This is not really a post but more so a confession. After I did the ego driven thing and looked over my blog after registering it, I seen that I had made A LOT of mistakes. I mean, A LOT. I am hesitant to admit this but, I feel I should be as honest as I can without exposing too much. I mean, I already told you about how I pissed on my pants once already. That should be enough to hold over until I dig in the vault again. But anyway yes I have made a lot of mistakes with my posts and I know why. To be honest, it was simply out of fear. This is my first blog and I really want it to be perfect and, I know its not. It can never be the way I truly want it. Its why I sometimes don’t even look at my posts as soon as I finish them and just press publish. I don’t want to look back and see how it doesn’t stack up to the rest of my blogs. I even sometimes cringe because I feel its not up to par. Which is crazy because as of now I have 23 Followers. Not a lot but pretty good than I expected so far. Some are even already well established blogs. Even a female “friend” told me that the blog looks really great and seems professional. Yet, I still see or, better yet don’t want to see the failure I think it is sometimes. Back when I was younger I remember being afraid to go down to the kitchen to get something to eat because of a certain look my father would give me. It was a mix of disgust and shame. When I was young, I hated that look and wished I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t have to see him in one of his evil moods. Fast forward now tho and, SHIT. I was hungry and wanted to eat. Its not my fault you didn’t have a motherfucking job and your girl had to carry the load like a Pornstar before the scene faded to black. Evil son of a bitch. Fuck. But um, yeah. Apologies for that. I will save that type of uncensored expression for a new series I am working on for the blog entitled “#Nofilter”. Moving on.
But yes, moments like those are the reasons why my confidence at times isn’t always as it appears. It is a lot better than it was previous years due to being in my head a bit and really understanding myself and those around me. As well as reading blogs that have showed me the way of how to be comfortable with myself instead of living in fear of other people’s reaction so much. Other moments from high school, mother, ex girl friends, friends, family, etc have also played a major part into my fear and lack of confidence. There was also a time in my life I was going to be a rapper (Shocking for a black kid I know right?) I was in a group with a couple other people that were extremely good and seemed to be made for the art of rapping. I tho, was not. I remember the first verse I did and it was bad. I was off beat, forgetting words, yelling just to yell, copying Eminem, etc. It was a mess but my friends liked it for the sake of comedy purposes. It was not going to help me get a deal. The producer that had gave us free studio time had wanted to sign us to his upcoming label. But, I had to play hype man. They even wanted me to wear a Jason like mask to get the crowds into the show like a mascot. I was embarrassed then but, looking back at it I am glad it happened. It pushed me to want to get better and I did. I remember sitting on my cousins bed while she was away at collage and writing verses to a beats for hours and hours. I pushed myself to stay on beat and write with a decent flow. No matter how hard my inner white guy dance rhythm wanted to come out and go crazy.
Fast forward and next time I spit a decent verse that was on track and sounded coherent. Was it a good verse tho? No but, I had succeed in my eyes and that is what mattered. We never did become rap stars but, I did manage to record two more verses that sounded better than my first attempt. It was a small moment that now when I looked back showed me I had the work ethic , skill , and confidence to reach past my perceived limitations and fears. So, I am writing this quick “mini” post to assure everyone I will try harder and actually read my posts back. I am going to update them today and tomorrow so they sound sharp and focused. Now, they are not as bad as it seems. I am just my hardest critic. You can still read and enjoy them until I tweak them to perfect as best as I can. Getting over fear is a process and, I think I am getting there more and more each day. Not just with this but, in life and dealing with people. I couldn’t even imagine writing this out years ago and let alone have a idea on what to write about to begin with. Now, I have some theories and ideas about life that I wish to share and dissect with people before my time is up on this planet. Sacrifice for others chaos is all we ail ever be in the end. Before I check out, I might as well help and connect with a few people along the way. Thank you for your time, views, likes, and patience with me. More posts to come.