Personal

THE GRASS

The grass used to be my friend. 

 

I remember being a young kid and playing in the grass. I would run through the grass all day in my shoes as the dirt and pavement would collide as one. I would fall down on my knees in the grass as I caught my breath before getting back up to my feet to run around some more. So many games would be played on the grass. From, hide and go seek, freeze tag, wrestling, red light green light, etc. I would be the equivalent of a drug addict as I would stay outside all day playing through the grass all night until the sun would rest and collapse into its bed. The dirt, light blood stains, sweat, killed bugs, white ash from the pavement, and smell of musk would stain my body and clothes as I hide behind trees and laughed while I played with my friends all though the neighborhood. Knocking on someone else door before quickly running away through the grass was always a blast. Sitting down and trying to catch frogs and caterpillars would always excite me as I stared at them through a glass jar watching them eat and crawl around small patches of grass inside their temporary home, before sending them off in the grass to hop away or fly above it. The grass would leave me jumping and hitting myself repeatedly as I felt bugs crawling on my brown skin from trying to relax and enjoy staring up at the blue sky. The grass would feel my feet as I waited for the bus nervously when moving to a new place and had no idea who I wanted to be this day or even hour. The grass would be invaded my steel as I would run through the jungle gym outside the school during recess. It would be there as I once grabbed a handful of leaves and dumped them onto my crush, to let her know I liked her without being too desperate. My shoes would get glared at as I seen my brand new white NIKES stained from the green grass during my first days of school. Sometimes it seemed the grass was against me then with me as I became older and life was starting to take shape pass cartoons and catching fireflies. I would lose money and specific items in the grass after laying down and chilling with friends talking about the future, life, parents, and listening to music. I would lose fights with teachers after dragging two kids around the school lawn for 2 minutes tops after being harassed by them. I would lose in the grass sometimes by running way too fast and bust my ass in the dirt from playing football. I would lose cool points in the grass as I ran away from the older kids as they wanted to pick me up and let my body get sprayed in the face by the opened fire hydrant. I even once would lose to the grass as I watched one of my friends get beat up by another new friend without attempting to help him. His blood and pride would leak on the grass and ant hills as I just shrugged and followed the perceived cool kids away from the once former friend. The grass and me have had moments that were up and down, but now the grass would be there as I grew up and began to dealt with life on a much more abstract level. 

It would be there as I smoked my first piece of weed through a Sprite Remix sliver can, and then later walk outside from my friend house through his lawn. I would take my shoes off and feel the difference in the grass when high as I would laugh and joke about shit that wasn’t even funny. I would have my friends standing on the grass taking a piss around the corner against the concrete as I watched pretty girls pass by in barely there clothing during the summer. Small shorts, tight shirts, long hair, glasses, latest phone, and not a single dime to their name. I would watch my friend run across the grass towards them, as I stayed there shouting out lame attempts at jokes to hide from the fact that I didn’t have the balls myself to do it. I would watch the transition from girls having cuties to girls having booty as fight after fight would be played out from friends to family on the grass. I would stand there in shock as my cousin would cuss my girl out without remorse, which would then cause her to run outside in the grass and cry herself to anger. I would see my mother in tears as we got forced to live with my aunt for awhile. She would cry in her arms about bills in the driveway before walking towards the backyard to talk in private about my father and her future decision to leave him. I would see drug deals being made in front of me on the now dirty and dried grass as I watch ironically fresh grass being traded for green pieces of paper. I would see fights between men and women on the grass that went pass just simple wrestling and slap boxing. I would see actions that made me question my friends as I started to see being with the “cool” kids wasn’t worth losing my real friends from elementary times. I would think about my past as I walked through the grass outside and sat in a plastic chair. The calls would only come when entertainment was needed instead of genuine concern about how I was when it came to newer friends. I would remember the look my ex best friend gave me in the mall after I played him early at school to make him seem like he wasn’t cool enough. Walking back to the cool kids car, I would crumble up a soda can in anger before tossing it in the small patch of grass near the mall. This of course was not my fault. I was aloof to my own chaos as I shrugged it off and smoked more weed with my cousin as he cooked and grilled outside. I would now try and impress him as I stayed in his house for a little bit during the summer. I remember one night a local “liberated girl” would walk across the grass and ring his doorbell while he was away. I would walk downstairs and open it as I got offers he usually would get while his chick was away. I smiled as I grabbed 20 dollars from my pocket and gave it to her without getting my dick sucked. Her face was one of shocked before she shrugged and took the money walking away on the grass to her next buyer. The next day, she would act like I didn’t exist as she came by in the afternoon when she seen everybody chilling and hanging out watching the cops across the street harassing another black man. The grass was there through all this and plenty other funny moments. But like I said, the grass was also there through the bad moments as well. All the times I was having “fun”, others were working hard on the their future away from the grass and onto the pavement of life. 

While I looked on the laptop screen, I seen my friends and associates making money and moves through the grass. I seen a friend kneeling in the dirt proposing to his fiancee in the grass. I would see my friends chilling by their brand new car as their kids would be playing in the pool on top of the grass having fun. I would some people I used to talk to taking photos in the grass with their new boyfriend and girlfriend having fun that seemed to last forever. This would get me heated for some reason. I would watch this and shake my head as I felt like I was missing out on life. I would smoke my wine Black and Mild in the front lawn as I seen cars pass by blaring the latest rap music. The ashes would fall from the cigar and land in the nearby ant hill killing and burning alive incets. I would start to blame everyone but myself for this as I would cruse the sky yet laugh when family would come by so I can save face pretending I was playing being silly. I seen my cousins laughing and hanging out with their girlfriends as I stayed in house fuming with hate and envy. I wanted that. I wanted that yet I did nothing to change that. I thought this was suppose to happen. I thought there would be some magic that was suppose to be bless on me for being a good person all my life. I wished I would of seen how much bullshit that was earlier in my young life before a girl would walk in it and placed more weight on that magic rationalization. She would be the one to show me the breadcrumbs to the light as she would call me her “little bitch”  for doing everything she said. I stayed on her string at first until I had a moment of awaking. I would find a way to cut the string and move on from the puppet master towards a long and hard road of enlightenment. The jealousy I once had for friends in relationships now switched towards relief and almost a zen like peace.  Years later, I find myself no longer near the grass, and instead now just writing about it from a distance. I no longer see the grass as much as I used to. It is still there, yet not in the way it used to be. Looking back, I now see the grass for what it is. Something comfortable and safe before I finally have to make the hard steps to the rocks and pavement. The grass as I now look at it is just a tool to help make my transition to the long road of life that has no true successful ending. The only ending is the one in which I am buried as one with the dirt, maggots, wood, metal, and grass. So it seems, all my life the place I used to play on the most will also be the place I will rest in forever. The grass was never my friend. It was just there with no true purpose expect the one I, and the lawn mowers give it from people trying to impress others to show just how much more sophisticated they are from others. At the same time, if they leave it unintended it will grow and grow until it shows its true nature. Something that nobody wants to see. Fantasy wins again. 

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