suck his cum out, hold it in your mouth, walk towards the kitchen, place it in a ice tray, and then hours later take it out to use as a chiller in your drink when you two have dinner together as he watches you, you had better learn how to babysit “kids” using your mouth a couple times so you don’t mess up the sexual perverted act when its showtime. Someone has to suck the dirty dick after he used your ass like a hidden Michael Jackson video  featuring some boys dressed up as the little rascals that has never seen the day of light yet.You have to work with what you got if you want a man that is attractive to what your looks can’t afford to stay around. Someone has to climb that stripper pole and twirl around like the missing belt from Robin Williams’s collection. Why not it be you. Because, your looks alone are not going to get the job done.

Same with man in a way. If you want a chick that looks like something you kill a couple of “kids” with using just some alone time, lotion, and a old worn out sock that at this point could be used as a back scratcher then, you had better develop some type of game whiling working on your body and  fashion style. Its not as hard for us as it is women because, a ugly bitch is a ugly bitch. Yet, there will be someone desperate enough to fuck her still just because she has a pussy. A women’s pussy could smell like a fish market during the summer with a broken AC, mixed with a never used “Little Mermaid 4” movie locked inside of  a Disney studio on top of shelf collecting up dust as it sat next to the lost movie called “Finding Nemo 2”, and some man will STILL want to take the bitch to bed. But for a man its much different yet still the same. Unless we are a Porn star, we can’t get pussy off just having a dick. And even then if we did it would still be hard (Pun intended!). No game, looks, style, money, etc will do nothing but have us going through life with only lotion, water, and that shameful time you and your female cousin were experimenting when younger being the only wet things that have ever touched your dick in your life.  

I am sure in real life that woman above in the video is a sweet person and more than likely has a husband that loves her dearly. If so, great for her. But lets stop making this the only way for us to view woman. I would say the same for women but, women are different somewhat because they view us more as a idea than a actual person. That is how we are wired and that is how they are wired. Nature is nature and we can’t help that. No, we are not still in caveman days but, god dammit that doesn’t mean that the caveman still isn’t in there wanting to come out and say how it really feels. Since not many men can, I would be the scapegoat and say it. No, no I will not pretend to want you on top of my dick if I don’t want to. I, and many other men if they had a chance would admit that they love sexy and cute looking women. Women do as well once their lifestyle continues to grow. You don’t see celebrity females with ugly men on the red carpet do you? Maybe in the privacy of their home and the man, if he gets down like that wants to earn his “red wings”  then maybe they want mind but, overall, in front of the world they want young boytoys that have dick, body, and looks too. Beauty is everywhere and worshipped by all. Its just the way the cookie crumbles.



So again no. I will not pretend sweetheart. Now get your fat ass off me and disappear quicker than Dane Cook’s career, and Carlos Mencia having the song “No Idea is original” by Nas in his iTunes library. Don’t force your cock in something you don’t want just because the world wants you to focus on JUST her personality only. Screw that noise



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