Its amazing. Sometimes I find myself in these weird and quite odd situations in which me as not only a man but, a overall human in general is called into question. Like this past Saturday in which I was sitting down eating some dinner, and watching a very mature, adult, and serious minded show on my laptop. That show of course involved a little boy chopping up another boy’s parents into little pieces and feeding it to him without him even knowing. The show, was of course “South Park”. As I watching the show I heard something outside. At first I thought it was my next door neighbors again. They always love to fight in public. He threatens to kill his girlfriend and throw her down a flight of steps at least twice a month. This clearly was a lie because, ever since her shoved her down the the steps 2 months ago when I was peeking inside their home late at night, she is still alive and is no longer running out the house screaming “Help is going to KILL ME”. I remember that night. It was when I managed to work on my headphones and fix the volume problems. I turned it up and never heard another peep out of her again that night. Anyway, it wasn’t them this time. It was a old lady outside screaming for help. She, was being attacked by a little dog as she must of fell and hurt herself. In this moment I had two choices, one, was to get up, pause my very sensible, and reasonable show for all age groups in “South Park”, go out there, and help this old lady from danger. The 2nd, was to look back at my laptop and wait for the next episode to load up. It was clear what the right thing was to do. Anybody with a stable mind would see the choice was very easy in this matter so, I got up, grabbed my shoes, and raced towards the door to help this person.
As I got closer to the door though, the dog I thought was cute and little was nowhere near the same as I got much closer towards outside. I watched from the blinds as the dog looked more like Cojo than that little dog from the former Taco Bell commercials. As I stood there at the window for maybe a good 1, 2, 4, 5 minutes tops, before she caught my eye and pleaded for help. The look in her eyes reminded me of mine the first time I opened my mothers drawer, and found her small red dildo buried under my baby pictures, and Walmart jewelry my father stole from her years ago. Problem was I had no idea that it was a dildo until I touched it for too long an brought it closer to my face. Licking the chocolate from the bowl of cake mix would never be the same again. Her face could also be compared to the first time I watch a porn movie with my girlfriend, and she seen the other options that were out there for her. Fast forward in that relationship and, besides telling me she “Couldn’t go out with someone anymore that looked like he could wear a bigger bra size than her”, my dick started to look like a baby sail with depression that was suffering from a Napoleon complex after watching “Honey I shrunk the kids”, because it knew it could never be that big in real life. Bottom line was, this old lady was scared out of her damn mind. So, I did the only logical thing at that point and, I grabbed the string attached to the blinds,and closed them very, very slowly. As I did this I heard several words coming out of her mouth from “Fuck you”, “Pussy”, and “You fat black belly shaking without moving bastard”. That last one may of been me thinking about myself but, who knows.
Eventually, someone must of came and helped her because when I glanced back outside she was no longer there. Yet, a little bit of blood was seen on the pavement. As I close the blinds again I started to eat and watch some more “South Park” and heard a buzz. It was a weird buzz than a normal fly would. I ignore it at first until the buzz started to become more harder to ignore. Like a white kid shopping for a Cop costume in Ferguson Missouri during Halloween. I shifted my head and turn to see a Bee and, at that moment in my life, being a grown adult man with hair on my balls and even both of my nipples, I made a noise from my throat that, in all honesty could rival any small white girl from the 90’s with the last names of Brown and Kerrigan. The Bee was buzzing around the lamp yet it felt like I was about to be in a sequel of “Eight Legged Freaks” in 3D. I jumped up and moved away from the bed. Or, if I am being honest, I slipped and tripped over my foot a bit and hit the ground quicker than white cops using a black kids back like pony play in BDSM. I stood at that door an debated on what to do. From a outsiders perspective it may seem like my dick had took a trip back towards my mothers womb and I decided to replace it with a pocket pussy until it decided to get back but, in all honestly I wasn’t as scared as I looked. Yes, my enthusiasm and intensity in my eyes could match that of a child molester, during trick or treating time when they get to see kids dressed up as their favorite comic book heroes from their childhood, but overall my fear wasn’t that bad due to already being here before. This wasn’t my first time facing a Bee and it wouldn’t be my last. Yet I do remember the times in which things felt a lot worse fear wise.
Like this one time I seen a Bee land on my little cousin while we were outside at a family gathering. I seen it land on his back and, I did the best thing I could do for him at that time to make him feel more at ease and not scared as I told him what happen. I basically told him to stay right there and don’t move as I ran away as far and as fast away from him as I can to go and get some help. This of course caused this little kid to scream loud and chase after me as her cried for help. I kick some little sticks in back of me to slow him down as my age and leg length out did him eventually. Was this wrong? Of course it was but, at that time the fucks I could give out of my pocket was more empty than the clients of Jordan Belfort and Sarah Jessica Parker’s condom box. Another time is when I was working with my cousin. I was waiting outside in the van as he ran into the store to pick up some sodas and food for us. I was chilling with the window down and seen this very sexy and slim rican cutie. We caught eyes and I started to throw on my smooth 90’s R&B facade as I played it cool saying “what’s up”. She was making her way towards me and I stared to get my game plan ready. As she approached I was about to say something slick until I see one of the biggest, scariest, and heart stopping dragon flies I ever seen. My reaction could only be compared to white people once they found out black people were free once slavery was abolished. I lean back and started to kick and scream as loud as I can. As I did this I forgot the door was open and kicked it open so fast I almost knocked the poor girl out with the swinging door. Clearly, from the inner back thoughts deep in my brain, her pussy was than likely more ironically dry than the swimming trucks of Andrea Yates oldest child that would never be used again. The chances of me ending up on the Maury show due to my skin color and from that slim cutie was completely destroyed at that point. She walked away with a smile bigger on her face than the prostitute I lost my virginity to once I asked her “So, what do you like to do for fun” as she brushed her teeth to wipe my cum out of her mouth.
To sum it up, I was a lot more better at handling my fear than I used to be. I am not even going to talk about how I dressed up in a black hoodie, sweatpants, gloves, and held onto one of my Jordan shoes as I was sitting on the steps wondering how I was going to kill a cricket that had entered inside the house. Had Trayvon Martian had my same fear he might of been living today. Anyway, I waited for the right time and I killed the Bee. This was the 2nd time I did this and faced my fear. The first time I was sweating bullets as I killed a thick black hornet that had landed in the house when I was younger. The sound it made as it hit the floor was a loud plop. I felt a sense of not only relief but happiness as I did this. I never thought I would ever in my life face my fears and kill the bug. As I looked at it tremble and almost beg for helped I felt sorry for it like I use to do with white girls while I watched Interracial Porn for the first time. As I seen the bug crawling for help, I did the only humane thing I could do and, proceeding, to stomp the dog shit out of that bug. The sound of my fat foot hitting the floor was so loud that if you were my neighbor, you would of thought me, The Nutty Professor, and Fat Albert were playing jump rope while listening to the 90’s classic “Jump around” causing the house to REALLY be in pain. The bug was scraped and gone after doing my best to crip walk all over it. I felt proud of myself and flushed the rest of the body inside of the toilet. That was the first time and, the most recent this weekend felt even better.
The reason for writing this post besides to express myself, and increase my pussy rate times a thousand because, we all know women just LOVE a man that shows his fears by not being afraid to run away from dangerous situations, is because I wanted to talk about me and facing my fears. I was inspired also by the newest Eminem song that was releases last this Sunday entitled “Guts over Fear” featuring Sia. The Eminem of this era is still not only a powerhouse sales wise but, also content wise in my opinion. The Eminem of this modern day is back to be very aware and introspective. Especially with lyrics like:
Sometimes I feel like all I eva do is Find different ways towards the same ol’ song
But sometimes you gotta take a loss
And have people rub it in your face before you get made pissed off
And keep pluggin’, it’s your only outlet
And your only outfit so you know they gonna talk about it
Better find a way to counter it quick and make it, ah
Feel like I’ve already said this a kabillion eighty times
How many times can I say the same thing different ways that rhyme?
But what am I gonna do when the rage is gone?
And the lights go out in the trailer park?
And the window that was closing and there’s nowhere else I can go with flows in
And I’m frozen cause there’s no more emotion for me to pull from
Just a bunch of playful songs that I made for fun
So to the break of dawn here I go recycling the same old song
These lyrics show that Em is aware of how he is received by the public these days. But at the same time he knows no other way to express himself, or at this point find a new outlet and drive to work with. The most touching part about the song is the bridge that goes:
Feels like a close, it’s coming to
Fuck am I gonna do?
It’s too late to start over
This is the only thing I, thing I know
I seen these lyrics and hook and see where Eminem is coming from as I always do when it comes to being a Stan of his work. Eminem knows nothing else but rap and himself. This art form has helped him more than therapy probably could of. But now he is at a place in his life in which he doesn’t have anymore emotion to pull from. He has said everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING content wise as far as when it comes to his life. He feels he has no more inspiration to draw from expect this. Can he fix this? Of course but, he is so deep in his art work that when it does try to edge out to different territory, his “fans” claim he is selling out and not being true to himself. Or, better yet they want Eminem to stay in the past and remain what THEY claim him to be. He is trapped no matter what he does and knows this. His best bet then is to just accept this, but at the same time edge his way more and more away from his past while still pleasing his core base. His latest album “The Marshall Mathers LP 2” took on this concept as he reflected on his past with brand new eyes and sought to move on from it. The commercial for the album makes a lot more sense now as I look back at it. Also, the last verse of another one of his classic songs called “Bad Guy” on the same album addressees this before the album begins. I look at this and the lyrics of this song and became influenced to write about myself. Shocking I know.
But what I mean is, coming to terms with who I am and accepting my flaws a lot more. I would of never wrote about this AND shared it to the world for everybody to see comment on. I am becoming more older and comfortable with myself, and with that, I see me becoming more aware of who I am as a person and understanding that I could also help and motivate people. This is who I am but also it will not define me. I will not let this be my only paragraph in my story once it is over, but at the same time it is apart of my story and I can’t escape that. By me telling these stories hopefully I can inspire you, or your kids so they will NEVER, be as scared as I was back then. Stories like these are what cause little boys to want to do ballet instead of Football, or cause little girls to look at Barbie with a , “curious” gaze because Ken doesn’t look as strong as he once did. I am not a role model and very far from it but, if it can help a couple people by laughing at my pain and also motivate them to face their fears, then cool. I don’t mind that. Be afraid but don’t let it consume you and define you forever.