I robbed another man today….
My heart was pumping as I felt another smooth wet bead of sweat slide down the right side of my face like the Titanic sinking and crashing down on the front of my white T-shirt shirt. My eyes were wide and locked in yet twitching slightly. You would think I had taken more than just weed and alcohol in my system as my pupils were focused on my target. Hands gripped the wheel shaking a bit as the hold became worse and worse. I broke away my stare and glanced down at my hands for a moment while I started to debate on whether I can do this again. I thought about if this was morally right and what would be my consequences if I got caught this time. What would happen if the person fought back and this time either killed or beat me up. My eyes were now stuck on my hands as many thoughts ran through my head at a rapid pace. Sweat dripped more and more as the low radio played in the background sounded more clear and crisp than ever. I heard every word as if the song was in slow motion. Its amazing how the senses become increased in certain situations. I needed to focus though so, I reached down and turn the knob all the way down so I can hear nothing but me and my own thoughts.
The crickets were loud and every car that was passing by looked like a cop car. All of them no matter what model it was. Every car that slowed and pulled in their driveway just made me more paranoid than usual. Maybe the amount of weed I smoked this time was a bit too much. I was aware but, I was also too deep in my head. Trapped even as it felt like I was falling more and more quicker and quicker, like Don Draper in the opening scene of the “Mad Men” show. I lifted my head up and waited some more until the lights went out. Kind of like my brain many, many years ago when life was more fun and care free. Life was one big party for me I will admit. My only concern was trying to figure out what kind of food or bitch I was going to eat this day. My only problems were my cell phone bill and getting upset at my bosses for busting my ass making me stay overtime without pay. Life for me wasn’t as bad as it seemed. It was actually more fun and more free than I ever thought of before until now as I sat in this car shaking damn near in tears at what I have become.
As I continue to think back I look down at my cell phone and picked it up from the front seat. I looked down at the screen to check the time. “2 hours left before she starts to worry why I am not home yet” I say to myself. She thinks I am out there busting my ass working hard at a job that I hate. She is right to a certain extent. I look in my phone and glosses over a couple of pictures from our past. We were so much happy back then. Back when all we had to care about was fucking and what movie we were going to see that week. We were a boring yet a still fun couple because we weren’t too aware. We were just having fun and had the world at our feet. Those were good times. I stop looking for a moment and glanced at the house on my right side. The lights are now out. My heartbeat becomes worse. I feel like I am about to have a heart attack it seems but, I calm myself and looked back down at my phone.
As I started to look back at the pictures the years started to show. Her facial expression became more different each year. These were the years in which I had lost several jobs yet she still stood by me. She gave more support and back rubs at night as I would ignore her concerns and not focus on my issues with dealing with authority. “She didn’t understand” I would say to myself as I went out with my friend and smoked more weed. I would stay out all night and complain about other people messing up my life. “If I was single” was my favorite sentence starter. Having a friend around that was as fucked up, or, if not more fucked up seem to make me feel better. We had knew each other for awhile since my other job in which I was fired for being late and mouthing off at the boss. He remained but, he was one of the worst employees there. He has always been one of those types that seem life was only going to get worse for him each year. I felt more happy around this. Misery loves company. But yes thinking back I I felt in my bones that if I was alone I would be able to focus more. Yeah, right. As I came across more pics her smile was no longer there. Now it was more of a half smile. A content smile. These are the years in which she was moving up in her company and getting more praise then usual. She in my eyes became different and distance. She had more work obviously but, fuck her still.
It was her fault and that is all that mattered. She should of been there for me when I needed her. She should of been there for me when I needed help to find a job. She should of been there when I needed to borrow her car so I can hang out with my friend and think of a new quick scheme to make some money. But she wasn’t. She was out chasing her dreams and thinking about the future for us and our kid. Yes, our kid. We were having one but, it didn’t feel like it. When she got the news she was semi-happy it seems. She looked at me and smiled for a brief moment before I gave her a hug. I was so happy as a man to grant me and her this precious joy. I squeeze her tight but, I felt nothing back. Maybe it could of been shock but, looking back at the picture of her holding the pregnancy stick, I can see it in her eyes that she had no foresight in seeing a future with me. I get to the latest pictures and see her more happy and smiling. Or, at least when it came to this pic. My friend had just won the lotto that day and we were celebrating at hooters his favorite place. In the photo, her and him seemed happy together. They seem almost more in sync than me and her have been in years. Very, in sync. It was odd and almost too typical. Just because he now had money she seemed to listen to what he had to say more and somewhat gloss over at my ideas to invest the money in something. This reminded me of the years I seen the true side of my mother when I didn’t have a job and was living with her. It wasn’t about “love” anymore to me. Now I had to find a job and help support her. She treated me as if I was a stranger at times, yet with my older cousins showed a completely fake side that I would hate and shake my head at. Yes, my girl at that moment was acting the same that day as I looked at more pics in my phone. She and him seem to become more close. Disrespectfully close. I had thought maybe I was just seeing things that night since we all had been a little drunk. Or, more so me and him since she couldn’t drink… For awhile.
I passed it off at first but, I soon started to worry more and more. Her believing I had a job made it easier to snoop and watch her movements. As I did this one day my heart sank in my stomach. I seen her and him together late at night spending time with one another in my fucking house. Tears shedded down my face as I banged my fists and head in the steering wheel while I screamed and held myself back from driving over a bridge or into a tree. My world was shattered and destroyed at that moment. My flashback gets interrupted as I get a call from her. I pick it up and talked to her for a few minutes and pretended to be out of breath from working hard. I told her good night and to think of me before saying I loved her and hung up. Seconds later, I closed my phone and sat in thought. Back to the past and, she had to leave her job because of pregnancy pains she was having. We had to rush her into labor way before her due date at the hospital. Hours later she ended up losing the baby from stress and complications. Things would never be the same after that. She ended up losing her job and we became in a do or die situation . She wanted to ask my friend for some money to get us by for the month but, I refused. I was a man and could handle it. She of course at this point stopped seeking my authority and opinion and did it anyway. She didn’t see me as a man anymore and, to be honest neither did I. I hated myself that day but, nothing could be worse than what I was about to do now. I looked up from my phone and stared at my girlfriend’s car in his driveway.
I placed my phone away and reached down to grab my gun from laying on the floor of the passenger seat. I check to make sure it was loaded before closing it back and looking over at my friend house. I was down on my luck and she was looking at me along with her family to take charge and be a fucking man. I had managed to get us by, by stealing and robbing a couple of people at night. I was risking my life for this bitch and this is how she repays me. My friend was now a enemy but, I can’t even be mad at him since I imagined he ex back then in a couple of positions in my head without thinking of the boundaries of our friendship. Karma is a bitch it seems. Funny, I was a good kid back in my day but, I never thought I would be at this point in my life now. I never thought I would be here sitting in front of my friends driveway about to rob him for everything he has but, I was. I had no choice not because I couldn’t get a better job but, because when I was younger I played around too much. I thought time would last forever in my 20’s. I thought I was bulletproof and nothing could stop me from achieving my dreams. Yeah, dreams. Dreams I would think about everyday and imagine but never do to make reality. Day dreaming is addicting and makes time slow down. It was easier to think than to do. Problem is I have been day dreaming all my life, which has lead me to a reality that was given to me by the world. You don’t want to make your own way? Fine. The world will gladly give you a option that will have you more closer to the bums and lowlifes of the world. Enjoy your choice and don’t complain. You did this to your fucking self because you believed time belong to you and would never run out. Surprise surprise huh? I let more time go by until it became 3am. I looked at my friends house and opened the door.
I robbed another man today. Time waits for no man.