Funny

MY SUICIDE LETTER

If you are reading this right now, you are either a family member, neighbor, or a local police officer. In either way, I am sure you have a lot of questions on your mind as to what you are seeing in front of you and, I understand completely. I understand that right now at this moment, more than likely you maybe have a shocked and confused look on your face. Especially if you are a family member and know how much I loved life and was looking forward to the future. If you are a neighbor that lived next door, you maybe have a “I knew it” look on your face because, many nights you heard me next door straining and moaning as it sounded like I was doing my best impression of the Kool-aid moan at low volume, while tiny multiple female voices played in the back ground. And, if you are a cop, you, while you head back to the station are going to have the biggest laugh of the year with this case as you write down what you have just seen. Basically, as you and everybody else reading this letter are going to wonder is, why on earth is this young young man or, better yet why was this young found buck naked with his hand around his penis, laying dead next to a dozen pictures of a stained and glossy looking 18 year female’s photos. Well, sit back for a brief because I have a answer. First off, fuck my whore of a girlfriend.  

If you are reading this now whore, I hope after my cousin finishes wiping his devil white juice from your mouth that, you are sitting there with your face more red and mad than whites back in the day, when they found out black people were allowed to be free and treated as equals. Abraham Lincoln getting left on a penny that is now completely irrelevant in this modem day is no coincidence. I hope when you found out that my penis cream of wheat was left several times all over your youngest sisters photographs that, you became in such a rage, you just had to jump on another one of my family members dick just to fuck the frustration out of your trash can outside of an abortion clinic type of pussy. Yeah, I know about every thing you did you dirty little overrated slut in training. I seen the messages you left on your phone. And no, not because I was snooping, it was because my laptop was being used by my younger cousin in the living room at the moment so, I decided to use your phone to find some more of my favorite “Adult” scenes to watch just for their Oscar worthy, but only emmy deserved acting. If that was too much over your head like the many nights I struggled to talk to you about “Breaking Bad’s” morality play, because you was defending Jesse too much and wondering if his dick tasted like  actual blue meth, it means I jacked off using your cell phone bitch. No, your cell phone wasn’t working “better” that day when it….comes to the sliding effect. It was because that was the leftover secret sauce from inside my penis you stupid uneducated super whore. How about you and Wonder Woman when you reach the youthful and  tender age of 40 and single, head down to the bar and see just how invisible you two bitches are without the use of that dumbass invisible jet. Whore girl and Whore woman to the rescue. Dun dun dun DUN!!!  

There was many ways I thought about getting you back but, I couldn’t afford it. Yeah, get one more laugh at my expense woman. You think I enjoyed fighting off your younger brother that day for the newspaper over trying to save some coupons? You know how embarrassing it was to shop at Family Dollar, and tell the cashier “Hold on, I have a coupon for that”. I don’t think you understand what a hard day’s work actually looks like due to your stuck up family being rich. You don’t know what its like to walk pass a homeless man and argue with him for 10 minutes because he just needed 5 dollars to buy him a sandwich for the day. I had the money but shit, his burnt hot dog water smelling ass had feet that could of walked his “Walking Dead” looking wardrobe ass to find application. You didn’t understand what its like to be nervous around dinner time with your family. Not because I had to defer to you to pay for my side of the bill no, because that was a damn hornet flying near my window. I was about to look like a god damn jackass running over you and your family if that little yellow jacket stinger having bastard landed near my food. I wouldn’t of been surprised if your father would of asked me “When you two fuck, which one of you wears the strap-on? Its okay honey, you can be honest with me” if some shit like that would of happened. No, I needed to do something cheaper. Something cheap like that time I took my right foot and kicked the blue donkey horse shit out of your cat. Yeah, that’s right. I kicked the shit out of your stupid ass cat. I never liked him. BIG SURPRISE HUH?  He doesn’t walk funny because he fell down some steps that day while you were downstairs flirting with my cousin at the family picnic (Yeah, see that too bitch) he does that because I was doing my best job mocking the World Cup on his punk ass. Fuck him and your goldfishes.  

The best way I could get you back that didn’t cost a penny, accept the ones used to print out a couple pictures from Kinkos on YOUR credit card, was to show you just how MUCH I loved your younger sister. That’s right. I was looking that day she bend over to pick up her cellphone that I offered to help fix for free. That’s what happens when you are pretty and look like a walking poster, that would be on my Penis’s wall if it was human and not yet  arrested for a sexual assault. She was hot. I loved the nights you were “tired” or “didn’t feel in the mood” for having sex with me when I WANTED IT. I loved those moments because, I got to spend many, many nights looking at your sister’s photos on Facebook. The look I wished you could of seen on my face as my hand abused my penis more times than a Michael Jackson sleepover could of ever accomplished. The look on my face could be described as a mix between disturbing, odd, and downright confused and sad like being over 25 and black at a  Demi Lovato concert, and looking around for soccer moms to point you out while they hid their 14 year old daughters. So yeah, as you are reading this right now, I jerked off until I died over your sisters photographs. I would have done it to yours, but looking at a car crash is only entertaining for a brief moment before you have to shake your head as a human and drive way the fuck away, hoping nothing like that ever happens to you. Too bad though, it did. You remember that one time I told you I never came so much in my life? WRONG. My rubber was more dry than Andre Johnson. When was the last time you turned me and did something I liked? Remember those days? You think I always wanted to go deep woods diving inside of your Blair Witch Project sequel of a bush every time to get you off? No. Hell no. I thought I was about to need a GPS sooner or later dealing with your bug infested and died tree having forest.  

I am gone from this world and I hope you and my cousin have fun trying to fuck while my memory stays in your head longer than the time I finished inside you for the first time we had sex. I didn’t mind that you rubbed my head and said “It was okay”, but bitch you could of went to the bathroom and made that phone call to your friend. You didn’t have to talk about my performance while I was laying right next you. Heartless and retired prostitute of a monster cunt. And to my cousin, I have no issues with you man. You were just doing your thing as a man. I would of done the same thing. But, at the same time since I am dead now and more than likely staring at a angel’s ass, or one of Hitler’s cum dumps from his “most popular man on the planet earth days”, let me admit something to you FAM. I did throw that football at the back of my nephew’s head. You damn right. Your little punk ass kid wouldn’t the shut the hell up while I was watching him for you FOR FREE that day. So I grabbed the football, and went Michael Vick on the back of his head and took a large bite out of his brain cells. Yeah I lied to your face about it that day too and accused him of being a liar. He needed a spanking anyway it was about time.   

I am gone from this world now. Fuck you all. And oh, in case you were wondering why I didn’t mention anything about friends when it came to the first sentence in this wonderful and uplifting letter, its because half of you stereotypical black bastards still owe me money. I haven’t forgot that day one of your asses was hungry and wanted to eat some Chinese food with the rest of us. 10 dollars is a lot of money to me and I waited 8 years for that shit. Yeah that’s right you heard me 8 years. I don’t give a damn if it would of went on for 20 years. You cheap sons of bitches. To semi-quote Dave Chappelle, “I should of never gave you niggas money”. I am gone from this world and wont miss anyone of your asses. No, I hated listening to rap music all day when I chilled with y’all. EXCUSE ME and my need for bumping some Radiohead, Coldplay, James Blake, and Warpaint every once and awhile. Or, excuse me: “White people music yo” as you loved to call it. Sometimes even black people could get jiggy with other genres of music. That’s right I said jiggy. I don’t give a damn what year it is and how irrelevant The Fresh Prince is in music. Fuck you and see your asses in hell. Whoever is reading this now and finds my body, make sure you let my girlfriend find the lipstick I brought her that’s near my letter too. She’ll remember it. Its the one she used to kiss my cousin that night I seen her. Then, after you do that, tell that bitch to wipe the cum off her face, put it on, and proceed to kiss my fat ass.  

 

*Fictional story inspired by Robin Williams and his movie “World’s Greatest Dad*….  

 

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS…

 

 

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Categories: Funny, Stories, Writing

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