I remember a couple days back the hot summer sun was blazing down the back of my neck, as me and another employee I work with were outside on the small concrete steps taking are own break away from work. It was near the end of his shift as I had to stay later and me and him were just talking about a few things that we normally do. Women, relationships, people, the game of life, etc. It was a cool typical conversation until it shifted back to work. He started to talk about work in great detail. Mostly about the people around us that don’t produce as well as we do, and also how our checks are being messed with every week. This is no new ground for us to speak on as we would sometimes have 2 hour conversations about how shitty the job was. But this time, something was different. Not so much on his end but more so on me. As I sat there listening to him speak about the job, I began to zone out and just stare off at the parking lot. My mind began to wonder as it went into great detail about sweeping, better organization for us, benefits, money owed, lazy people, crazy bosses, etc. I started to think about not just him, but me and everybody else as well that had this same mind state when it came to they’re job. Granted, nothing wrong with having passion for your job but, I feel like only certain jobs deserve that honor and dedication. I sat there and listened to him continued, I thought more about how people including myself had forgot the difference between job and life. He didn’t always talk about the job as I have said before we discussed many other things besides that, but in this case the way he spoke about the job was as if it was his life and the bosses were family. I never took it as serious as he and the other people I work with do. At least, not now. You see, not to tut my own horn but, I have helped the company in a big way. Nobody puts the effort I put in at that job and people around me seen it. I wasn’t given their respect I earned it. I used to be laughed and cast off as just another employee due to the bosses rewinding the camera and watching me eat almost full plates of food before the shift would start. They would tell the others that worked the day shift and it would get back to me. It was somewhat embarrassing yet I laughed it off due to saying “Fuck it. I have to eat”. But no matter how much they laughed at me away from work, during my shift they took me serious. I am the reason that job has not been in trouble due to late trucks and lazy people not putting it the hard work. I would do their job and mine with great speed and skill and manage to have everything work out smoothly. All of that lead to me gaining a higher position at the job. It felt great and it made me want to strive for more and do better. I felt like I was doing a good thing and a gaining more eyes from upper management as I continued to bust my ass. Sweat and even blood would drip from my finger tips due to the speed and energy I placed in the work. This I believe is where I started to gain my confidence back after losing it for a bit years prior. It felt great.
But now, things are not like that. Yes I still bust my ass and do a great job to the point it is now expected of me, I feel now that enough is enough. It used to a solid effort seen from the people I work with but, now they just stand back and wait for me to go into Superman mode and takeover. I remembered a couple weeks back I was fed up and decided to work at the same pace as they did after two trucks came very late. The result, disaster. We may of still been working had I not gave a sample of Superman mode and pushed through the last 30 minutes. But for majority of the time I was in auto-pilot and didn’t give two fucks. I have been at this company for too long and felt lost. I feel my efforts and youth were being drained from a company that could easily replace me. My great review I had received two months prior was one of the best they had ever seen yet, I could care less. Actually, I didn’t give a fuck to be even more honest. I felt like my time here was a waste and I needed a change. These type of thoughts were always there but, this year I feel it is taking full speed due to finally started to understand the blogs I have been reading for two years, and also finally placing attention back in this blog. As of today, I have more followers from well established blogs and a lot more views than I ever expected I would get. I feel a passion to write. I have ideas pouring out of my head left and right to the point I become distracted at work thinking of new ideas. Everything in life that used to distract me has taken a backseat as this blog has I believe given me a reason to wake up and feel great. No, I was not depressed but, more so just tired of dealing with a job and overall system of life. Reading other blogs and seeing you can make money from it has given me a extra spark to get off my ass and focus. No, I am not in this for the money but it would be really nice. I am in this to open my brain and try and pull out a couple of theories and personal stories to help people get through their day. Its all we really can do to be honest is help people. As much as I was aware of being a clown back in the day I still enjoyed making people laugh to the point they were red in the face. Helping people it seems brings me some pleasure and helps destroy my ego in a good way.
With that said I bring me and you as well back to the conversation with the employee I had on the steps. I now seen that job as something that was doing nothing but dimming the fire that was inside of me. Corny metaphors aside I really feel like I am becoming trapped within the job. I didn’t want to forget its just a job and start talking about it as if it was my life. I don’t want to get excited that I found some cheap yet great gloves to use just because they would make my work experience better. I didn’t want to hold off on drinking Gatorades because having it while I work would be a better option instead of drinking it for pleasure. Or being happy that I was able to squeeze in a extra hour of sleep due to having more strength and energy work. I want my focus to be on my blog and other avenues of life. I put myself here so there is no one to blame but myself, but also I blame myself for not finding a passion early in life. I was just gong with the flow and happy to have a job and enough money to pay some bills and eat. I didn’t realize there was a alternative. Finding a new way of looking at life would of never crossed my mind had I not been through failures and disappointments so, I can’t be too hard on myself. I am glad I went through the bs because now I can see there is some light not at the end of the tunnel, but a whole completely different tunnel to begin with. My “Truman show” boat has hit the painting to quote Kanye West from the Zane Lowe BBC interview. The question is tho, do I really want to leave as bad as I SAY I want to leave, or am I just aware of the game and just simply don’t care at this point what happens. At the end of the day I am just a representation of a idea no different than anyone else. Like a Quarter.
“ONE SIDE OF THE QUARTER”
The context in the above video is much different than the one I am trying to paint from one of my Top 5 movies / Critically acclaimed motion picture “The Shawshank Redemption”, but I felt like the content was similar to what I am trying to speak on in this post today. In the clip, Ellis Boyd “Red” Redding played actor Morgan Freeman was a man that was fed up with the system and didn’t give a damn what happened at this point in his life. He knew he had made a mistake and there was nothing he can do about it. He knew he had wasted so much potential by being in prison and understood what a grave mistake he made when he was young by not thinking for his own self and instead followed what was deemed cool by his peers back then. He was at a point in his life where he was so deep in the system of prison, that trying to escape it now would be pointless. Prior to this he had laid out a machine like script to the people across that table hoping they would believe he was sincere enough to be free. He said everything perfect. When I was watching it years ago for the first time with virgin eyes, I knew that his plan would work. He was hitting the right notes and there was no way they would deny him. But low and behold they did. He was disapproved and sent back to his cell. Fast forward towards the end of the movie and they asked him the same question of wanting to be free again, and this time he didn’t care. He flat out said what was really on his mind and didn’t care what the end result would be. He was trapped in that prison and had became adjusted to the fact that, that was his life now. Do as you please was his main point. I have nothing to gain now at this age. Saying no to me again would be as normal as being a grown man with a bedtime because of prison rules.
After his speech something weird happen. He had became approved and was sent free. Looking back at that now I see how it relates to the game of life. I feel like all of the successful people that you hear about had that same moment Ellis had, had and were tired of the game. They knew it was a game and decided to stop fighting it with everything they had and just decide to play by their own set of rules. Of course, Ellis was in prison so he couldn’t exactly do that. That is why I said the context is different than the one I am laying out there. The point his Ells and the successful people of life just reached a zen like place of thought were they weren’t going to let the system talk for them anymore. This is how I feel and if you don’t like it too bad. What more can you do to me? You have already won. I might as well go out by my own accord and let the chips fall where they may. He got approved and I feel like he had passed the test of life just like everybody else who are successful had done. Ells was freed and set out to meet his friend. I wont spoil the movie just in case you never seen but, it was simply a nice ending to a very great movie. But that brings me to my next point. Yes he had a nice ending but, not everybody can have a ending as great as he did for speaking his mind and going his own way. Not everybody is going to be rewarded for choosing their own path and seeking out interests that please them instead of the system. The game doesn’t mind SOME people having different views but all of them? No, not at all. It would be a collapse if the worker bees flew away and decided to just live life wherever their wings took them. o with that said I ask again do I really want to leave this game? Am I just psyching myself out, or is a true that there is a good chance I will just fail like many others before have done before me?
“THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUARTER”
Brooke, the man in the clip above had played out his life in prison and was finally free to do as he pleases. It should of been a great day for him, as he was able to leave the system and now do as he pleases without being treated as a child. No more of the same nasty meals, evil guards, bedtimes, planned activities, etc. He had his freedom and no longer was on a short leash. But as we see in the clip that couldn’t be further from the truth. The context again is different in this clip like the last video above but it relates to this post just as well. This is what I mean when I discussed freedom from the game. Brooke had went his own way and was now seeing the consqences of leaving the blue pill world that was laid out from him. Again, the context is different but it relates when you look deeper into it and see the connection. In Brooke’s case, he had the same awareness that Kurt Cobain had and decided to leave on his own terms. He had seen that there was no victories or pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The life he had before him was more comfortable and at least had some order and plan to live by. Worry about meals, clothes, place to go, bed, etc was never something he had to think about. But out there away from the prison he was on his own and had to make his own choices that was once laid out for him. That is the what I think about after reading a couple of my favorite blogs like this, this one, and of course this one. Talking about leaving my job was one thing, but actually doing it and risking losing some money until I found another source of income was another. Escaping and leaving our jobs is always fun to talk about. Always. We have every right to due to countless things that have happened to us that involves stolen money, dickhead bosses, working overtime without being compensated, etc. We had every right to just walk out and never look back at the soul sucking job. Yet, the next day we are there dealing the bullshit sandwich and adding ketchup to it. It shows that talking about something instead of taking action is a lot more fun. Its hard work and too much of risk in this economy. Leaving the game and going out in the chaotic path of the world could be a disaster as Brooke seen when he left. But this extends pass my job and more to a deeper level of life. The system has always been there to tell me what to wear, what was cool, how to think, how to act, what was right and wrong, etc. The game has always been there for me. Was I really ready to leave it and go on a path that has no ending to it? At least with the illusion it has a ending of happily ever after as long as you end up in a relationship. It was a lie but, at least it was something right? The red pill way of life has a much, much harder journey instead of the path that has been created for me. The alternative is still basically a revisit to a caveman era with a upgrade to it. This was the problem of both sides of the same coin. I can pick the side to leave or pick the side to stay and it wouldn’t matter. The function of the coin is still the same no matter what side it lands on in the end and that is one of advancing product. In this case its more on a border level of death. I can pick any side I want it really is pointless in the end. I think what I am searching for is a youthful ignorance without the help of drugs and alcohol. I love a moment of chaos but what was the opposite of that? If chaos is a break from the system, what is the break of awareness?
“A MOMENT OF PEACE”
5 football fields of shit? Whew. Anyway in the next clip above is I think what I am searching for that wont lead to death. The man in scene named Andy Dufresne played by actor Tim Robbins found out he was wrongfully accused and sent to prison by mistake. He could of had a chance to leave but, if the warden disclosed this information it could of lead up the ladder past his power and cause too much damage. Plus he didn’t trust Andy to not leak any info on what goes on in the prison that could cause the warden to lose his job. He dismissed Andy’s words and sent him to solitary for a month. Andy’s chances of leaving legally were over. He had no other choice but to leave on his own terms and break out of prison. Like I addressed in my last post “The Equivalent of Suicide” its not about the end result but more so the journey. I know how the game and the outside of the game ends. Nature will always be waiting at that last door in life and there is no way around it. I have somewhat come to that realization. I said “somewhat” because I truly don’t know what I will feel when that time comes. It might be a mix of things but one thing I can say for sure is that it will be a moment of peace. Once Andy made it pass all of that shit (Literally) and swam away from the prison to eventually raise his arms in the air and laugh, that is what I feel like I am really looking for. That small moment for a couple of seconds to make it seem like it was all worth it. All of the struggles, pains, torment, tears, blood, etc. All of that just so I can get to that moment of peace. I am not rushing to die yet, I still want to feel like becoming this aware of the game was worth it. I don’t want to end up like Cypher from “The Matrix” and try to plug myself back in. Because as you see in latest link, he had a chance to kill Neo but was stopped. I look at that as no matter how much you try to deny the truth it will always shine through sooner or later. I don’t want to live in the blue pill world of life just so I can avoid some realism that is too much to handle. So that moment of peace is what I feel like I am seeking. This Thomas Jefferson quote of the same title of the 2006 movie staring Will Smith displays what I am saying just as the clip above does. After Will Smith’s character based off the real life true story of Chris Gardner finishes going through hell trying to feed him and his son with no wife to help, he finally won the job he had worked so hard for, for months and months. He did better than everybody in that office despite the odds stacked against him. He left and ran down the steps outside from the building to stop in the middle of the sidewalk and clap his hands together. The context again is different but the content again relates as does the end result I am trying to seek. I know I am just a quarter and my function will not change no matter what. But until I take my last breathe a couple of smiles and laughing for no reason moments wouldn’t hurt on this path towards nowhere.