As children, there was a feeling we got when we did something wrong and not approved of from our older family members. It felt as if dragonflies were floating inside of us at a rapid pace pissing acid in our organs until we had no choice but to react. More than likely, the ones who let the dragonflies roam from they’re cages causing a flood to leak from our small eyes were from women. Dads, uncles, step-fathers, etc of course laid down the law but, it was more towards the back end of the disagreement. Picture it as a Alley-oop in basketball. Mother throws up the ball, and the father would come by and slam it home for the win with the assist being given to the mother, and the point to dad.
These punishments were given not really for the act itself depending on what it is but more so for us kids to show that we are considerate, and that we cared about what is right, and what is wrong. It is something that stays with us in adulthood so we show that we have the ability to think about others, other than ourselves. Stealing, fighting, cussing, being uncooperative, selfish, etc. These actions in our unfledged life were seen as unsatisfactory and immature in regards to how the world “supposedly” acted on a day to day basis. I, of course went along and followed the same rules us all kids did. I felt like when I did something wrong my world was shattered. Hell, even in my job I still feel bad if I make a mistake. Even if its small in scope, I still feel bad because I did something that didn’t follow the script of the actions that were suppose to be done. Yes, I basically felt like if I maintained the “right” path everything in life would go by smoothly……………………………………….. Then, I got older and woke the fuck up.
“FOLLOW THE BREADCRUMBS BACKWARDS”
My father is a hard working, cool, funny, and smart man. When I was younger, I seen him as Superman. Nothing can stop this man no matter what. I watched him take over a whole room with his Gemini wit, humor, storytelling, facial expressions, etc. It was like a family of moths trapped inside of a stadium during a concert with a million lights flashing. It was hard to turn away when he was on causing a riot. I thought he could do no wrong at times. Then, one day when I was with him in the store, I watched this dude do his best impression of a kangaroo and begin to stuff his pockets and hoodie with so many items, George Zimmerman would of never had to worry about wasting too many bullets due to seeing a perfect target to aim at. His skills for not getting caught with these items were the “Cell phone fake emergency I have to go” call and the “Buy something anyway to make it seem less obvious” move. I was shocked. All my life I was told not to steal. I was told it was wrong and it makes you seem like a bad person and yet, my own father was acting like he was a fan of the actress from”Heathers” and “Bettlejuice”. Reality bit my ass as I watched this continue on in life not only with him, but later on with my mother.
Not in the stealing aspect but, more so greedy and very selfish. One day she made me stand outside a package store in the middle of a plaza while she caught a hot streak with scratch ticket. No problem with that but, I had to use the motherfucking bathroom and needed to take a piss. There were no trees around and I was too young to go too far away from her. End result? I end up pissing on my damn self until my jeans smelled like golden shower porn scene. Smoke was coming from the inside of my jeans like Snoop Dogg’s children and Willie Nelson’s laundry basket while my white and batman covered underwear looked liked they took a Pineapple soda bath inside of R.Kelly’s house. A couple people passed me by but said nothing due to thinking I had “Special needs”. Not because I was acting in that sense but, because my facial expression was twisted and shivering in such embarrassment you would think I was a stereotypical mentally challenged kid that was banging his head against the wall in his non-official sports helmet. When she finally came out, you would think her response would be one of genuine concern and being upset at what she had done but no. The only thing she had to say was “Oh its okay. Lets just get hone”. Of course, that was after she had a laugh at my expense with her eyes staring at my pants as if a girlfriend just realized another boy was about to be friend zoned after seeing him naked down below.
Whether it was a hour, 30 minutes, or the cliche “sex theme” movie male bashing move of 2 minutes and a couple seconds, my father’s decision to hold off using a napkin, sock brought together in 9 months a kid with a head only a fisting fetish girl would love. So, naturally, my point of view of what is right and wrong would start with them. Seeing my conditioned perception of them going going through a “transformation” from the script after those two eye opening days I shook my sensibilities and of course, reality at the same time. How can they do something that was wrong and act like everything was okay yet get mad at me when I did something not even as equal?. It made no sense until I progressed in age and realized that Positively, no one gives a shit.
“MOMENTS AND PERSONAL ONLY ATTENTION”….
I said “positively” because, its not in the same sense as “I don’t care about anything at all”. People do care about things but only when it is more of “In the moment”, or personal. I feel as my parents became older and seen they’re dreams become cast to the side in order to raise a family that the values, lessons, ideas, beliefs, and blueprint they were feed still had some outline effect due to me being born and raised but, the meat and bones of the full plate of life had long been gone. It sounds a lot better to tell your kids “Don’t do drugs” then to say “Hey man, roll up this blunt for me while I go and get us some drinks” at age 15. Am I saying kids around that age should drink? No. That is not the point. The point being is that, the words they used to be raised on had weight to them but, as they got older and understood how the game of life is, the words in my opinion suddenly became just that. Words. Now only moments and half semi-personal beliefs reign supreme. Of course, they wouldn’t want me to end up in jail or dead so they weren’t just words when it came to me or my brother. Sure, my father could of brought those items if he saved up money or maybe he did have the cash too but, now in that moment, fuck it. It was right there and he found a alternative around it. Why not? And sure, my mother should of had more concern for me but she instilled enough smarts in me to know that I wouldn’t leave. Plus, fun and greed took over. It was wrong but felt right to keep scratching away on those tickets and getting more money off it. In that moment, personal happiness was all about the rush and pleasure. Its really what it boils down to as you progress in age and understand all we will ever be is sacrificial lambs for future chaos. Tell me, when was the last time you thought about Sandy Hook, Columbine, Virginia Tech, etc? If we are being honest, its probably been awhile. Awhile meaning, in that day or month that it happen. After that time was passed, it was right back to personal matters. Its not that was are heartless people who don’t care. Its just that, after giving it some moments and reflecting in life, we have no choice but to keep it moving. The parents and victims that went through those tragedies will never forget of course but, that is they’re personal matter to deal with. As I was saying, if its not about moments and personal problems for people, nobody is really thinking about it otherwise.
I feel like knowledge, wisdom, and lessons is simply another alternative of saying “Condition”. As you get older, you start to see some walls crumble of what is right, wrong, acceptable, trendy, cool, etc vanish. It starts to look like the world is just one big recycle bin. Once it was The Doors, now its One direction. Once it was Eminem and Jay Z, now its Drake and Lil Wayne. And so on, and so on in all forms. The best movie of this year will be seen as old in 20 years once the new crop pf kids come to the theater to have they’re moments to remember. I was born in this world, and I am going to die in my own. The lonely old man myth is not really what I am embracing or even suggesting in the grand scheme of of it all. More so, its in the reality of knowing and understanding that me, my father, mother, family, friends, etc have basically been on a long ride. A long ride like most rides ends where it begins. All the pain, sadness, happiness, hopes, dreams, etc all come circling right back around to it just simply being about you. You alone. It was one big long movie and it ends with one more post credit scene before you have to leave everything you paid for in the trash or on the floor. Someone then cleans up the mess to the point it looked like you were never there to begin with.
My cousin recently went through a dispute with a fellow employee at the same place we attend and work at. This person had owed him some money for some movies he had only paid half for. He ended up not paying my cousin because he “had his kids to take of” first. My cousin was of course upset and asked how can a “Man, a black man do to this to another fellow father?. What happen to the rules of men being men? Do I not have kids I have to take care of too?” Am I not struggling with money as well?” He was saying all of these things as if they still held weigh but, as I said before, words are just words for the most part. He was looking for a meaning or reason. Some sign of hope that the world still operated in a way that was fair, just, and honest when dealing on the same playing field as one another. He, was looking for some type of loyalty to a system he was raised on. I felt his pain I did but, I knew and, deep down he also knew what it was as well. I told him in as best of a politically correct way as I could:
“First comes him. Then his kids, wife, bills, any other friends or associates, then, comes you. You, are dead last on the list. It has nothing to do with you, right or wrong, fairness, justice, etc. Its just simply “is what it is” at a certain point in your life.”
You can add in the fact that he simply did not take my cousin serious due to him being a people person and always looking out for other people. Or, the fact that this guy felt he was allowed to do such things because he never dealt with consequences as a kid growing up. And maybe, because he was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t have the funds to pay for it at that time (Despite it being Friday. Aka, payday) but, the core of the issue at hand is simply he in that moment days prior got what he wanted and when that moment had passed, only personal matters became his main concern once again. In the video up above in the beginning, it ends with the character named Bodie stating “Hell yeah” after Mcnulty says “You’re a solider Bodie”. Prior to that, this man held true to his beliefs, morals, and ideas of what is right and wrong. Yet, he was still seen as small time and kicked around during the seasons by people in power that simply seen things in a pragmatic sense. He held true to his words until he ended up dead for in later in that Ep for being seen talking to the Police. As his body was scraped off the pavement along with the blood, the show kept going and moved on as if we was never there. No meaning or reason for it. It was just…….. is.